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Title: Is this a common theme? Post by: Hiscaru on June 29, 2019, 07:16:48 PM To summarize my situation, I was in a relationship with someone who showed numerous traits of BPD. We were together for a little over two years and I honestly thought we were perfect together. One thing lead to another and I found out she had cheated on me twice, and we broke up almost immediately after me finding out. Since our falling out I'll admit that I'm struggling to be single. I fear I may have developed some form of codependence and it doesn't help knowing that she is moving on abnormally fast and with the same person she cheated on me with.
It's been nearly four months since we broke up, and after being told that she doesn't want to remain on friendly terms, she constantly texts me every couple of days asking me for small favors. I don't know whether I should help her and do the favors or if she's simply using me. I don't know at this point whether I would want to get back with her or not, I've done a lot of thinking. Does anyone know if this is a common occurrence with people that have BPD, and does this normally mean they are feeling regret or are attempting to keep you in reach? Any suggestions or advice is super helpful and I greatly appreciate it. Title: Re: Is this a common theme? Post by: Turkish on June 30, 2019, 12:17:05 AM Yes, it's common. Have you seen the 10 Beliefs Article?
10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#10) She'll ask you to meet her needs with no reciprocation. You might think, "at least I got something out of it when we were together: sex, love, adoration..." You did. I did. But if you really process it, and it might be too soon out to reach a good perspective, it was as conditional then as it is now. In most cases with a pwBPD, it isn't conscious manipulation, it's survival. My ex still asks favors which are unreasonable given how things went. It's up to us to stand up for ourselves and say "no." She'll take whatever you give because it helps her. She may even still care about you in her way. What do you feel? Title: Re: Is this a common theme? Post by: Hiscaru on June 30, 2019, 01:26:52 AM It's hard to put into words how I feel. I guess if the opportunity arose I would love to talk out our differences and see what could have possibly caused her to do what she did. Trust me when I say, I am slowly beginning to feel normalcy being single again, but a part of me wishes that I was still with her, regardless of what she did to me. I still care about her and I still wish her the best, it's just hard seeing how someone who appeared so committed could in reality, not be committed at all and move on without a care in the world.
Title: Re: Is this a common theme? Post by: Turkish on June 30, 2019, 01:52:51 AM I went through this, and the mother of our kids lived a double life for four months until she could move out financially comfortable. She left her journal on the couch. I read it. She thanked God for both me and her beau. It seemed crazy to me. I realized that I needed to focus on myself, and at that time I still wanted us to work out.
Title: Re: Is this a common theme? Post by: Longterm on June 30, 2019, 04:23:13 AM She'll ask you to meet her needs with no reciprocation. You might think, "at least I got something out of it when we were together: sex, love, adoration..." You did. I did. But if you really process it, and it might be too soon out to reach a good perspective, it was as conditional then as it is now.
One of the best paragraphs I've read on this site. Very painful yet very true. Hiscaru, everything you wrote is very common unfortunately. Yearning for someone that has treated You so poorly is something we all share. It is very confusing and heart breaking. You will cycle through many emotions over and over again. She will use you for her own personal gain and will not think about the affect it has on you because she is unable to, this is why it's so important to think about yourself, to think about what you want moving forward. You will get angry at some point (took me 8-9mths) and it will make detachment a bit easier. These favours she asks can become damaging to you if you play the game because you will start to think and question things. Why did she ask that? Does this mean she regrets things? Why does she want to meet? Does this mean she misses me? I could go on but the reality is if she wanted to be with you she would be. I would say give yourself some space and time here to regroup. |