BPDFamily.com

one more to add to the list!

My gf broke up with me (sort of(that's a bpd joke) and then after pulling me back in for a few weeks found reasons to run away again and then magically I heard this on the radio:

Allan parsons project:  Don't Answer Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJMEaKHbnao

Lewis capaldi - hold me while you wait.

Capaldi said he wrote the song "about the uncertainty of being in a relationship when your partner isn't sure what they want", which he explained as "one of the most desperate places you can find yourself in" due to the "impending hopelessness" of the situation

I'm waitin' up, savin' all my precious time
Losin' light, I'm missin' my same old us
Before we learned our truth too late
Resigned to fate, fadin' away
So tell me, can you turn around?
I need someone to tear me down
Oh, tell me, can you turn around?
But either way

Hold me while you wait
I wish that I was good enough (hold me while you wait)
If only I could wake you up (hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while? (Hold me while you wait)

Tell me more, tell me something I don't know
Could we come close to havin' it all?
If you're gonna waste my time
Let's waste it right

And hold me while you wait
I wish that I was good enough (hold me while you wait)
If only I could wake you up (hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while? (Hold me while you wait)
I wish you'd cared a little more (hold me while you wait)
I wish you'd told me this before (hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while? (Hold me while you wait)

This is you, this is me, this is all we need
Is it true? My faith is shaken, but I still believe
This is you, this is me, this is all we need
So won't you stay a while?

And hold me while you wait
I wish that I was good enough (hold me while you wait)
If only I could wake you up (hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while? (Hold me while you wait)
I wish you'd cared a little more (hold me while you wait)
I wish you'd told me this before (hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while? (Hold me while you wait)

Stay a while (hold me while you wait)
(My faith is shaken, but I still believe) Stay a while
(Hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love (hold me while you wait)
Won't you stay a while?

Screaming Trees - Disappearing

Listen to the song and read the lyrics, should need no further explanation.

https://youtu.be/b6K1je7Q7ck

"Don't you try to find me anymore
I want to stay outside of your world this time
You've thrown it all away
That was one mistake
I never thought you'd make
Once you walk the path that has no end

Close the door and think awhile
When you are all alone
Staring into nothingness
Your eyes have turned to stone
Return to yesterday
There is no easy way
Once you walked away but now you stand

Faded out of memories
And moments that you took
Locked away inside a box
I never thought
You would follow it down and back
Disappearing in you own tracks
Don't you think you've had enough of that?"

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know:

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody (I used to know)
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody (I used to know)
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

Radical Face - Hard of Hearing.

Ironic, they released this song maybe a month after we broke up. And her favorite all time song was always Radical Face - Always Gold. Anyways, the lyrics speak for themself:

Another evening spent
In the corners of my brain
Where I wander off into the dark
And I close my eyes and hope
The wolves won't follow me
But hope's hard of hearing
So I'm waiting for the teeth

I had to learn that the helping hand
Can be the same that holds the knife
I know I'm not well but I'm alright
You gotta learn how to take your hits
When your hands are always tied
I know I'm not well but I'm alright

I memorize the ceiling
With a fire at my feet
While I give myself
Advice that I can't keep
I no longer ask myself
What any of this means
I just want my mind to quit
So I can finally fall asleep
Yeah I'm just waiting
For my mind to quit
So I can finally fall asleep

I kept falling for the broken wing
Because I couldn't pick the fight
But don't believe 'em when they
Tell ya that the bird won't bite
I can't tell you if it got this way
Or if it started as a lie
I know I'm not well but I'm alright

I kept falling for the broken wing
Because I couldn't pick the fight
But don't believe 'em when they
Tell ya that the bird won't bite

I had to learn that the helping hand
Can be the same that holds the knife
I know I'm not well but I'm alright

It is remarkable how the subjective meaning of art changes as we do. 

We had been listening to The Great Escape while we were together.  Once the wheels flew off I found the lyrics truly haunting.

Her Favorite was When byElysian Fields.  Also quite somber and in retrospect telling.

Along the same idea of life experience changing one's perspective on art...  I have to say Pretty Hate Machine by Nine Inch Nails makes a lot more sense to me than it had when I was younger...  Before I thought -Oh... He obviously had a bad break up and is having difficulty dealing with it...  If I only knew...



The Great Escape Mobi

I'll use a lock that has no key
Bind you with chains
That no one else can see
Let the water creep over your face
I'll send it in waves
Just to watch you perform the great escape
How long can you hold your breath?
While you hold mine, I'll come and wait
Just to watch you perform the great escape
I'll pull your arms tight behind your back
Use myself as weight
And wonder while you fade
How long can you hold your breath?
While you hold mine, I'll come and wait
Just to watch you perform the great escape

I guess I should consider myself kinda lucky in that I haven't been dumped in a relationship since college (over 20 years now), although I have been rejected after a date or two (which hurts, but is not the same).

Anyways, "I'm Free" by The Who has generally been my feeling after a breakup, and especially after my divorce from uBPDXW.

I'm free
I'm free
And freedom tastes of reality
I'm free
I'm free
An' I'm waiting for you to follow me
If I told you what it takes
To reach the highest high
You'd laugh and say 'nothing's that simple'
But you've been told many times before
Messiahs pointed to the door
And no one had the guts to leave the temple!
I'm free
I'm free
And freedom tastes of reality
I'm free
I'm free
An' I'm waiting for you to follow me


the part about freedom tasting of reality rings true here; no more living through the dysregulation, constant lies, and deception...

Been listening these two songs now on repeat for couple of days, for me it's about letting go of the fantasy:

Anathema: Untouchable Part 1 & Part 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDsMpOM4uAU

And I feel like I knew you before
and I guess that you can hear me through this song

and my love will never die
and my feelings will always shine
and my love will never die
and my feelings will always shine

and I know that you just wanted me to belong, to someone
and I guess that now I`ll just be moving on, to someone

and my love will never die
and my feelings will always shine
and my love will never die
and my feelings will always shine

I`ve never betrayed your trust
I`ve never betrayed your faith
I`ll never forsake your heart
I`ll never forget your face

there`s a feeling that I can`t describe
there`s a reason that I cannot hide
`cause I`ve never seen a light that`s so bright
the light that shines behind your eyes

I`ve never betrayed your trust
I`ve never betrayed your faith
I`ll never forsake your heart
I`ll never forget your face

There`s feeling that I can`t describe
a reason that I cannot hide
I`ve never seen a light that`s so bright
the light that shines behind your eyes

I can`t see this life what you mean to me
when I dream, I dreamed of you
when I'll wake, tell me what I do

I had to let you go
to the setting sun
I had to let you go
to find your way back home
I had to let you go
to the setting sun
I had to let you go
to find your way back home

Why I should feel this way - Why I should feel this way
Why I should feel the same

Something I cannot say - Something I cannot say
Something I can't explain

I feel you outside
At the edge of my life

I see you walk by
At the edge of my sight

Why I should follow my heart - Why I should follow my heart
Why I should fall apart

Why I should follow my dreams - Why I should follow my dreams
Why I should be at peace

I feel you outside
At the edge of my life

I see you.. walk by
At the edge of my sight

I had to let you go
To the setting sun

I had to let you go
And find a way back home

I had to let you go
To the setting sun

I had to let you go
And find a way back home

(When I dream, I see you) - (When I dream, I see you)

I've never seen a light that's so bright - I've never seen a light that's so bright - I've never seen a light that's so bright

Blinded by the light that's inside - Blinded by the light that's inside
Blinded by the light that's inside you

I had to let you go
To the setting sun

I had to let you go
And find a way back home

Let Me Go by NF
 Just listen to it. If youve been through what Ive been through, it will hit you.

Lauren Hill: Ex-factor!

After I sent her a lengthy, full blast, I’m done text yesterday I sent REO Speedwagon’s Time for Me to Fly right after.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TGwCP2hX2FM

Ive been around for you, been up and down for you
But I just cant get any relief
I’ve swallowed my pride for you, Ive lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief

You got me stealing your love away, cause you never give it
Peeling the years away and we can’t relive it
Oh, I make your laugh and you make me cry
I believe its time for me to fly

Why I Bother (Tupelo Honey EP)

My opinion only matters
When it suits you best
This advice to you is
Pointless just like all the rest
Why I even bother
I guess that I'll never know
You blame me every time
Like somehow I should know

She Ain't Pretty (The Northern Pikes)

I fell in love with a model from hell
It took some time for my hormones to tell
That chasing her has been a grave mistake
She ain't pretty she just looks that way
Her ego wrote cheques incredibly fast
But her personality didn't have the cash

Hard To Laugh (The Pursuit Of Happiness)

Everyone who sees you thinks you should be smiling
That girl she's so pretty, that girl she's so beguiling
Everyone who sees you thinks you should be happy
Thinks you should coo-coo her and start acting all sappy
But it's
Hard to laugh when you know that she's been cheating
Had her
Hands around him and she's been giving it a beating
We'll it's
Hard to laugh when you know that she's been lying
But you
Got to laugh to prevent yourself from crying

One Good Piece of Me (Big Wreck)

Love, the final straw
Keep me sifting through my words to find my thoughts
You were more than my whole world, its all too real
As I'm falling through the halls inside your heart
That I could no longer fill
Every little piece you take from me I can always regrow
The blood I gave, the love we made, was only there for show
If there's one good piece of me left, I swear, itt's mine and mine alone
I suppose everybody goes through this alone


She's a Witch (Monster Truck)
 
Time and time again, I was told
Stay away from her, she's a witch
But I got hooked on her siren song
And she cured my every itch.
What I got lately, she got crazy
And a fire lit up in her eye.
Born unto the seven gates of hell
It's how she planned out my demise.
What you said my friend,
"That woman will be your end."
That girl got a demon in her soul.
That girl got a demon in her soul, yeah!

I’m not “broken” up but in a 25 year marriage where the last few years have been near constant dysregulation and H leaving for days.  Early during this time I heard Sam Smith’s Too Good at Goodbyes and it spoke to me...and made me wonder if he had had some experience with a pwBPD.

Sam Smith’s Too Good at Goodbyes

You must think that I'm stupid
You must think that I'm a fool
You must think that I'm new to this
But I have seen this all before

I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me
'Cause every time I open up, it hurts
So I'm never gonna get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you
In case you go and leave me in the dirt

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry
And every time you walk out, the less I love you
Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true

I'm way too good at goodbyes
(I'm way too good at goodbyes)
I'm way too good at goodbyes
(I'm way too good at goodbyes)

It goes on with another verse, but the refrain gets me...

Was just hopping over from the Conflicted board when I saw this.

Much peace to you all!

Hatebreed - Idolized and vilified

https://youtu.be/tuvwD3Y9xto (https://youtu.be/tuvwD3Y9xto)

I'll take your dream
I'll take your dream
I'll take your dream and crush it
Does the truth ever rain
From the manic clouded mind
High on their thrones
Incapable, unkind
Ignoring the hourglass
Fearful of life
When does nothing stand in the way
Of their demise
A master of a worthless kind
Controls your body, soul and mind
All or nothing
Binge and purge
Idolized and vilified
I'll take your dream and crush it
The bottom rushes up quick
So fast they never see
From the mountain of addiction
Looking down at enemies
A master of a worthless kind
Controls your body, soul and mind
All or nothing
Binge and purge
Idolized and vilified
I'll take your dream and crush it
Nailed down
Fate sealed
Worn thin
It always turns to hurt
I'll take your dream and crush it
I'm done, PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) it
I'm PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing done
PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) it

I am just now reading this post.  As a musician, middle school Band/Choir teacher, songwriter, and such I find this so interesting.  Lauren Hill - The Ex Factor: YES! 
What I 'm going to share with you gives me hope in our power to heal ourselves even when we don't know we're doing anything!  In 2008 my BPD and I divorced, got together for 9 months in 2018, and I haven't seen her since I put an end to our mutually assured destruction! 

In 2005 I wrote a song entitled Walking On Eggshells.  I still perform it.  I had never heard of BPD until February 2019!  It was a term she and I used to describe being around her mother.  I thought it sounded cool and never gave it another thought.  I often wondered why I never wrote songs about her or our time together but it turns out I did.  In 2018, 13 years later, I started working on my self, deeply, and I learned how blocked and compartmentalized my mind was.  There's more. 

In 2009 I caught a song called Torture.  I say "caught" because it's one of those tunes that just appears in finished form.  It's a somewhat rare occurrence that comes out of nowhere, it comes fast, and the best thing to do is to stay out of the way and capture it!  Think about it later.  Torture came about one morning after a gig.   As I got out of bed I was thinking about a young lady I was interested in while simultaneously thinking of some Latin jazz type music.  I started humming, I jumped in the shower, and when I got out the song was finished.  To me the song was about a lady that I had become friends with and there was no chance of romance, i.e. Torture. 

When I got back with my exBPD, after 10 years apart, she said she was familiar with two of my songs: Torture and Dis.  She was not smiling in the least and it hit me immediately that those songs were subconsciously written about my former life with her. 

Dis, written in 2015, is short for Disillusionment. We all have gone through the gut-wrenching period of disillusionment following the love-bombing stage.  Here is the definition: Disillusionment - a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.  (Lump in throat as I type). I sometimes joke that in another couple of albums I will have subconsciously written my very own psychology manual!  In all seriousness, I feel like my story illustrates how some of our minds deal with trauma by blocking and compartmentalizing.  I think it shows how we work to heal without knowing it sometimes.  Most of all, that healing aspect is why I wanted to share with you folks.  My intent is that someone will find hope, a way to heal, some peace, something good they can use here. 

Music is my religion.  Lyrics are the scripture so I have to be very careful what I listen to.  I always seek music that points the way forward, upward, and out of the thick darkness from which we are all trying to escape.  I can add my lyrics if anyone is interested.  I didn't want to be pushy or presume but I certainly don't mind sharing. 

 "Not Meant To Be" by Theory of a Deadman hits pretty close to home for me. Shortly after my ex-g/f and I started dating, she sent me a link to the Lifehouse song "Broken", which she said described her as a person and her connection with me. I should have read the writing on the wall at that time, but I always thought I could save her.

Not Meant To Be by Theory of a Deadman:

It's never enough to say I'm sorry
It's never enough to say I care
But I'm caught between what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's never enough to say I love you
No, it's never enough to say I try
It's hard to believe
That there's no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives
Nobody wins when everyone's losing
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
There's still time to turn this around
You could build this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, I can't change your mind
I know it's like trying to turn around on a one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I, baby I'm sorry to see
Maybe we're not meant to be

Don't Answer Me is one of my all-time fave songs by a group that is within my top 5 fave groups.  I'm a music teacher and a touring performer, producer, conductor, etc.  It blew my mind that I'd never thought of this song, so thank you so much!