BPDFamily.com

How do you detach with love?

Hi Faith,

I did a search and came up with this thread on Detaching with Love:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318951.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318951.0)

Perhaps it would help you to read some of the responses. I read through it and there seemed to be some really good stuff in there. And perhaps some others can give you some feedback here. I don't really know how to do this myself, so we can learn together.

Redeemed

That is a great thread to read through IAR.  Detaching with love is so hard to define too and I think the threads helps with that.

Thanks
 That was a good thread. I am thinking detachment needs to be a spiritual discipline for me.

Hi Faith

It can come naturally Faith as we can no longer take the emotional pain. We can see no way out. We hit a wall and, for me, I chose to release myself from my own suffering and accept I could not change my son’s behaviour. Some choose to attempt both physical and emotional detachment through no contact. No contact can be temporary and goodness knows a period of peace is beneficial  to restore ourselves to some kind of balance.

I found my periods of no contact in my darkest days were both a blessing and a curse. I just needed to know how he was for my own well being. So that’s what I decided to do - stay in touch and work on changing my own behaviours.

As an addict my son was full of shame and guilt. He found it difficult to be around me as he could feel my judgment and he needed me to be different.

I feel “detach” could be “release” - release with love to allow him the dignity to learn and grow by his experiences. For us, our son’s experiences were mostly mistakes or failures. We always looked on them negatively, when in fact they are all part of a larger picture of life lived. We all learn by mistakes.

It’s the walking by their side, providing emotional support as they live their lives making mistakes that is so very hard. It is understanding that he is responsible for his life. I am responsible for mine.

Releasing in thought is a good place to start. It will help you learn how to do this with words too.

You’re in my thoughts Faith. It’s a tough road we’re on together. My son is an addict, now functioning and for that I’m grateful. Tomorrow things can change for the worse or for the better, it is not known. The past is gone, do not dwell. We have today.

I know you’re a Christian woman Faith. If there is a god, he’s in his hands now. You are free to seek your own happiness so you can show your son how to live a good life.

Hugs

LP

Those are wise words LP particularly the part about releasing.

Lollipop, I find that what you say is echoing the journey I am on with my daughter.

Not accepting responsibility for her choices, not hanging onto guilt and shame, betrayal and anger...

Releasing those emotions was the first thing...now I am learning to not get caught up in her drama and reply to her long drama filled voices notes with emojis to fit the rant and then just let it go.

Doing this also meant that I needed to face the logical (and painful) outcome that if I didn't keep on picking up her pieces and rescuing her, she could end up back on drugs, with multiple sexual partners, loosing her job etc...this is where I am now...facing these things...

In this time I am learning to pray more, spend more time finding validation with God and in scripture than I am in motherhood...very very hard.

Thinking of and praying for you Faith.

Thanks Momsa. I do need to release my son to God. I can't save him.

Faith
 I, too, am in the throes of this as well. Know you are not alone. 

I am at this point too so find comfort in being here and sharing with others who know how it feels. I will read through the detaching with love as I think that is really relevant to what I need to do at this point with my son as well.

So glad I joined today to seek support for myself as I know change is necessary so I don't fall apart.