BPDFamily.com

Hi All,
 I dropped off the radar here for a few days.  I am recovering from having found drug paraphernalia in son's room.  As you all know I am cleaning up , getting stuff repaired from his destructive episode back in March.  Cleaning out his room has been slow going because it is painful.  I knew he was doing pot and alcohol, but I found a whole lot of stuff that at first didn't make sense ( aluminum foil crumpled up everywhere, shoe laces, blood drops, smudge/ soot marks.. loose pens, Q tips, etc). This was buried under layers of stuff, in far corners of closet, etc.  I put them all in google and well.. it turns out he is into the hardcore stuff.  So I am reeling.  Again. Self recriminations anew.  He always isolated and kept his door locked.  If I had known sooner would I , could I, should I have..?...etc.
-Well, it looks like I will be adding Nar-anon as another 12 step meeting to attend.  
I truly am just lost right now.  I feel like i am in a free fall and can't grab onto anything.  I will be going to therapy this week.

 I have also been having a time extricating my bank account from his car insurance, believe it or not.  Car insurance states they need him to approve (?) before they can stop automatic withdrawal from my checking account . His car insurance is a separate policy from mine.  So i am in process of getting hard core , putting stop payments, contacting my bank, etc..  I will fight this of course.  Actually , the financial stuff is a distraction.  It is something concrete I can focus on.  It's the worrying , and not being able to "fix" my son that is the larger problem.  

Hi swimmy

I’m so very sorry to read this latest news and I’m so glad you posted. We never truly know what goes on in their lives, scratch the surface and those floodgates open. You’ve worked so hard and you’ve come such a long way in getting control back. We can’t reason with an addict and it may explain so much of what has gone on before.


Yes, one day and one step at a time. I hope you get to the point where you feel you’ve got your home back, a safe, secure and happier place.

Hugs

LP

Thank you Lollypop

I feel for you. My son is on the hard stuff too. It sucks. But this is their choice and only they can change it.
hugs
Faith

Thank you Faith.

It just hurts to breathe right now because of the mental anguish. Thank you all in this group for being here.

Swimmy,
My heart sank as I read your post and I actually feel sick to my stomach for you. Your situation could be just around the next bend for me, too. The heavy stuff is just so much more terrifying and hard to wrap our brains around.

Nar Anon will be the face to face support you need for this latest shock. Cleaning out their rooms can be a minefield and I literally lift up mattress corners like I’m disassembling a bomb.

Will you question DS about your findings? Or possibly let him know you are aware and offer drug rehab or attending an N.A. open meeting with him? So much shame is involved in hardcore drug use.. It might explain some of the anger and aggression that you’ve seen.

Hugs to you today,
Peacemom

Excuse my emoji-that was an accident

Thank you so much Peacemom.  I currently have a restraining order against him  because of his violence /my terror of him.   I could  let his Dad know, as he still texts DS, I think.
I truly hope this will not be your situation, Peacemom. 

For right now the only words of wisdom I am clinging on to is "Inhale/exhale" over and over and concentrating on my breath. 

Oh Swimmy,
Yes I’m sorry I forgot your backstory. So thankful he’s not in your home. Safety is imperative. I wish you had a wonderful loving nonjudgmental friend helping you sort thru his room.
The shock of what you found will lessen, but you must be very kind to yourself. Anyone would be in shock and upset in your situation. The second-hand PTSD we all have from this life we live is simply paralyzing at times.

Can you do something away from the house that you consider a treat to get a break and ground yourself?

Thank you Peacemom. 

Sending you a hug...