BPDFamily.com

Has anyone else had a partner who had incest/sexual trauma in childhood? My partner started doing trauma work in therapy and has all this new information about his childhood that I did not know before. He never told anyone. I have asked that he not tell me all the specific details, as I don't know if I could handle that information. Curious to hear from anyone else who has dealt with something similar.

It is very common, it is also very difficult to get at the real facts, hence the details are not necessarily that important but rather the emotional impact is the main issue

So would you recommend I just focus on talking about the emotional impact with him? He had been ready to discuss the details in therapy and then was upset when I did not want to hear the specifics.

Sometimes you just want a friend in the trenches of pain.

For the person who was sexually abused, after a long silence of keeping it in, there can be a need to tell others and share their pain.  

How did he respond when you asked him not to tell you?

I’m new to this site, but I have many years experience with a spouse with incest/sexual trauma. When my H first told me about it I suggested therapy, much like you he wanted to tell me the details, I told him I didn’t need to know but I could still there for him without knowing. He was upset at first but he came to realize that I didn’t need to know and I can still be there for him. Just knowing it happened and believing it happened can be enough. In my experience that was all he really wanted was to know I believed what he said.

We had talked around it on our own a fair a bit before therapy. Ages when it happened, general number of times, surrounding events. In therapy when I explained that I did not want the details, he got quiet, said he had to pee, and left for a few minutes. My therapist told me he looked devastated. We haven't talked much about it since.

I worry that the details will mirror things in our initmate life. Like I know back runs were a piece of it, and he used to give me back rubs all the time.   I have asked for them a few times since finding out (it's one aspect of physical closeness I feel I can accept right now). I always check that it is ok with him and ask how he's feeling, but then I feel guilty.

Thank you for sharing. How did this affect the intimacy between you?

Physical intimacy has never been an issue, emotional intimacy is where most of our problems are.
Does your therapist think you should hear the details? Once my H started healing from his trauma he agreed that I didn’t need those images in my head as well. We both agree the details are what therapy is for.