BPDFamily.com

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We can choose to be the best people we can be, no matter how badly our family members behave and realize not everybody is going to like us, particularly those people that join in disliking another based on the negative things they have heard.
My biggest challenge is to not behave like my family members who were bad role models. I still have some dysfunctional behaviors to work on, which is a life time challenge. I am glad that I am willing to grow and change, unlike some of my family members who never changed. I truly feel sad for my family members with BPD and/or NPD which includes a long list of immediate and extended family members. It breaks my heart to know my mother could not get the love she wanted from me because she treated her children so badly, while at the same time making many sacrifices for her children. My sister once said she did not want to think about how my mother killed my youngest brother. I do believe he would be alive today if mom had not interfered so much in his life. I know that there is more family tragedy ahead. My surviving brother is going to have to find a new purpose in life after dedicating 18 years to taking care of mom, the mother he refused to have much to do with for most of his life. My sister who is a lot like mom in many ways, though not as impaired, has some challenges ahead. I think I am emotionally stable enough to weather the storms ahead. I am still feeling upbeat with some sadness, though I know being around certain family members is going to be challenging and heartbreaking at times.

Same here.  My mom did some really great things for us that truly were 'good parent' types of things.  She was also a generous and loving person at times.  And then there were the times she was neither of those things instead, abusive, sick, cruel and demeaning.  It has been a huge lesson in seeing all parts of a person. 

I still struggle with this on some things.  My tendency is to immediately think in terms of black or white, right or wrong.  I have noticed though that with a lot of work, I then go into a "let's take a closer look here before I jump to any conclusions" without too much effort and before reacting... mostly 

You have clearly done a lot of work over the years on healing and it shows Zachira. 

It hurts every time I read about your brother and how he died.  I am so sorry that happened... and I am aware of how inadequate and trite those words are.   

Do you have some compassion/understanding here for him and the struggles and sense of being lost he may feel with your mom's death?  I don't mean you have to or even should act on any compassion you may feel though.  I am just curious.  I don't envy him in this though I realize I may be making things up here and projecting my own assumptions on him.   heh, everyone projects sometimes. 

I believe you will get through this as well.  It won't be easy as you know but it won't be or does not need to be destroying either.

We've got you.   

Thank you Harri for all your support. You do understand the mixed feelings when you have a mother and two siblings with BPD, and the switching between really nice behaviors to cruel, abusive ones.
Hard to know how I will feel about my siblings. I will see them next month and no way to predict how they will treat me. I just know they can't be trusted as they can be extremely generous or mean depending on their moods of the moment.

I wrote some of my story on Quora, a condensed version of things I've written here,  and a few people commented that my mom was a monster.  It shocked me.  I still don't think that though I can acknowledge how hurtful she was at times over the years. I don't think it's about having a "balanced" view, which seems forced and artificial.  It's about validating and being confortable with your own feelings. 

So sorry for your loss Zachira   I know how hard it is.

the switching between really nice behaviors to cruel, abusive ones.

I think that this is a healthy realization. I fail to see things from this POV most times, so it’s nice to see it discussed. Like the experiences described here, my mom did many wonderful things, unfortunately she did many bad things as well and those bad things take precedence. I can appreciate how Harri talks about seeing the whole person. I think that’s important as long as we do that from a safe and realistic angle.

though I know being around certain family members is going to be challenging and heartbreaking at times.

I imagine that this is causing you some anxiety on top of the stress and pain over the loss of your mother. How long has it been since you’ve seen some of them? What tools are in your toolbox now that weren’t before when you had to be around them?

The latest is my sister keeps consulting me about the funeral plans for mom, her husband always on the phone with her. My sister has BPD. I believe she feels unable to maintain her stability dealing with me alone, so she has to have her husband by her side. I am fine with that as long as she is treating me with respect.

Your sister is being respectful thus far? That’s a good thing. Are you worried that she will eventually dysregulate? What does your intuition tell you? Maybe her husband has stepped it up and is being supportive and helping her to stay grounded for now.

You’re very in tune with how things are unfolding. I wish that you could simply focus on you and the grief that you need to work through, but I understand having to be on lookout at the same time. You’ll get through this and you will find the time that you need for yourself. We’re here for you.

JNChell,
My sister and brother will both dysregulate again, as they have BPD, and have always had melt downs over what mainly looks like nothing to be upset about. There seems to be no memory of the melt downs and never an apology.
I am not really grieving much over mom's death. I spent years crying in therapy about not having a mother, so I have pretty much worked through the loss. I am mainly feeling relieved, excited about life, and getting things done instead of feeling helpless and inept like I did before mom died.

I'm happy for you that you feel this sense of freedom.

I just spent some frustrating time with BPDmom. Frustrating because instead of just being able to enjoy that the kids and I were visiting, she spent the time attempting to manipulate us. Instead of just having a conversation, she pushed the kids for TMI, tried to enlist them into being her obedient helpers. She can't just let it be- we are here to visit her, have a nice time. Sure, she wasn't screaming or raging at us, but she couldn't resist trying to manipulate.

Someone asked me if it was possible to reconcile with her. I assumed this person meant warm and caring like the relationships they have. Reconcile what? I've visited her, called her, tried to keep in contact with her but the entirety of our relationship is how to manipulate me into doing things for her, even things I would voluntarily do but she has to control it. And this is how she sees my kids as well. What kind of relationship is this?

I replied- I am not angry at her, I don't resent her, I don't wish any harm or anything bad for her. But, no.

She's still alive, and I wish her all the best,  but I've also grieved. Grieved for her that she can't really be a loving mother. Grieved that her perception of her own family is so distorted due to her mental illness.

You've done enough grieving, Zachira. Now,  be happy!

Notwendy,
Thank you for understanding.
I know how frustrating it is to be in the presence of a mother with BPD who has no capacity to change her behaviors, especially seeing her mistreat your children.

Going after my kids trying to enlist them as "servants" and emotional caretakers was a turning point for me.

BPD mom did this to me too. However, she convinced me at that age that I was to blame for the issues between us and her issues with my father. That some how, I was the reason for their problems.  I truly believed that when I left for college, my parents would be happy.

But seeing her do this to my kids helped to change all that. They haven't ever done a thing to her that could be hurtful and they are kind kids. And she sees them as something to use. I know now that at their age, I was a lot like them, innocent, kind, and did not deserve how she treated me.

She sees vulnerability as an opportunity and what is more vulnerable than a sweet innocent kid? And there is no way I am letting her do this to them.

Zachira, I have tried to treat this woman with compassion, but she has none for me or my kids. It's a horrible thing to see. I can appreciate your attempts to make the best of your situation with your mother. You don't need to do them now. She's in God's hands now, and God sees the truth, as well as the suffering she must have endured in her BPD earthly incarnation. You can move forward.

Hi again, z. I’m also glad to know that you’re doing ok with current events. It also sounds like you’re prepared as best as you can be for the inevitable BPD meltdowns. I know what you mean when you describe how the dysregulations are over trivial things. That makes it really hard to anticipate. From what we know about BPD, a simple and very brief look on our face or meaningless gesture can set them off. What an odd thing to live with. I’m talking about all of us. I guess to really understand it, we need to let go of trying to figure it out. At least that’s what I’m currently subscribed to.

Notwendy, I would be  :cursing: off too! Once the kids are targeted, that’s it. Time to draw new lines and assess the boundaries. Sounds like your mom is only doing what comes natural to her. I’m in no way defending her, she was 100% out of line and harmful. These folks can’t stop with the toxic behaviors. It’s baffling. I can imagine the upset that you felt when you saw your mom trying to manipulate your children the same way she did to you. You handled things better than I would have. As luck would have it, my Son never had to meet his grandparents. Be patient, friend. The dysfunction ends with you. Be proud of yourself for that.

Zachira,

My condolences for your loss. I hope your mother can find peace now, and I wish the same for you.

I understand the grieving you have already been through while your mother was still alive. I am still in that process.
It is good that you feel a weight has lifted and that you feel freeer.
I am very sorry that you will still have to manage your interactions with your siblings. Are you planning on staying in touch with them afterwards?

I have been catching up on your threads. Much of what is described by you and NotWendy is very recognisable. It is sad, but it also helps me accept the reality of my FOO.

Thank you for sharing your journey.
Enjoy your freedom! 

 

Libra.

Sounds like your mom is only doing what comes natural to her.

Yes, she is. She's in no danger, but every day is a survival battle for her fragile sense of self. She seems to need a steady supply of servitude ( which must validate her ) and seeks it where she can. It feels like survival to her and she's doing what is instinctual to her. It's actually sad that this keeps her from the kind of relationships that could be truly gratifying.

Libra,
Yes, I do plan to be in contact with my siblings for now, as there are a lot of lose ends to tie up regarding mom's death and we still have the memorial service ahead. I will be in contact in some form or another with my siblings because cutting them out of my life would mean ending my relationships with all my relatives and the family friends. My mom and two siblings with BPD was/are high enough functioning that very few people even have a clue of how badly they could/can treat me. I am now wise enough, from what I have learned through experience and getting educated about BPD, that I know better than to try to change them. My challenge is to go with the flow most of the time, yet there are times when I do have to challenge my siblings' behaviors because of  how badly they are violating my boundaries.
I am glad that reading my story is helping you. I certainly have learned a lot from other members.

Thank you to everyone who is reaching out during this challenging yet mostly rewarding time. It feels like all my hard work and infinite patience is finally paying off.

The latest: One of my freeloading cousins wants to stay at our cottage the weekend of mom's Memorial Service, which I think is just plain rude and thoughtless considering the circumstances. The last time he came, I had to clean up after him and his family after he left, and he only thanked my sister for letting his family stay for a week for free at our cottage. As usual on his last visit, he became more demanding with time.  First he wanted to bring an extra person, and I said no; he insisted so my sister and I relented which made the place way too crowded. Then he wanted to stay an extra night when we weren't there, and my sister consulted me and we said no. This cousin is the golden child in his family.
Last month, another relative wanted to stay at our cottage with friends for two weekends when we would not be there. My sister consulted me and I said no.
I have insisted over the last few years, that we no longer allow family to stay at our cottage when we are not there. A certain family used my mom for something like 40 years, frequently staying at our cottage for a week at a time, and upsetting mom one time because they did not even make any effort to see her at her home an hour away. I have been on to the family dynamic of relatives wanting to stay at our cottage and making it obvious when we were there that they wish we the owners weren't there that they would like to have the place to themselves.
My sister and I have seem to have now worked out a policy that relatives are not welcome to use our cottage when we are not there, and we will choose who we want to stay there. The relatives are always testing my sister to see if they can stay there, as they seem to view her as the owner and I don't matter. I am glad she and I were able to stick together and not allow either family member to stay at our cottage when we were not there or come the weekend of the Memorial Service for mom.
I had some cousins that I wanted to invite to stay with us the weekend of the Memorial Service. My sister likes all of these cousins. They are wonderful house guests and my sister and I enjoy having them around. My sister says she is glad that come of the cousins we have invited to stay with us have accepted while sad some of the others we have invited to stay with us will not be coming to the Memorial Service.  My sister and I are no longer acting like mom, being a doormat and used by the family.  It feels so good to choose to surround myself with the right kind of people and to distance myself from the wrong kind of people. I think that insisting on a healthier policy for guests also helps my relationship with my sister because she really doesn't like having the cottage jam packed with free loading relatives.

I think it's great that you don't allow free loading relatives!

Just had a long conversation with my brother with BPD. He is the one that for no reason forbid me to come for Christmas, and then did not want me to visit mom. In his recent conversation, he has made it clear to me that he only wants me to come to mom's house with my sister and only one time. In the past, I would have been so hurt. I recognize that his need for absolute control and perfect mirroring are all a part of his BPD and narcissistic traits. Mom who had BPD and my sister who has BPD are just like him. They can only be around people for very limited periods of time while putting on their performance of being nice people. Intimacy means showing their true selves and is way too scary.
I am glad to have done the work I have in therapy that now allows me to have friendships with people that give and take. My friends and I are comfortable around each other, while sometimes respecfully disagreeing.
I am also glad to not have run away from my family. I now accept them for how they are. Acceptance feels so empowering and comforting.

Hi zachira.     I've been thinking of you.  It sounds like things have not changed at your siblings end of stuff but they sure have at yours given all your hard work.



   Making conscious and informed choices that protect us is empowering.  I used to think acceptance meant backing down and it was a point of weakness, but it's not.  Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

I'm so glad you have come to this understanding. In a similar way- BPD mom controlled any access I had to my father's belongings after his death. I was very hurt by her decision.

I can see it now as her need to control.

It is easier when we don't take these behaviors as personally.

Harri and Notwendy:
Thank you for your support and replies. My brother has to be in control, and my sister as well. If they couldn't be in control, my siblings would have to face their vulnerabilities which they will never be able to do. I am glad that I see myself as a worthy yet imperfect person that needs reciprocal caring relationships to be the happiest and best person I can be.
It is the wee hours of the morning and I have woken up crying realizing what lies ahead. Mostly I am going to have to let my siblings have their way. There is one issue that I will have to stand up to my siblings about, though others will likely come up. My brother wants to buy mom's house before everything is divided up. I am going to have to say no to that. He has made it clear he does not want me at mom's house at all, though now my sister, brother, and I own mom's house. As I said in my previous post, I have accepted that my siblings are the way they are and this is a relief. I am sad though that I still have to deal with them and I feel that this is what the tears are about.Will the nightmare ever end? Yes, it is ending slowly, as I do what I can to separate myself emotionally from all the unnecessary cruel family dramas while keeping my self respect.
I admire so many people on this site, and the fine people they have become despite having family members with BPD. I have to keep reminding myself that there are good things going on in my life right now and there is more light at the end of the tunnel.

I agree- you should stand up for the rights you want to your mom's property. If your brother wants to buy the house, you can push for your share of the profits. Unfortunately this might require getting help from a lawyer.

It's sad that dysfunction persists in your family but this is why there are wills and laws.

I have received a really nasty email from my brother all about how I have demanded three times to help clean out mom's house. This is all untrue. The last time I stayed at mom's house which was Christmas 2017, I mentioned something about helping to clean out mom's house after she died, and my brother blew up letting me know he had no intention of giving me access to the house after mom died. I was walking on egg shells every time I was there, and every Christmas I came for less time and tiptoed around him. I did mention in my email to my brother that his not letting me come to the house caused my mother great sorrow. (She was begging me to come visit her the last few months of her life. I knew based on my previous visit that my brother would not allow me in the house without my sister present, and he would be upset the whole time I was there.) I truly have not done anything to deserve being treated so badly by my siblings with BPD. I will be seeing them now for several weeks in a row, and as usual, I will be the one who all the horrible negative feelings get dumped on. Pray for me, that I can keep my dignity and respect in the coming weeks! As I write this, I have tears in my eyes. I am looking forward to the day when I rarely have any contact with my siblings. It is a relief to have mom dead, and just so uncomfortable to tiptoe around my siblings with BPD never knowing when the next round of blow ups with me to blame for everything going wrong will happen.

I am so sorry- I would spend as little time as possible with them.

I hope you get through this OK- and also that you won't have to deal with these relatives much after that.

Hi zachira.   I will pray for you for strength and peace.   

Will you be able to get a lot of space and alone time from your siblings?  Can you stay in a hotel or even rent your own car so you can get some freedom?

Hello, z.  I’m sorry that you’re having to endure this. Just remember the strength of the scapegoat. For some reason a random vision of a cheesy arm tattoo of a goat flexing a bicep with a sinister grin entered my head. 

I truly have not done anything to deserve being treated so badly by my siblings with BPD.

No, you’ve done nothing wrong. Your siblings can’t handle their feelings and dysfunction so they’re projecting them onto you. I’m not minimizing their actions, but you know all too well how the cycle goes. I imagine that it’s hard to not take those things personally, especially when in times like these family usually becomes closer. It’s quite the opposite with disordered individuals. Times like these create a stage for them and they escalate. I will most certainly be praying for you.

I’ll echo the advice of planning as best you can to give yourself an out if things become too overwhelming and/or abusive. You’ve been through enough. Protect your emotions and vulnerabilities. You’ve mentioned surrounding yourself with good friends and healthy people. Turn to them if you need to. And, as always, we’re in your corner.

My plan is to spend as much time as possible with my kind caring relatives and family friends, and keep those people around as much as possible when my siblings are present. My siblings will act nice if other people are around.
I will get thru it, and I only have to bury my mom once. Thanks for all your support and helpful thoughts.

I understand. I actually considered not going to my father's funeral. Even my H was shocked that I felt that way- he know how much I cared about my father. But I didn't see the point of going just to be mistreated by my mom and her relatives who she had painted me black to.

I did go. The kids wanted to pay respects to their grandfather. I am grateful for the kind relative who did show up. I avoided BPD mother. I just couldn't deal with her. Yes, I was polite but didn't sit with her or speak to her much.

The dynamics in my family changed after he died. Dad was a sort of connection between me, my mother, and her family. I tolerated her in part, because of him, and it was mutual. She doesn't like me and shows it more. We are still in contact, but there's distance. You will get through this and you may find you are less connected to the siblings who have not treated you well.

Notwendy
I think I am in good shape and ready to do what I have to. I don't blame you for thinking about not attending your father's funeral. You say your mother doesn't like you. I think the reality is she doesn't like herself and is unable to manage her emotions with anybody who does not go along with her charade.

That's exactly right.

There were many people who helped my parents at the funeral, but one person wasn't there. It was a male caregiver for my father. He needed someone who was strong enough to help him shower and dress, and so it had to be a man. The other caregivers were female and so were not specific to my father, they helped my mother too.

I asked my mother where he was and she snapped something about her not wanting him there. I thought it was weird- funerals are open events. But after reading your post I bet he didn't put up with her charade. My father would not have said anything to him about my mother, but I bet he saw through her and either didn't come because he didn't want to deal with her or she got into a conflict with him.

My mom also listened in to any conversation with my Dad, but with this man, it surely was only him and my father  when he was helping him. He also took my father outside as he was the only one strong enough to assist him leaning on someone. I bet this made her mad. Even if my father didn't say anything, she may have imagined they were talking about her. I can imagine the Karpman drama about this.


At any rate, he was good to my Dad and a nice man. I'm glad he was there for my father when my father needed him.

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