BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone

I'm trying to figure out if there's a trend or a pattern in our breakups so I'm asking if you're willing to share a short note with what happened a few days leading up to your breaking up.

I'd been with her on and off for about two years, lst time I asked if we could see each other again as friends, she said no way, all or nothing, I fell for it . it was following a few good days with her, we talked a lot and had some wonderful sexy times.

Unfortunately I was unavailable for a few days, and to be honest I was a bit overwhelmed by how good it had been, so I dialed it back. She demanded I look at my phone over text (which is completely pointless, but you know..), said she was going out to drink and probably pick a fight.

I tried "validation" but missed the mark , told her to punch them hard if they messed with her, she was still not feeling better, told me she was cheap, feeling guilty about spending money on drinks. I again failed at validation and told her to take small sips then to make it last (I "validated" her feeling cheap, not good), got ghosted the day after.

Pretty mild I know, but it was an awful time trying to figure out what just happened.

So, what's your breakup story?

There are many since there were multiple breakups.  (Pretty sure that's a running theme around here.) The final one was after a rough few weeks of him going back and forth between begging to see me and refusing to see me and lots of long chaotic texts.  This culminated with him sending me a series of pictures of me coming and going from my house and a demand to know why I was wearing what I was I wearing in each.

So, yeah, this is how I found out that he had installed a camera on my house and had been watching me without my knowledge.  Now, he had threatened many times to hire a private investigator to follow me (to catch me cheating he said), and we had discussed that in therapy.  I thought he had eventually understood why this would feel like a violation.  Yet... he installed a camera on my house.  And had been watching me for months.

That was it.  The straw that broke the camel's back.

Before the "final" breakup?

A lot of back and forth and unclear boundaries were the hallmarks for my case. Granted, my ex was the one who initiated the breakup over myriads of "reasons".

Of course, that's also how she winded up pregnant by me. A lot of it felt like she planned it all along.

SURVEY | How do BPD relationships finally end?: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=39279.0


if you want to understand what led to the breakup(s) and find patterns, i think its important to understand the seeds that were first planted, and when. if relationships are a series of interactions, it can be a bit like looking at the last two minutes to understand how "the game" was lost.

the last time i saw her, wed spent a lovely few days together. i took her to a concert. im not sure we fought once (that was abnormal for us  :( ). she told me that she felt like shed fallen in love with me all over again. within a couple of days, she went really distant on me, and got more distant, and more distant. when i confronted her about it, it finally clicked and i asked her if shed been thinking about breaking up with me. through tears, she said "yes". we talked about it. i made the case for our relationship. she wasnt much having it, but i left the conversation not completely sure we were done. i gave it a few days then took down my relationship status on facebook (turns out shed had hers down for a while) and suddenly an amicable breakup turned ugly, and out came the guy shed been lining up.

sounds like a lot of stories here, right?

what led up to all of that dates back at least a year, if not to the very beginning, and the ways we dealt with conflict between us. it includes both of us going outside of the relationship. it includes some major fights, one in particular, where i think we both knew that it was over, or ending, though i wasnt ready. it includes both of us saying some things during some of those fights that i dont think either of us could come back from. it includes me emotionally abandoning the relationship for a long period of time because i didnt have the strength/wasnt ready to end it, and the two of us not seeing each other. it includes her looking elsewhere because she didnt have the strength/wasnt ready to end it. and yes, it includes each of us having second, third, fourth thoughts, but both of us unknowingly being on pretty different pages at different times.

all of this was certainly much easier to see once i was removed from the pain of it, and had more knowledge and experience to draw on.