BPDFamily.com

I just need advice. My girlfriend is BPD, major depressive, and recovering from drug addiction. I am the only worker in the apartment, and I have taken her kid, a 2 year old we are getting screened for autism, as my own. Love the lil dude. She has had a bad past. Drugs,rape, extremely abusive boyfriend/husband, and abusive family. I have had a hard life, but not that hard. She picks fights with me constantly. It almost feels like shes looking for it. Any time i say anything that can be considered smart-ass, an argument, or mildly disrespectful ( which i usually never mean anything to be these things) it becomes a huge issue. She yells at me saying im doing her wrong and that i started all of this. Says that i say things to her in a tone i dont think i have ever talked to her like. If i defend myself she gets more mad. If i just sit there and take it she gets more mad. All i can do is agree, i guess. Then she is silent and wont talk to me for hours or the whole day ( unless she needs something from me). Just go sit somewhere in silence. In bed she will not share a blanket and scoot as far away as possible. It hurts me. I work my ass off in a warehouse. 9 times out of 10 i come home and have to do the dishes, clean the house, etc. she always says she will take care of things but i know better. She drives to me to work because i dont have a liscense yet. She has 7 hours to help around the house but either sits at her moms with the kid and does nothing or at the apartment and does nothing. At least thats what she says. She is always yelling at me, and when i ask why are you yelling? Why are you rude? What did i do? She gets even more mad, tells me that im not thinking about her.( in her defense, sometimes i can be. I can also be an asshole sometimes, im not completely innocent). She will just sit there and watch me move furniture or anything. Never says thanks for all the stuff i do around here,stuff i get her, anything. Made her a 6 month anniversary breakfast( 1 day after, so shoot me) and didnt touch a single bite. She did nothing for me, beside go out to eat with the kid, which i paid for a good bit anyways. Always is frustrated that the kid keeps her up at night( even though i am up dealing with the kid to and i work until 1am) it PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing hurts me. I spend 24/7 thinking what did i do wrong now, whats the deal now. What can i do to make it better. I just dont know. I really love her but this is really taking a toll on me. I am all out of answers

@Gabbafish I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  You have embarked on a near impossible task of "saving a life."  Your story reminds me of where I started with my now husband 3 years ago.  He was a mess.  Could barely form an opinion or complete a sentence.  He was drunk or high on some drug the better part of two decades.  And yet through his messy broken self I saw the potential.  He thinks it's funny that I recently told him he was far beyond a fixer upper.  I feel like I found a classic car body at a dump with no motor or working parts and set out to restore it to mint condition.     We ain't there yet, let me tell you. 

Well, we got him up and running.  He's done a 180, but as I will tell ANYONE with BPD or not, getting someone sober is just a baby step.  There's a whole lifetime of crap that lives under the mask of drugs and alcohol.  So, you've gotten through step one.  Congrats.  But now is the real work and she has to be a willing participant and if you enable her to remain the same then "this is as good as it gets, welcome to my life."  My husband was very childlike at first.  He couldn't handle chores so I did them without complaint because that is where he was at.  Do you have children of your own?  They don't learn things all at once.  You have to decide what you want to focus on one thing at a time.  First thing for my hBPD was holding down a job and not getting drunk.  Then it was being okay with experiencing negative emotions.  Addicts cover their emotions with drugs and alcohol so they can avoid experiencing those feelings.  I would expect her to be negative and depressed.  I got my husband to his doctor and instead of popping Xanax, I insisted on safer more long-term anxiety and depression meds.   That made life manageable.  Barely, but you know he wasn't searching for the hose and the ducttape anymore (snickering). 

That was like the first year and half.  You are taking on the role of daddy to two children.  If you can't hack that, then might want to rethink what you are embarking on.  You did not "grow up" in a vacuum.  You lived, you learned, you failed, you got back up.  She has to learn those things... sober.  Emotionally she is the age of when she started doing the drugs / alcohol.  So, she is like an angry rebellious teen maybe.  You might know teenagers more emotionally mature than her. Yes, that is normal... to be expected.  If you love her and are committed to helping her become healthy and independent adult you are going to have to ease her into adulthood. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is what you will read on many of these posts.  Learn about BPD, get a therapist, meditate, exercise, fill your own life with good things.  But you are dealing with two issues.  A brain disorder/mental health issue and recovery from addiction.  After she had a stable sober life for awhile, she may be more open to add to the basics.  I push my husband to grow.  That means when I see he has a handle on one thing, we move to another area.  Right now he is working two jobs, so I knew any education or certifications would have to wait until after the second job ends.  I explained why I was a caregiver for so long 3 years basically, and now he gets it.  He helps as a partner.  But he wasn't doing that the 1st, 2st, and most of the 3rd year.  You want advice.  The best advice is you have to see this as a lifetime commitment with a goal of raising this emotional teenager into a stable adult that can be a partner.  It's going to feel like dragging deadweight around, but with love and patience she may come around.  And you have to know your bottom line if she doesn't show any growth or progress over time.  Like say over this period of six month we focus on this, and if after six months I don't see this or that then I decide to stay or move on.  But it's going to take reevaluating over and over and over and over until you get there.  And there's no timeline.  She has to want it and so do you. 

Hopefully that helps.