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My wife is going to her first DBT counseling tomorrow.  I have a lot of hope that this will help but I don't know what to expect.  How fast should I notice an improvement?  How effective is DBT?  I'm really tired and I hope this works.

I don't have experience, but from what I've read it could take a long time, as people have to practice to replace their unhealthy coping mechanisms that they've developed over their lives with new and healthier ones. Steps backward and forward are also part of the process.

Godspeed

One word... patience!

There is a YouTube channel called "borderliner notes"… in the play lists, there is a list, in fact several lists of two -five minute clips of interviews with Mrs. Marsha Linehan PhD, ABPP (among other foundational pioneers in this bpd/npd research).

This person; Mrs. Marsha Linehan PhD, ABPP is the 'pioneer' of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)… the "inventor" for lack of a better term… you should check that out, listen to what she says… "insight"… search her name, read her material / works / books… there is also a lot of her work here on bpdfam… in the groups at the bottom, "Community Built Knowledge Base"… check it all out.

Learn all you can, read read read!

*(source wikipedia) "Marsha M. Linehan PhD, ABPP is an American psychologist and author. She is the creator of dialectical behavior therapy, a type of psychotherapy that combines behavioral science with Buddhist concepts like acceptance and mindfulness."

Red5

like Red5 says, patience, and realistic expectations are very important. expect ups and downs.


what are you hoping for an improvement in?

Red5:  Thank you, as usual.

Once Removed:  The improvement I'm looking for for now is less drama, less jealousy.

My BPDh has been through about 6 months of DBT now. He's working again and likes his job. He is eager to show me the changes he is making and takes responsibilities for his own emotions. He was also eager to show me his DBT skills as he was learning them. I'm still wary, waiting for relapse or backsliding, but he seems to be doing pretty good at this point. Tentatively hopeful.

Hi Matthew

My daughter attended weekly group and counselling for 14 months in 2016-17 and then took a 5 months weekly skills refresher that ended this February. She's now taking the next step, they're considering trauma, compassion, schema therapy...

I think it depends, our situations are unique, my daughter was very unwell, suicide attempts, self harm...  As Red says patience, patience, patience. 

I remember just thinking, boy I hope she engages and fortunately she did.   I did not ask questions, I was there listening when she wanted to share.

That's right Steps. Overtime I found those steps backwards became less frequent and she bounced back quicker, building her DBT muscles.

LoneRanger, I'm glad to hear your H's doing pretty good at this point, sounds like he's feeling some relief. . 

What support do you have in real life Matthew?

WDx

My husband has been in DBT for 5 weeks, he is really driven to succeed  so things are going pretty well. I too will reiterate patience something I’m working through with my own therapist.

First, I'll answer the speed question.  That really depends.  If all is going well, you should be able to get more out of a conversation that just raw emotional pain.  If you can have a conversation where she can explain why she feels a certain way, that's Progress.    What I would say is be careful how you move.  Now is not the time for an airing of grievances Festivus style.  She won't be ready for a while.

In terms of improvement, that depends on how much she's willing to do the work.  The group part tends to be a particular challenge, because they'll be around people with the same issues, and they'll declare that they're not as crazy as that.  It's the first time they actually see their thought processes reflected in someone, and that can scare people off.  I know it did with my ex-wife.  The other is that DBT is strict on rules about latenesses, absences and contact outside of the rules.  She  has to be willing to follow rules, or she's going to face consequences.  How she feels about that is anyone's guess.

I will further the premise, dialectical behavior therapy will also greatly benefit you as well Matthew 19:26,

Not saying you should be with her in the room, or even a member of her group, which is probably “not authorized” anyways... but what I’m saying, is for you to study, and perhaps adopt dialectical skills on your own, so that you yourself can be better able to communicate with your wife,

From my own notes...
#At its core, DBT helps people build four major skills:
*mindfulness
*distress tolerance (this one is crucial)
*interpersonal effectiveness
*emotional regulation

This is a time for you as well to evaluate your own cognitive thinking processes, and your own dialectical thinking abilities.

Basically, it would be a good time for you to engage in your own deep introspection, we all should be doing this periodically.

Not saying you’re broken, in the sense of that word, but all of us can certainly benefit from “inner self work” now and again, I think of it as a self audit, periodically... of our “mindfulness”, our emotional operating system.

Does this make sense to you?

We all can benefit from a mental reset now and again,

You want to be there for your wife, you want her to glean - benefit the most from her DBT, you want her to have the best shot at any degree of success... there is an equal part of this that you can effect, by seeking your own self improvements parallel to her DBT.

As we used to say down on the flight line, “training never stops”.

We all want to be at our best, and keep our life, and relationship skills sharp, this will give us, and our partners the best chance at sustained happiness and fulfillment.

Keep Posting!

Red5

 

LoneRanger307:  Thank you!  That's very hopeful.

Wendy:


I've met with a pastor 3X.  Two weeks ago he promised to find a counseling referral for me.  He finally came through last night.  I'm calling the resources on Monday.  My BPw had a rage explosion today.  I'm "fried".

Everyone:  Thanks for the great input.  You guys help more than I can express.

I'm sorry to hear you've been "fried". Do you know what led up to your wife dysregulating? How did you respond?

Good for you, upping your self care with counselling, look forward to hearing how it goes.

WDx

its important to understand what DBT is, and what it isnt.

DBT is about more mindful responses to our strong emotions, and developing more constructive ways to cope with them.

for example, it wont make her a less jealous person.

it may help her recognize when she is jealous. it may help her step back so to speak from her jealousy and examine it, and reality test it. it may teach her ways of coping, for example recognizing that she might be looking for reassurance to you, and learning to ask for that.

thats what DBT can do.


realistic expectations in terms of both the time this can take, and your wifes abilities/limitations, as well as expecting ups and downs, are really important.


Red5 is dead on here. DBT skills will be invaluable to you in terms of coping, more mindful and constructive responses, and it can go a very long way toward supporting your wife, as well as emotionally connecting with her, getting on the same page.

it will also give you a better idea of what to expect.