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Title: What I want to say to dd and therapist Post by: MomSA on July 21, 2019, 07:01:37 AM Good morning lovely supportive people
As some of you know, tomorrow we are meeting with dd 20 and her T for the Geneva Peace Convention I really want to focus on the great growth she has made in DBT and in her life at home. I made a list of the things: She has met with all her counselors as agreed She passed her Adobe Masterclass She has a good job and is managing the time keeping She has house sat twice successfully She hasn’t used weed – she has been negative on all tests so far She is emotionally regulated with the exception of when boyfriend broke up with her and when her best friend told he he was tired of her drama She listens to me when I give advice wrt non-moral issues She has asked for advice a few times wrt relationships She is generally polite if she is not tired or hungry She’s hardly smoking She paid her money due without asking for board and car Concerns I still have: She still shows impulsive behavior (tattoo/piercing/boys) She drinks too much on weekends She still wants to use weed “legally” The last point above is what is the concern. She is moving out in a few weeks and has said very evenly that if she is out of our home and in a place of her own and smokes weed she is within legal rights. I don't want the meeting tomorrow to degrade into a for/against weed argument as my husband will get triggered. He also said today that he doesn't know whether he will not say: "Touch weed and I will take your car away and put you back into rehab in a flash". This is concerning. I would like to simply say: "We have invested thousands into your mental health and well being and we would like you to protect that investment in yourself by staying away from weed, taking your meds, continuing your therapy, eating well, getting exercise and sleep." I understand that those things are all her choice and I won't, nor can I expect her to always do it right, but honestly in terms of the drug usage, I don't want ultimatums. She has regulated herself in many ways in the last few weeks, and I am almost convinced that she may have a weed binge, then come to her senses of her own accord and I don't want my dh to short circuit that choice. Does anyone have any advice or input for me? Title: Re: What I want to say to dd and therapist Post by: Only Human on July 21, 2019, 03:42:46 PM Hi Mom! :hi:
I'm looking at your list and agree, there has been a lot of positive movement in the right direction. I encourage you to keep it simple, too much praise can backfire as a pwBPD can begin to self-sabotage just when things are going well. I like livednlearned's suggestion in your other thread: I’d try to approach the meeting with wisemind. It’s possible to hear what’s been asked of you without judgment or any comment. Listen closely, test the water. You don’t need to share your needs and/or wants if you don’t want to. Neither does there have to be a long conversation, particularly about things in the past. Remember JADEing and your SET skills if there’s open dialogue. What do you think? ~ OH Title: Re: What I want to say to dd and therapist Post by: GaGrl on July 21, 2019, 05:05:45 PM What about staying away from the "investment" lead-in and just tell her a variation of -- "You are at your best when you are minding your health. We see the positives and we are proud of what you've done. We want to see that continue."
Title: Re: What I want to say to dd and therapist Post by: MomSA on July 22, 2019, 08:03:01 AM "You are at your best when you are minding your health. We see the positives and we are proud of what you've done. We want to see that continue." Yes! Title: Re: What I want to say to dd and therapist Post by: MomSA on July 22, 2019, 08:04:35 AM I like livednlearned's suggestion in your other thread. What do you think? ~ OH Yes, I agree. I saw someone say (and I cant find it now) that validation = GENEROUS listening. This is so true. I'm really hoping my husband will be able to keep his peace... :/ |