BPDFamily.com

Things have been very bad for a while.  My uBPDw has deteriorated a lot over the past two years and in the past year, I firmly believe through reflection, reading, and two counselors, that it escalated to emotional, verbal, and (a few times) physical abuse.  I sought a lawyer who recommended I move out, file for divorce, and set up custody.  Once we have a custody plan in place, we can put the divorce on hold and see if time will help anything. 

my W is begging me to withdraw the petition so we can work on our marriage.  We have great kids.  She is begging that I don't go through with the divorce, which I don't want to either, but she, myself, and our kids can't continue living like this.  I'm afraid to be vulnerable with her. 

We have seen two counselors and it has not helped.  I feel that things got worse under our current counselor.  Like getting worse before they get better type, like made the situation worse.  If you're curious how counseling went, read this article about what is says about the all purpose therapist. (https://couplestherapyinc.com/emotional-abuse-and-marital-conflict/ (https://couplestherapyinc.com/emotional-abuse-and-marital-conflict/)).  I could identify with it so much.

She said she obtained a scholarship to a focus on the family marriage retreat.  I haven't looked into it, but I'm not hopeful it will do much.  I don't want to waste the time.  If I thought it could really help, I'd drop everything and do it.  She is seeing.  She wants us to see the same psychologist, separately.  From this Psychologists bio on her website, she specialized working with disabled veterans.  It doesn't say anything about abuse or personality disorders.

She says she is doing a bible study with a friend.  However, while this friend is a nice person, this same friend didn't believe me when I tried to ask for help with the abusive behaviors that I was receiving.  I still get calls from my W to withdraw the petition, work on our marriage during the separation, I'm too controlling, I'm not living my values, I'm destroying the family. 

So my question is, if she truly does want to save the marriage, and not just get me to back down so she can go back to her regular patterns, what methods have worked for other people?  What do I need to look for?  Right now, I still don't feel like she has taken responsibility.  When it comes to her past behaviors, she'll say things like, "Oh if you look on those lists, you could accuse any spouse of being abusive at some point or another. You have done things on those lists.  I could classify you as abusive."  While, I believe there's a shred of truth to that, I don't agree with her.  It's things like that, that I get skeptical.  I want to give her the best chance possible.  I'm not in a hurry to get divorced.  I want to stay in my apartment, I am willing to stay married and separated for years if that's what it takes, but I need to have some plan in place for how and when I'll see my kids.  She keeps wanting me to talk to her friends.  She wants to to learn about how custody plans really aren't all their cracked up to be from her twice divorced friend. She wants me to talk to another wife who almost left her husband because of alcoholism, but stuck it out and he got better.   

I guess I'll also mention that when it comes to therapy, she only want's to see a Christian Psychologist (not a therapist).  When I go to the Psychology Today website to search for anyone who deals with BPD, there are none in my town.  A preliminary search shows the closest one is an hour and a half away.  My concern with this is not the drive, but I have not outright suggested to her that she may have BPD.  I expect that would go really bad.  If I suggest she go to a specific psychologist an hour and a half away, she'll wonder why, Google, this person and realize what I'm doing. 

Hi Wilkinson!

Every situation is different. Every relationship. Every person. That said, as someone who was ready to leave who then decided to stay, I'll give you a little bit of my experience.

My uBPDh had already shown some minor  red-flag red-flag but last year things got really bad. Verbal and emotional abuse on a regular basis. Taking advice from people here, I started seeing a domestic violence counselor.

One weekend while he was away, things came to a head and I told him I was going to move out.

It terrified and shocked him. He said he'd had no idea it was so bad. He was already in anger management therapy (he still has no idea about BPD) but he really knuckled down. He genuinely apologized and took responsibility for his behavior -- still does. He didn't remember a lot of what he'd said and done, but he didn't doubt my account. With his work and the tools I've learned here, our relationship has greatly improved.

It is possible for things to improve and change. But something my therapist stressed to me was the importance of "real change." There are some signs and one of the big ones is a true willingness to accept responsibility. It sounds to me like your wife is minimizing, making excuses, etc. Those are  red-flag red-flag and are common in abusers who are just trying to keep their partner around.

Here's a list developed by Lundy Bancroft, who's something of an expert in domestic abuse. This is about abusive men, but if you switch the pronouns, it still works:
Admitting fully to what he has done
Stopping excuses
Stopping all blaming of her
Making amends
Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness
Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse
Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured
Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip
Not demanding credit for improvements he has made
Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)
Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
Carrying his weight
Sharing power
Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts
Changing how he responds to his partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
Changing his parenting
Changing his treatment of her as a parent
Changing his attitudes towards females in general
Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)

So, in my opinion, you're right to be wary.

You're also right to not share BPD with her. That almost never goes well.

Have you spoken to a counselor of your own? If you feel firm in your decision to keep a separate home, then move ahead with your plans to set up a custody arrangement for the children. No, your wife won't like it and may make things difficult. (Our forum on Divorce, Co-Parenting, etc. will have a lot of good advice for you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0.) But you have to determine what's best for you and your children so decide that. Set your boundaries. Move toward your goals with wisdom and empathy.

I'm sorry. I know this is a difficult spot to be in.