BPDFamily.com

I'm just so tired . hello, I'm new here. I've been married for 18 years to my husband. He is diagnosed schizoaffective and borderline. I'm just so over it . I refuse to engage. I really just want to sleep, eat, go to work, and have fun... maybe travel a bit, do hobbies, ya know, the normal bits of life. this is nearly impossible... if I'm asleep my husband wakes me, if I'm hungry there's an incident (he's hungry too, so it's not 'fair' if I don't fix him something... he also has a 'thing' about chewing noises), if I mention finding a better job (working just 2 days a week now so I can take him to doctor appointments) there's a blow up! All these culminate into "I don't love him." which as it continues is going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy soon. these are the little everyday things, so you can imagine trying something 'big' like a vacation trip or just a trip to the movies or to a restaurant is a major issue. I'm just numb... I'm slowly replacing time with him with other activities because he's just not enjoyable to be around. We discuss and discuss what does he want to do, sometimes for hours. He doesn't want to do anything but sit and complain, and expects me to sit here and listen to it, and I'm just so done! I feel myself becoming sort of like a Vulcan. I really try to not get sucked in so well that I'm just steel. until I go out with friends or go to rehearsal (I'm in a few music groups) and then I'm like ohhh this is what regular social engagement is like, sometimes I forget. I'm worried that this is going to affect me forever. I'm terrified if I do try to leave this relationship everything will still be tainted somehow... that I won't be able to really connect with anyone again because I've spent 18 years learning to barricade from it. does anyone out there understand what I mean? anyone going through this?