BPDFamily.com

I'm not sure if this is right group for this post.. Father of my child with BPD. We were trying to work it out for the one millionth time.. not sure why I keep doing this.. things just keep getting worse and more toxic. Especially on my end, doing and saying things I would never do or say. Having feelings I've never experienced before.. rage, hate. Yesterday I told him I hated his guts and that he was a dead beat father (which he basically is, provides minimal financial support, not working), told him I wished he wasn't the father of my child and that I didn't want to be with him anymore and that I wished he'd disappear. I was swearing and yelling at him over the phone. He got quiet and said "okay" and hung up. Texted me that my wish will be granted and to tell our daughter he loved her very much. Haven't heard from him since. What is that? Suicide threat? Tried calling and texting him that I didn't mean it the last part about disappearing. I would never say such awful things to people. I can't take it anymore. I snapped when he was telling me he "didn't get a fair trial" through the courts on his THIRD domestic violence of him trying to strangle me(not sure was so unfair about your 1 month in jail and probation for almost killing me but okay),and that I was the one with the mental health issues. My mom told him if she found out he was violating the NC order again that she would call the prosecutor so then he tells me I have to have my "mommy break up with him" because I'm ill and immature and a coward. Pissed me off when he said that... tells me he hasn't done anything wrong since he got out of jail. Which he has since said "I should have strangled you when I had the chance" and just 2 days ago he came at me twice causing me to flinch. And once again I can't say anything hurtful out of anger without still feeling guilty about it.. I forgave him over and over and over and over for hurtful things and now he can't give me the time of day for one comment? Don't even know why I care. He was supposed to spend the day with his daughter today and then just doesn't because WE are fighting. What kind of father punishes his daughter but taking time away because he's pissed at me? I know he's fine because I finally asked him mom and she said she had talked to him not too long ago. I'm so angry and I hate him. I'm so frustrated that I cannot make him see. He lies fabricates everything! Just needed to rant. Thank you!

If you've not been on this board before, that's okay.  We'll share our experiences and what we did to address problems like that.  Most of have faced your dilemma or aspects of it.

I see you were never married to your ex but do have court orders in place.  Court orders need to be written with terms that protect both you and the children.  Beware of terms or processes that make you deal directly (and endlessly) with the ex.  At some level you know you can't reason with someone who won't listen or constantly rewrites the communication script (manipulations, guilting, demands, ultimatums, etc).  Yet from your description of this recent incident, you are doing exactly that, trying to reason with someone is can't or won't listen to reason.

Sadly, if you continue expecting reason from someone seriously disordered, this frustration and sabotage will continue.

I'm sure others will respond soon to include what's worked for them to avoid these no-win situations.

My thoughts are that you first need to keep your distance from him.  With past DV behaviors and court action in response to them, getting back into range of his personal comfort zone is a virtual invitation to let him fall back into past abusive behaviors.  Can exchanges be done at public or neutral locations?  DV is less likely to happen in public scenarios.  I did exchanges at sheriff parking lots for the first couple years, then we relaxed to restaurants or gas stations.

Second, arguing, appeasing or acquiescing are all poor boundary or negotiation tools.  You already know being nice or reasonable, even if it works for a while, will fail when the extreme moods and perceptions are triggered.  Frankly, while you don't have to be nice, you do need to never incite incidents by getting frustrated and yelling or whatever.  Try to imitate court and other professionals, talk and write as emotionally neutral as possible.  A truism sometimes commented here, The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets credit.  Of course you don't want to be seen as raising the level of conflict, but stop trying to appease or demand with him, generally it will fail sooner or later.  Focus more on practical Boundaries.

Third, he's an adult, he needs to own his consequences.  You'll never "fix" him, so change strategies.  Follow the approach by family courts, they deal with behaviors and behavior patterns.  During my 8 years in and out of family court on custody with parenting issues, it never tried to fix my ex.  Actually, the last time in court the decision noted that she needed therapy but didn't order it since it speculated she might not be able to afford it.

True, true, true.

If he is not willing to engage in serious therapy with a clear end goal -- you cannot make him, nor can you influence his current actions and behavior.

If there is a DV based order of protection, follow it. If you engage him, you run the risk of abrogating the order of protection.

Take care of yourself. Are you seeing a therapist/counselor foryourself? If not, do so quickly. This is part of self-care, along with a healthy diet, plenty of sleep, exercise, and interaction with the healthiest and most supportive friends and family available.

We are here for you, too!

He tried to kill you and you are trying to have a relationship with him again.

Please, if you don't have a counselor, go see one.  Or contact your local domestic violence shelter or hotline to get some support.

None of this is easy, but the more support you have, the more bearable it will be.

Why isn't there a no-contact or restraining order in place?  It's not like 30 days probation is enough!  You should get something in place for a few years. 

Hi Empath12.

Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. As the others have mentioned, many of us on here can relate and understand what you're going through. Don't beat yourself up about your comments to him. We all have been there and nobody is perfect. The unfortunate thing is that people like your ex will often try to use your comments to make you feel guilty and/or get sympathy from anyone who will listen. Don't fall for it. Stand your ground. Next time just try to disengage with the tips listed here.

I used to try to "reason" with my ex before finding this site. I kept thinking "He can't actually think it's OK to not pay child support and go on a trip." Or how can he possibly get upset when he was talking about suicide last week and when I've expressed worries about our daughter going with him on his time, to which he says "You're a drama queen" or "I never talked about suicide." It isn't rational and makes you think you are going crazy sometimes. But I will tell you that your BPD ex will never change and sadly there is nothing that you can say or do that will make him change.

He can't think past himself. The world owes him something. It's a mental health thing and there is no switch that will flip him out of his mindset. He may play manipulator at times and may really seem like he means what he says when he says he's going to change or get better (and in that moment he may honestly think it). But he's not capable...simple as that. The fact that he is still making threatening actions against you is hugely indicative that he doesn't understand the magnitude of the situation. You need to follow your order as closely as possible and stay away from him. How is there not a restraining order in place? My restraining order against my ex was a godsend in my situation. It has since long expired but it offered me protection for a couple of years when our relationship ended due to him assaulting me. And the limited contact was written right into our court order since the restraining order was in effect at that time.

Once I realized that my ex wasn't so much lying as that is how he actually perceives everything, it got a bit easier for me to deal with. He still makes me so angry at times but I have realized that nothing I say will have an impact. And it simply isn't worth the angst it brings me to try.

So reduce your contact with your ex as much as you can and just follow the order. And stay away from him. Just think of how awful it would be if heaven forbid he did something to you and your daughter had to go with him because you were injured or hurt or in the hospital (or worse). You need to put your daughter and yourself at the forefront of everything. As mentioned here, get a good counselor who specializes in domestic violence. Or go to your local shelter and look into resources if you can't afford a counselor at this time. Support for you and your daughter is so important right now.