BPDFamily.com

 Forgive me first and foremost, this is a vent as maybe a safe Place? Maybe some devils advocates to show me other perspectives?
My second time posting, using the resources here  and thanks for this site

It's fine to just vent sometimes -- and good forum etiquette to give us all a heads-up that the post is a vent.

Go ahead -- if someone sees something to pursue, he/she can respond. Otherwise, know we are here to support you!

Lol, I’ll take it...venting in safety

Hi Trublu,

What do you have going on? 

Panda39

Thanks for comments, to the question”what’s going on”, that’s a huge history. I’ll focus on current spot...this may be a long back story moment and I apologize, as I write now as I speak, another area need to work on, forgive me. Here we go...
Marred twice same man, 1 grown child now. H has porn addiction, sex addiction after many discoveries. Each escalated in type/ genre.
An issue in our first first divorce, now, worse than ever . It’s been 13 years this time , in 2016 he left “for a job”as I was  just diagnosed, bed ridden for chronic illness(health has  improved now moments, I’m managed but it is what it isn’t
Upon leaving for another country, He said  he looking”.i  stayed with through that, even tried to move abroad with him three times.
The fighting became ,in my opinion ,abusive emotionally , still is, physical moments but has stopped there.
Although on a  recent visit it was like he wanted to by certain actions.
Never has attended counseling, at confession times of whatever the latest finding would be, back when he’d admit now he’s grown to not at  take accountability at all if so then by next day changes.
Very much extremes day to day
 Back to point, refuses any long term martial counseling or individual, fam even gave ultimatum wrongly and couldn’t carry through or any boundaries.
I'm just now starting.
I’m conflicted as I am dependent due to health, I want to help him , us ...as I know this is a problem as a result of a lifetime of use of porn women, things so personality stuff has come up.My thoughts and feelings, I may be wrong as his brother has same issues, all family as same behaviors.
 I’m codependent , reading codependent nor more” doing, homework some resonates , some doesn’t and I’m  not so sure on but wNt to consider as I will do anything.
I’m  in counseling, daughter is also where she lives,from her last years in college and witnessing most.
The guilt is immense there.
He and I are at a high conflict, he just paid a brief visit two weeks ok, then something clicked and it grew worse two weeks extremely bad.
. Him finally in anger saying “I left to get away from you” and some choice words after vs. the I went for work only job thing he’s stuck with.
Also may I note prostitution is at an extreme level where’s he’s located and I have hand indicators there is use.
have photos, docs of, witnesses...as now, he denies all. I feel gaslighted I do.
 
We’re stuck, I’m stuck, asked let’s end or been in an open marriage , at one point we signed a contract between ourselves to property division, especially  house as he made threats “you’ll be homeless ,l blah blah blah..however during this time he’s always met financial obligations.
He states wants marriage, actions say no as no work in , behaviors ,and still apart.
I’m taking bait, stupidly , reacting as so much hurt and stuffed emotions. I myself look like a raging idiot and sometimes it fits.
 I have to acknowledge, I  don’t like who I’m becoming through this why I’m so hoping my new counselor, dr  and method will assit in my growth , maybe realization.
 I’m stuck with days of I love you,you’re great to  I’m the bottom dweller the next day,.
Further, his opinion of women is so bad now,  words like tantrums for saying feelings, extreme control now, so many I won’t list but you get the point.
Where’s he’s located women have no rights.
My health worsens when effected by, on all fronts. He’s doing I love you but I hate your it seems.
Some days I can sadly relate to statement,