BPDFamily.com

So as I've researched BPD I can't but help but wonder if I was told I had it, had a moment of psychosis and fabricated the memory as a way to deal with having been told I have it. For some background I was told about a week and a half ago my wife has BPD but she does not know the diagnosis yet or even suspect it. As I've read she definitely has the symptoms of a high functioning BP but there are times doubt creep in and while I can rationalize my way through it all there is a nagging sense I'm going insane, also I didn't really understand what borderline was and didn't have a negative opinion of it so I wouldn't have freaked out. I read that many times BP spouses can turn you so backwards you don't know which end is up and I attribute it to that. The more I learn the more I start to feel in order to retain my sanity divorce may be my only option. It feels aside from what I've been going through the good times are almost worse than the bad because you start to feel like any bad behavior is your fault and that I'm just a bad husband. Is this normal? I see a therapist and wanted to discuss this with her and maybe have her write on a piece of paper I don't have it just to have a temporary anchor, but I wanted to see if others can relate.

I can. :hi:

Before I learned about BPD, I was convinced I had failed as a wife. I was a horrible, selfish person. I had screwed up everything. So many times, I felt like I didn't know which end was up.

Even knowing that it's not all me and that he possibly has BPD, I still sometimes feel like I'm losing my mind. In the down times, there's a sense of hopelessness that tries to worm its way in. I'm trying to work hard on myself and my boundaries and remind myself that I am a good, strong person.

I've read similar comments from others so, my inexpert opinion would be that , yes, it is normal. You're not alone!

Thank goodness!

Dude...ABSOLUTELY YES - it is normal!

"He who fights monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes back into thee."
- Nietzsche, Aphorism 146

Please no one take that the wrong way; I mean no offense to our pwBPD, but the general idea is the point.

You are living your life intimately tied to someone that is (more or less) inherently irrational, unbalanced, inconsistent, and somewhat unpredictable. Continuous attempts to force your mind to reconcile all the clashing information can have a very straining effect on the rational mind.

Compare this...
1. You, as a rational person, observe conflicting information: You know something is or is not a certain way. Yet the person you probably most inherently tend to trust is consistently telling you that things are other than you believe; sometimes very obviously. Therefore, you understandably begin to doubt your own faculties, due to the regular inconsistencies. Only once you gain the knowledge that the other individual's judgement/perception is impaired can you then make sense of the conflict and sensibly determine that you are sane.

2. Your pwBPD observes conflicting information: red-flag#1 they may not even be able to identify a conflict at all, which is an indicator to you (a rational observer, that they are impaired), but is invisible to them; red-flag#2 they may see the conflict, but explain it away in such a way that satisfies their needs/existence, but still does not really ring true to a rational observer; red-flag#3 they almost never begin to question their own faculties in light of the apparent inconsistencies - and often times will fervently rail against any insinuation that they could be incorrect in their beliefs/positions

In short, questioning and testing yourself is a sign of a strong and conscious mind.
Refusing or inability to question - or even recognize the need to - is a sign of an impaired mind.


Look around on here. Read the articles. Read the boards. Ask questions. Get insights. It will help.

Never did I think Nietzche would hold an answer for me haha. This helps quite a bit, I've been reading Walking on Eggshells and when I read I feel sane, when I'm with my wife I feel insane. It came to a climax this afternoon and I had to get some sort of validation before I completely broke down.

... I’ve read and also heard many times over my journey, “those souls whom wonder if they are indeed insane, and seek to answer... are the most sane souls on the earth”

... or something Iike that.

When you live with it day in and day out for years, perhaps even decades... you are going to pick up traits... just to survive, the “slang” for this is “picking up fleas”.

We’ve all questioned ourselves.

Your certainly not alone in your thinking,

Red5

the idea of "fleas" is a bit of an internet urban legend, Red5. personality traits arent contagious.

if youre in a dysfunctional relationship or circumstance, its kind of chicken and egg. it really requires two.


what is it you want to discuss with your therapist? is it: "do i have BPD/BPD traits", "is it normal to feel like im losing my sanity", or "how can i get grounded and find my emotional center"?

"personality traits aren't contagious"… neither are exploding hand grenades, or hammers falling off a roof, but these things will leave scars (metaphorically) if you happen to be in the "path of".

Yes, "catching fleas" is another urband legend slang term, much like "gas lighting"… that is commonly and widely used when discussing, describing our interactions with our bpd partners, either diagnosed, or not, maybe a good topic for a new thread, "slang terms"?

After being told that I was ____ , by my pw/bpd (suspected, not dx)… for so long, I too began to question, then believe, "I caught her fleas"… ie' projections.

For 30 shekels, what is projective identification?… which a codependent (me) was ripe for : (

Three more urban legends (slang) OR, I've read, and heard to describe the effects, when 'nons' have been under "bpd control" for far too long… *Munchausen by proxy, *Hostage situation, & *Stockholm syndrome,

… "do I have BPD/BPD traits", "is it normal to feel like I'm losing my sanity", or "how can I get grounded and find my emotional center"?

I had these same questions to myself  red-flag… and as I self reflected, and learned, on my own, and as well with my "T", he was able to get me back to "ground"… sanity :check:… & emotional center  :check:

Stick with the therapy tomservo  

Red5

Has your therapist given you a diagnosis? You can ask, if you think it would help ground you or provide insight. Many of the spouses of pwBD on this site are depressed; some have CPTSD after a long marriage ( my husband had both depression and CPTSD after his first marriage to a woman with uNPD/BPD.

What is your primary issue that is driving this sense of doubt right now?

slang terms and pop psych terms are generally not helpful when it comes to trying to understand our circumstances. they mostly just obscure them. 

as a member here once said, if you spend a night under a bridge with a homeless person, you will not catch schizophrenia, nor any of the things that person might say to you.

a more helpful understanding of whats going on than "catching fleas" might be:

1. our own baggage
2. our own reactions to stress
3. our own limited/less than constructive coping skills and responses to conflict

if this was about one healthy, emotionally grounded partner vs one deeply dysfunctional ill person, we wouldnt be in these circumstances, asking these questions.

it isnt normal to feel like youre going crazy. it means we need support and grounding 

I agree OR,

tomservo,... I can certainly share with you, that I too am in a particular bad state this afternoon, but I am using some things I’ve learned...

I have learned to “breath”, and focus on the “now”, and to name my emotions... feelings, and not let them take over in the moment.

I have no doubt myslef that I’ve got some element of cptsd, I’ve learned to identify triggers, and practice mindfulness, to get past these episodes... it takes practice... but it can help,

We are here anytime you want to talk, and to share... you are not alone, as I said, I’m in a funk this evening myslef, and I seem to be struggling to stay grounded...

Reading and learning are good things to be doing, it does help us to understand more about what we are dealing with, I’ve been particularly emersed myslef for a few weeks now, more so than usual,

Try your best to exist in the here and now, note your senses... I read just today,  to identify your emotion, and blend it with your senses... pick out a smell, a sight, a physical feel, touch...

So right now, I’m sitting at my kitchen table with the window open...watching the hummingbirds at their feeder, I smell the coming rain in the air, I hear the wind blow the limbs in the trees outside... I feel the cold glass in my hand... and I’m choosing not to answer the text that my wife just sent me...

Mindfulness... it does take practice.

Let us know how your doing tomservo.

What have you seen and done today, what are your weekend plans?

I’ve got a boat to work on, it hasn’t been in the water in over two years!

Red5

Tomservo,

 I am glad you found your way here and hope that the resources and people in this community help you come out of that fog. There are many here that have similar feelings to what you are describing.

One thing I found very helpful on my own journeyhas been a journal.  I kept it privately so I could verify things that occured, were said etc...  It has never helped me to prove my case, that is not the purpose; it is only there to help me stay grounded.  Writing can also be helpful to put your own thoughts and feelings down.

Let us know how you are hanging in there.

Sync

Absolutely.
I've felt that way many times in the past 19 years of my marriage. I didn't realize until recently husband was suffering from BPD. The extreme over reactions, aggressive outbursts, irrational responses to situations, violent mood swings in minutes, irritability, self destructive behavior. You live with that long enough, you start to think it's your fault or that you're interpreting their reactions wrong.
In my experience,Gas lighting can be strong in those with BPD.

I can say that I could not identify with something more than I do with this.  My wife was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.  Even with an actual diagnosis, I still deal with doubt.  When certain behaviors happen, I always am asking myself is this the BPD or is this different?  I hate to look at everything she does through that kind of lens, but I have a hard time rationalizing things she does or says a lot of times.  We have gone through so many ups and downs, and I am always questioning, is this real or is this the BPD talking.  It can be so frustrating.  We had been doing so well for so long, and just recently, everything has been turned upside down again.  She has a way of making it out to be all my fault.  I often question it myself.  Thankfully I see a counselor myself, which has helped a lot, and have good support system.  You might want to look into that as well, it helps a lot.