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Ok so on July 4th I gave up looking for my ex to contact me ,the only way she could do that was by email which is not on my phone or snail mail. July 4th was hard to get through so I gave up.. April 24th was the 4th and worse get out of my life note. It was so bad I assumed it was what y'all call being put into the black.
Today being  curios I started looking at old emails I see a different kind of email addresses sent on July 6th, I know it's from her. I tried to reply and it got sent back no shock there.
The email says.

Thanks for the bday gift.
 A lot of energy went  into it.
Hope life gives back 100% worth of energy
Glad for the chasum grateful no bridge can be built
Heard u might be moving out of town that is grate news   the breathing room distance is finally here!
Excellent! So glad goodbye is so much more solid
No one deserves to be abused.

I am so confused.I hate that I missed this email from her over 24days ago. It dose out me in a panic.

 First off I do want to write her a letter back. I am so not over her. I don't want to do it with a knee jerk though and yet I don't want to be slammed (which I totally expect) or used for any reason. It might even be to late for anything to be fruitful. I hate that she opened the door like that. I want to be smart about what I say. I am sick of regrets.

I didn't reply to her note or contact her on her birthday which was May 31rst because she said not to violate her anymore and to let her be so she can heal to find a healthy relationship. I thought it to be selfish of me to exploit her bday just to use as a excuse to contact her. It killed me to let that day go by without contacting her.

I never was moving out of town and we do not have mutual friends so this must be in her head or bait?
I can't see me not writing a letter. So guys what are some things to think about so I can do this as intelligent as possible.

I just looked at the date when I decided to start detaching and it's July 6th. WTF. Boy doI feel sick.

Hi Ecan.

I look at that and I honestly see bait. It's clear projection.

I think it's important to look at the reasons behind you wanting to write her a letter. Are you wanting to say a final goodbye, or are you looking to resume the relationship?

LT.

Hi Ecan-

I’m sorry you find yourself feeling so off balance, especially realizing the e-mail was received over 3 weeks ago.  But I believe this delay was also your gift, a blessing.

First a question :  did you send your ex-gf a birthday gift?

If you DID send a gift,  then the first three lines of her note are clear.  She acknowledges your gift, thanks you for it, says that she sees thought and nice energy went into it and hopes for positive things for you.  That’s all good and validating.  Feel that!

The next two lines...

“Glad for the chasum grateful no bridge can be built”
“Heard you might be moving out of town... the breathing room distance is finally here”

I would interpret the above two lines as “taking and needing space”. -  for both of you.  Although painful, it’s important to “listen” to the words.  Honor the space.  It doesn’t matter that you’re NOT moving out of town, now is NOT the time for you to clarify (I don’t think).  I believe that will only heighten YOUR pain... and you are still healing.

“So glad goodbye is so much more solid”
“No one deserves to be abused”

I do NOT see this as a request for contact.  In her odd way, she is attempting to be respectful.  You and she had a difficult ending (goodbye).  And She is CORRECT!  No one deserves to be abused.

You don’t deserve to be abused, Ecan.

When you sent the birthday gift, the door was opened for contact.

She thanked you.  To keep the peace and to keep you on your healing journey, please engage in self-care and TRY not to respond.

Since it has been over three weeks since this email was sent, my view is that she was NOT looking for a response from you.  Otherwise, she would have sent another email, right?

The “gift” to you, is that you DIDNT see this until now.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

To be honest I want both.
I want a chance to say some things, clear the air and now that I'm  more aware it will be most likely  my side that gets talked about I still want to. I also want a chance to see if it could work since I have been working on myself. She's been in DBT and gose to Alanon.She's gone to therapy in the past. I want to see if much has changed in her end.
I think also a part of me wants to see if I can see her now that I'm not intoxicated by her. I want to see the mask everyone else sees if it's there. That's probably my ego.

Gemsforeyes I did not send her anything. No gift no contact no nothing. I was trying to be respectful and also had fear to do so. That's one of the things that has me wondering. Since April I have not contacted her in any way.

So if I have this right, the email was sent a week after her birthday?

I can relate with that. You said so yourself in your OP that she has nothing but negative thoughts about you.

I don’t think that you’re going to get the effect that you want by contacting her now in this emotional state if she only has bad feelings and thoughts about you. Give it time for the positive thoughts about you to come back that takes a little time by giving her space you just have to be patient.

I agree with doing the self work for you that will benefit you in romantic and non romantic r/s’s. Is she doing self work right now? That’s a personal decision that can’t be influenced externally by others it’s her choice if she wants to do the work or not. What if she she doesn’t change and is the same person that she is today? Is that a dealbreaker for you?

Thanks guys this is fresh and I do plan to think on it. Y'all have given me some things to contemplate. I really don't want to do anything off a knee jerk reaction that's how I got myself in this situation in the first place.

Thank you Long-term for you starting my thinking process toward motive.
And Thank you Gemsforeyes for suggesting putting on the brakes. I still don't get the bday gift reference. My guess it was to stick it to me because it was Her bday that got our friendship started.?

Longterm sorry if all scrambled.
Her last note of get out of my life was April 24th her birthday May 31, email was July 6th unfortunately the day I have up and left the reverse board and came here to the detach boad.

I see anger, sarcasm and an attempt at getting a reaction out of you. I think you are still devalued to her.


I agree with mutt. If you do want to re-engage, I would wait until shes calmed down. You could set yourself further back here, i would think on it.

LT.

Thank you Mutt for telling me you can relate.

 I hate this uncertainty stuff. I wish we could all say what we mean. I had lost all hope and then this and I really didn't want to loose a chance for contact. I hate my email address can't be transferred to my current phone. I do have guessing what the right thing to do is and I know it comes with the territory. 

I know my family and friends would go nuts if they knew she had contacted me. They might would take my tablet and hide it.

Thanks again for your insight.

Longterm
I do see the anger and sarcasm. She kinda dose that When she's hurt.
I think I will take tonite and read over something's I have wrote down to remember things I might have forgotten.

Thanks and take care.

Ok wait Longterm if the moving out of town is projection  dose that mean she is moving out of town?

Hi Ecan.

I meant just in general. She is obviously upset and she doesnt want those emotions so she will project them onto you. She may feel abandoned because you have not contacted her. I think she may have expected contact on her birthday but because you didnt it may have made her reach out to you. Its confusing and it disorientates us especially when you have not sent a present or plan on moving out of town. In many regards, the email doesnt make much sense.

It's perfectly ok to feel panicked. I used to panic when I had contact from my ex. I think when we have these reactions we have to look at self care. If you are not over her it may not be the best time for you to contact either. If you are 100% sure you want to write that letter I would suggest you look at motives but also the pros and cons and how they will result in how you feel.

LT.

Thank you for getting back to me tonight I don't think there will be much sleeping tonite. Thank goodness I don't have to work tomorrow. I do plan to do some work on getting centered now while it's quit. Do a meditation and see what my gut has to say. I haven't listened to it in a while I tend to get advice from others and ignore my gut then regret it... The pros and cons thing I agree is a must.

Thank you so much for helping me to think. I have had dreams of wanting to tie her to a chair and give her truth serum so I finally would know somethings. Like I said a dream.

Longterm your the best thanks

Well darn...

Since you didn’t send a birthday gift that changes my ENTIRE perspective!  (Obviously...).  I’m so sorry I misunderstood.

Ecan, you’ve been working so hard on trying to heal your emotions around this painful experience.

I now see every word she wrote as extremely hurtful, vindictive and potentially damaging to you.  This does not reflect a “positive change” in her, regardless of what therapy she may be engaged in. 

As your other friends here have stated, you’ll be better served to engage in self-care right now.  I fear that any contact with her will backfire and create additional pain for you.  Most pwBPD are NOT interested in understanding OUR feelings.

Please take good care of YOU.

Again, I’m really sorry I misunderstood at first.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

We all know how difficult it is, we understand.

If you cant sleep, maybe go for a walk or a 24hr gym? If your meditation doesnt work.

Another thing you could try is journaling, I and a lot of others find it very therapeutic to write our feelings down. I say this because of what you said in regards to tying her to a chair to get the truth out of her. This may be you attempting to gain closure, you also mentioned that you have regrets, writing them down may help too.

LT.

Gemsforeyes it's ok I kinda had too many thoughts going on in my head when writing all of this. It was literally hours since I found the email before I got on here. I have to admit I do feel some anger for the first time at the appropriate time to feel it towards her. That's a change. I have not allowed myself yet to be angry at her for much. This email is a messed up one isn't it. I admit it it's messed up.

Thank you for seeing it and coming back you did it at just the right time for me to get in touch with some anger and for me that's Priceless.

Has anyone had this experience with an odd email?

Ugh. This note was meant to hurt you, make you spin.

Why? You can't know, but most likely she was in a "mood" 30 days after her birthday and she tried to push your buttons and get a reaction - upset you or make you jump. That would have provided some emotional release for her.

It's a little like a cat playing with a mouse... a cat has this natural instinct... it's hell on the mouse.

If you think about it, you have already answered her. Loud and clear. After sending that note, she was probably checking her email regularly waiting for your response. Eventually she realized that your message was "If you want to talk to me, contact me in a more respectful and motivating way."

And she answered you, too. "I'm not ready to treat you respectfully.".

Find peace in this Ecan.

I'm not a believer in playing games and "responding" by not responding... rarely is that what a good man does. This is one of those rare cases, however, where it makes sense to let it go.

She knows you. You know her. You both know the words to say to convey "I miss you" and "I'm releasing with grace" and  "I insult you".

Her note was the latter.

Thanks Skip,

I am trying to accept that this might have been a distraction for her. A jab because her life is sucking right now.
It is confusing because In April she clearly stated for me to stop violating her and to leave her to heal so she can find a healthy relationship. She left It by saying she's rather be hated than to experience my love for her.

May 31rst came and she couldn't predict what I would do because I haven't been consistent with my actions because of my uncertainty of what to do in the past. Although she had never been so off the hook with her hurtful words before either with telling me to get out of her life. It's like she forgot what she wrote in April could that be it?

I honestly thought she was done with me on two accounts.
1. In Feb she moved back with her husband.( Which I admit I find it hard to believe they are just room mates)
2. The last note in April was really harsh and a lot of it untrue. I assumed it was what y'all call being painted black.

So yes this email did activate me heart hurts I spun.. I have been through a lot of ups and downs with this. I haven't been able to sleep. The good thing about being tiered from this is it lowers my defenses down enough where I'm trying to link the feelings of this email to my childhood. It has helped before to realize she has actually activated some childhood pain in me and the  pain is not all from her  that she is actually causing. Which helps me out with perspective of how I am actually feeling about her.

Thank you Skip for your feed back I admit it was hard to read. I guess this email is from a 3 year old and not an adult. It's hard to even think that.

Probably not. As you say, she hit a low point. People with BPD sometimes process their own hurt by hurting someone else.  It's a weird thing... and its very confusing to understand.


It's not hard to imagine her reaching out to you to help process invalidation in her current relationship. She knows you adore her... that's validating. But it's not caring or loving or reconciling... it's being selfish and insensitive.


This is very insightful on your part, for sure.


I wouldn't think of her as a three year old. She is being an emotionally immature adult... she knows your heart and she is toying with it as a means of coping with some stress in her life that she feels, some itch she needs to scratch.

People can be cruel. We can can be cruel, too. We don't need to judge. It is, however, helpful to be able to see it and know how to respond to it... or in thos case, not respond at all.

Boy what a mess.

Thanks again Skip.

The birthday gift reference is petty and passive aggressive.  She doesn't have the courage/ability/desire to say in a mature way that she expected you to acknowledge her birthday and was disappointed that you didn't.  So she used snark to make her point instead.

The rest of the message is more of the same.

Sorry if this feels harsh, but that email does not deserve your emotional energy.

Thank you Starfire for taking the time to respond every angle helps.
No it doesn't sound harsh.
I do wish I could drop it. Im going back and forth now with feeling guilt about not taking a chance to contact her on her bday and I know that's my issue to face. Logically I am doing what she asked of me and I can't read her mind.

Late on this round, but I agree. Don't do it.

Thank you MeandThee29
I'm still with this. It amazes me how this is affecting me. It's like a war of my logic and insanity. I think apart of me still wants to be in denial that she is indeed a borderline disordered person. Wow what an emotional land mine.

MeadThee29 I do appreciate you checking in. It dose seem to be an overwhelming No Don't Do This!
A part of me wants it not to be true.

It's designed to affect you Ecan. I had many attempts to coax me to react over an 18mth period and I ignored them all. Internally I was angry and fighting myself, I felt worthless and the wanting to defend myself was overwhelming. She knew nothing of this because outwardly I was silent, she never got a reaction and this helped me to start feeling better about myself, I took pride from the dignity gained.

I said all that because eventually she did break me down, she pulled on my heart strings and it has affected me mentally, it threw me off guard and made me disorientated. You are very lucky that you did not see that email the day it was sent and this is why NC is best to be implemented whilst your are being emotionally attacked, make no mistake what that email was.

Theres always someone to talk to here.

LT.

Thank you Longterm,

I can relate to the feeling of being caught off guard and disoriented. I'm fighting logic and it sucks. This mess actually started in Nov and I want something that doesn't exist. I want to be able to write her a letter clearing everything up on my side of all this since Nov.and have her be ok with it however that is not reality. It is hard accepting the true reality of this situation. the reality that she is not who I thought she was.
I road by her house last night to see the reality that she and her husband are indeed living together and that was hard to do. I promised myself I would never go down that street ever again however I really needed a reality check. I got ill.

Thank you for your thoughts. It's a comfort knowing someone can relate. My friends and family, I am sorry to say are not good to talk to about this.
 I am so grateful for your effort to help me out.
I'm not sure if I'm making any since because I've only had a couple hours of sleep. I think it's time to sleep.

It is horrible yes. Why did she say that? What does that bit mean? Does she want me to reach out? It can drive you insane and consume your thoughts. I myself have had 2 contacts in 2 days, both ignored and deflected because I understand what's going on, I have bigger things to concentrate on. The way I see it is if they want to be with you they will move mountains, they will right the wrongs. That goes for change too, if they wanted to change their behaviour then they would get some help, nothing would stop them. There was no accountability in that email, no hint of change, no apologies, nothing. It was right up there with the worst I have read.


It is incredibly hard, I still struggle to accept it. All my thought processes these days go to...she is BPD. I cant get away from it and there is no other way to explain it but look at the behaviour, it speaks volumes, there is no questions when you look at that.


Really not the best idea Ecan, that's like pulling your own scabs off and that will only lead to suffering. You need to protect yourself right now, to get to a better place. You are not going to get there driving by her street.


We have all been there or are still there. It's because your friends and family dont understand what has happened to you, only those who have experienced it can truly relate to the damage caused. I suggest not talking about it with them, use your time with them to talk about other things, this can help by distracting you for periods.


I suggest to go see your Dr, he may be able to help with your anxiety levels.

LT.

I dropped it (and picked it up again) with my BPD ex multiple times before I finally was able to let go, or as Skip so eloquently put it... I was finally able to release him with grace.  We all have our own journey getting to detachment and healing.  It's ok to be conflicted about your feelings in these moments.

It is good to remind yourself that you're being logical, and absolutely correct that you can't read her mind.  There is no rational reason for you to feel guilt about doing exactly what she asked you to do.  Guilt, however, is rarely rational.  In this, I'd suggest that you grant yourself some grace.  Also, consider that had you contacted her on her birthday, it's just as likely she would have received that contact poorly.  Damned if you, damned if you don't kind of situation.  Now ask yourself, how many more of those situations do you want to be in?

Regarding your question if others have had similar experiences with emails.  It's texts for me.  On the surface they seem random, but when I look at them over time I see that they are quite predictable.  They take many shapes, sometimes friendly, sometimes longing, sometimes boastful, and sometimes full of snark.  I no longer make any attempt to analyze them.  I allow myself to feel whatever I feel, manage that emotion, and move on.  The more time that passes the less emotion I have to manage.  He gets no response, and while he does get a reaction, he is never a witness to it.

Hello Longterm,
I am so appreciative for you sharing your experience with me and your feed back. I

What really got my attention and made me think the most was you suggesting to look at her behavior.
You helped remind me what I figured out before and it's that she hasn't done anything that I have not already been exposed to from my FOO. My sister was diagnosed bpd in the 80's and it wasn't much information on it. She moved out of the house when I was 5 so I was only really exposed to the environment that created her.

In the past 14+ years my ex has shown almost all the negative behaviors thats in my family all wrapped up into one person.I think that's what makes it so easy for me to be the frog in the slow boiling bpd pot of water.The only thing she doesn't do is hit me and she stop using mind altering substances about 15 years ago.

By the way if I didn't mention it we where best friends for 12yrs while she was married,I had no clue she was bpd or bi, then in 2017 it turned into a romantic situation.Then 7 months after she told me she was bpd when she was moving out of her house to live with an elderly couple , she was taking care of the husband, he was in a hospice situation.  So I haven't had the benefit of living with her. With my living arrangements she couldn't stay with me and because I was waiting for her to fully detached from her husband (divorce for starters) I wasn't willing to get a place with her.  
I don't know why I wrote all that I guess I needed to.
I think I will mourn the friendship the most. Which she has stated I wasn't worth doing that with anymore either.

Longterm thank you for letting bend your virtual ear. You have shared valuable insight getting me to think while supporting me. It amazes me how grounding it is talking to someone who gets it. In my life time I have not had that experience much.

Hello Starfire,

I haven't gotten the hang of this cut and paste thing yet hope this works.You said
"I dropped it (and picked it up again) with my BPD ex multiple times before I finally was able to let go, or as Skip so eloquently put it... I was finally able to release him with grace.  We all have our own journey getting to detachment and healing.  It's ok to be conflicted about your feelings in these moments. "

You are so awesome! I really needed to read that. I have been feeling so inadequate because I can't seem to go straight to just letting It go. Then feeling like if I failed and if contact happened between me and my ex that I wouldn't be able to show my face back here. Failure! I keep forgetting I'm human and this is hard as hell. Compassion!


"It is good to remind yourself that you're being logical, and absolutely correct that you can't read her mind.  There is no rational reason for you to feel guilt about doing exactly what she asked you to do.  Guilt, however, is rarely rational.  In this, I'd suggest that you grant yourself some grace."

Yes she has often gotten me thinking that I am not in reality and I don't think logically.Granting myself grace is an idea that I would never think about doing. However it seems like it's about time, I will take your suggestion and attempt it. Thank you for that auggestion.

"Also , consider that had you contacted her on her birthday, it's just as likely she would have received that contact poorly.  Damned if you, damned if you don't kind of situation."

Oh yes last night it hit me that she couldn't lose with what ever choice I made if she wanted to use it against me. What is so sad is I also realized that I've known her for over 14years and I really don't know how she feels about her birthday. She really didn't talk about stuff like that much.

 "Now ask yourself, how many more of those situations do you want to be in?"

 I have asked myself If I contact her how much pain will it take from her or what needs to happen for you to be resolved enough to choose yourself over her.
Along with you guys this relationship is so different than any other I have experience and I have never consciously felt like I needed anyone before her. Not even my parents.

Unfortunately my childhood had physical and emotional pain along with some psychological warfare With past therapy I am aware I can take a lot of pain before I realise something is wrong in a relationship.

So if I concentrate on the word "want" in your question and answer it real quick I can say I don't want anymore more. Then I start thinking and I also want to be able to walk away knowing there was nothing unsaid. My wants are in conflict. Radical acceptance is easier said than done.

Talking about the predictable in your last paragraph. The reason I came to this detach board was because she never has allowed 3months to pass in the 14+yrs I've known her without reaching out. I did not want to wait to see before detaching because I was convinced she was not going to.  WTF!

Starfire you have helped me remember that I am human and that everyone dose have trial and error. You helped me see I have projected my feelings that I have to measure up or I'm worthless to you guys. Thanks for telling me about the text I probably could see patterns with her if I wasn't so stressed about messing up with her all the time.

Your words have been a gift and I do sincerely appreciate you taking your time to relay them.

Take care












 
 
 

Hi Ecan,

I'm slow to jump in on the conversation, but I do want to say that I'm sorry for how hard this is. It is definitely a process, this letting go, the un-entangling of ourselves and who we are, who we were, who we found ourselves to be.  Some days are better for us than others, but all along there is an underlying sense of grief. I struggle with this too as I detach. Yesterday I was looking at my wedding ring, thinking that to wear it now doesn't seem right exactly, and having to accept that is one more of the layers that I have to wade through.

The waters of learning to let go are muddy, and we can't see the bottom with clarity to know where we are walking. It is one cautious step at a time.

Don't forget patience and kindness for yourself. Are you able to identify any feelings you are having today?

 
Wools

we dont do this, shame ourselves and our feelings, when someone dies. the difference here (or one of them) is that acknowledging our feelings requires the vulnerability of saying "this person really hurt me". in my experience, it is key to grieving and to recovery. let yourself cry. let yourself grieve.

if contact happens between you and your ex, i would hope you wouldnt disappear from your support group. you would need it more than ever.

Knowing the fact that you didn't send her anything puts this in a totally different context then what I thought when I originally read this piece. This is totally a passive aggressive, toxic, and sarcastic message to try and get a rise out of you. Replying would achieve nothing but more pain for you.

Reading this immediately reminded me of the sarcastic, passive aggressive, tone of the last phone call I received from my ex almost 2 months ago in an attempt to get a rise out of me. It was a 34 second call that went something like:

her: You never got back to me about taking my dog in with you
me:  ...
her: thank you!
me: what are you thanking me for again?
her: I want to thank you for being useless as always, doesn't matter. I'll be flying up to NY this weekend to pick her up myself.
me: ummm... ok.
her: *insert audible smirk as if she was left speechless to my reaction* ok goodbye. (sounded as if she was shocked or appalled that i didn't bother to say anything else. Or that it didn't incite a reaction of curiosity and make me desperate to start asking her things)

Thankfully I haven't heard from her since and you should be glad you didn't hear from yours too. Time does wonders, it was brutal at first for me. I always wanted to reach out to her and get answers so badly, but I didn't. I know it sucks but you have to be strong and focus on yourself no matter how badly you want to reach out. I think the first month to 6 weeks of NC are the absolute worst. It will get easier.

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