BPDFamily.com

Mod note: This post was split from the following discussion and moved to the Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338433.0


Really difficult for people out there who have young children and married to pwBPD. What does a man do if he can't take his wife's abuse anymore (it's affecting his health) or he sets down boundaries but in response, his wife's abuse gets worse...if he stays in the marriage he suffers, if he goes his children suffer because the non-bpd is not there to counteract the wife's damaging behaviour. Does anyone know if the bpd's behaviour (if evidence provided) is taken into consideration during divorce cases when the bpd is a woman?

Jareth89,
I recommend you read some of the threads on the Family Law... Board. There are several men who share their experiences with staying/leaving a woman with BPD when there are children involved.

Yes thanks, I have seen some already. I just wanted to know whether bpd is ever taken seriously by the courts as a matter of law. I heard that it was not.

The problem is, unlike some other mental illnesses, is that in many cases the pwBPD can "pull it together". It's a disorder that affects the most intimate relationships the most. Some high functioning pwBPD can hold jobs and be quite socially functional while acting differently with spouse/children when nobody is looking.

Emotional/verbal abuse is hard to prove. With physical abuse, there may be evidence. In addition, some ( like my mother) can present a completely different reality to other people and also make wild accusations against the other spouse. It then is hard to know who to believe.

People have decided this both ways- some divorce, some stay. Some stay for the kids then leave. Sometimes the pwBPD decides to leave.

The BPD's issues are sometimes taken seriously by the Courts, especially when there is plenty of documentation that the BPD is an unfit parent. It takes time and effort to document, and it important that you document in ways that the documentation is considered valid and legal. You can start a thread on the Family Law...Board...,and I think you will be pleasantly surprised at what you learn and the support you receive from other fathers who are/have had similar challanges with a BPD mother and dependent children.

In my case,  the BPD behavior was described in the custody evaluation and the evaluator gave about a 2 hour testimony in court.   She called it emotional abuse and stated she was alienating the kids.  She went so far in court to say that the kids should have 6 months of uninterrupted time with father so to "right the relationship" from the alienating behavior. 

But the judge did not put much weight on it...   Why did the judge still award her...  Probably because she was a stay at home Mom with 7 kids our whole marriage and we had 2 special needs kids that was 1yr and 8yrs old.  1year old at that time was on a ventilator at home. 

I thought I would get 50/50.  But did not. 

They say family court here in the US or at least in the county I live in is a crap shoot.  I was surprised was that there were many false statements given by my wife that cant be challenged...  it is a he said she said.  She is emotionally convincing person.  I almost believe her when she is talking.  I am pretty dry and factually based person.  She won all the style points. 

I guess the answer to your question is maybe 

Documentation was key in my Partner getting primary custody, Education, Medical and Dental decision-making.

The focus of the court (should) be on the best interest of the kids.  During their 2 year separation/divorce my partner had minimal custody - Every other weekend and Wednesdays for dinner.  Mom had the kids the rest of the time.  My Partner was able to document neglect...failing to get their daughter with a toothache to the dentist for 3 months (he finally found someone with weekend hours and got her in).  Mom pulled the other daughter out of school to "home school" her with an on-line school against the wishes of her father, and advice of daughters teachers and principle.  Their daughter did nothing despite offers from dad to use his computer, her aunt (mom's sister) gave the same offer, but she did nothing that would be a GPA of 0.0 for her first year of High School (that had consequences later).  My partner was so desperate to get her back in school he was hoping his daughter would get taken in for truancy. Their younger daughter also had high absenteeism a stomach ache on Monday meant staying home all week. (This absenteeism was really about moms inability to self sooth once my partner left - she was using their daughters to fill the void) Mom was evicted twice (and later a 3rd time post divorce).  She was not able to do what was best for her kids over those 2 years she was given many chances and just repeatedly shot herself in the foot.  She just wasn't and still isn't capable of parenting - she can't even take care of herself.

So yes at least in our case the court looked at her behavior because we produced evidence/documentation of neglect and how that affected the kids.  The court will not care about how your ex treats you, you are both adults what matters is how her behaviors impact the kids, your ability to document the behavior, and your ability to demonstrate good/consistent parenting.  Are there places that are biased towards mothers? No doubt about it. Can people with BPD be convincing? Sure. 

The whole thing is scary because we put our lives and the lives of our children in the hands of someone else, someone who doesn't know us and someone we don't know.  So I circle back around to documenting...documenting...documenting.  We can only do our best to provide the best information we can.

Panda39