BPDFamily.com

It has now been over 2,5 months since my ex bpd just vanished...i miss her like hell every hour of the day. The pain is not easier but i dont break out and cry everynight, it just comes when i least expect it.. and then i cry myself out. I realise that she IS gone forever.. to 99 %.. the last 1% is the hope that we will be together again.. someday.. why? Soo many reasons. Tomorrow i will get 4 weeks of vacay.. usually i am looking foward to my vacay but this time am just afraid, and dont care about it. Me and my ex are having vacay at the same time. If she not changed it, wich is a very little chance. We planned the vacay, just enjoy eachother, sunbath, go to Italy where she has her roots, show me her aunts place.. i was so happy to finally spend summervacay for the first time in my life, with my partner, the love of my life.. i was so happy. Now- everything is gone. So whats the reason to be happy having vacay alone? None. The last weeks i have been angry in my thoughts, not of her, about the way she left me, how she left me. Its not fair.. thats makes me angry and sad... i belived in her.that we would make it. But i was fooled? My selfesteem is in the bottom, and i have lost hope on love and to find a partner later when am ready.. its too late. I have some of her stuff still that i have made up my mind to give to her. But it frightens me just the thought of knock on her door.. is that normal to be afraid of your ex? Why do i feel so scared of doing it? It wont change her feelings for me, at least not the good ones.. i dont think so anyway. I think am scared if she get rage at me when i leave the stuff. But thats my desicion. I have to do it. I think i will put a card in the bag with her stuff, just saying i miss her,think about her, and ask her polite to come back . Just few sentences.. why? Because i want to have done everything in my power to show her that i do still care, and i am not like other partners she have met, who just have turn their back on her, accept her words that she wants to be alone. And just " abandon" her. And Show her that just because she says so,- i'll do that. I want to show her that no matter what, i stood for her. Even though her abusiv hateful words, accusement, before she left. I want to be that one first person she will someway, deep in her heart, will at least know that i am not like others. Even though her Bpd"behaviour".. i love her. For me, it will be some kind of closure. That is the point with this. I am not expecting nice words from her, a thank you or that she will regret the breakup. I expect NOTHING in return..is that so wrong of me? Selfish thinking? Would it be so wrong of me? Pleaae respond.