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Potentially lighter topic: I'm curious to know if anyone observes patterns of worship/discard in your pwBPD's pets? My MIL has had two dogs since I've known her, only one at a time. She spends thousands of dollars in caring for them, from toys to nuanced medications to special food. She doesn't cook for herself and very rarely for anyone else, but she would cook food from scratch daily for her dog. Her dogs have both been unusually whiny and needy, too. They follow her around the house and whine and bark if she doesn't pick them up. Both were 'diagnosed' with separation anxiety. I guess it makes sense that behavioral patterns would extend to pet care. What do you see?

Hi there,
I'm new on here first time today, but I have wondered precisely the same about my Dad uBPD. He worships his dog and will worry endlessly about  her health, teeth diet etc and has even planned her cremation bless her, I totally understand loving and caring (she is absolutely  beautiful)  but others have remarked that it is way too much. He is overly protective of her and never allowed her to integrate with other dogs, which has not been beneficial, she has missed out on interacting/playing with her peers. My take is that a dog however intelligent, cannot form an opinion regarding a person's emotional state so therefore is a always neutral and loyal to its owner, as long as kindness is shown directly to them. I feel for Dad that she is an emotional crutch, and something he is able to easily understand without him having to have any interpersonal skills, and it gives him comfort.He has never discarded her though but looks thoroughly confused if she doesn't respond to his commands!

My mom had one of those little walnut sized brain dogs that only likes its owner. 

About ten years ago, my mom tried to get me to make friends with it.  She held the shivering little beast, a teacup Chihuahua, and told me to pet it. 

"She looks like she wants to bite me."

"Nonsense! She wants to you pet her."

After a few back and forths, I reached out and Little Satan nipped me. 

My mom scolded Rosmary's Puppy, "Margarita! Shame on you! I can't believe she did that!"

"I told you she was going to bite me."

Year's later when my mom lived with us through the winter, she brought that Lilith in addition to Lilly The Chihuahua, who is actually nice.  The dog would go after me every time I turned my back.  I would put my foot out to keep the demon from severing my Achilles' tendon.  My mom blamed me for inciting it.  She used to mash food with warm water for her babies.  I rolled my eyes to myself.  They're dogs, not babies. 

When my mom demanded to be taken home, she left Lilly with us. The kids liked her.  She took Beelzeebub back with her which was good because I couldn't stand the Hellspawn, and I like dogs. 

Lilly The Worthless Chihuahua is still with us three years later.  I give her semi soft Old Roy mixed with soft canned food, and sometimes table scraps. She has to be at least 18 by now. I think that the old girl might have a crush on me,  she whines at the back door when I'm inside, but she can't come on without a diaper.  My mom was a hoarder, and the dogs saw inside no different from outside.  It was disgusting.  The old pup seems like she has a crush on me.  I feel a little uncomfortable since I don't feel the same. But I'll take care of her nonetheless.

pursuingJoy   :hi:


I think the BP worships the idea of being in a relationship. It can be tremendously validating for a person's sense of worth—vitally so for a BP's incapacitated self.

I see a similar situation for how the given BP 'worships' the idea of being needed by a pet. To me, the dynamic of need and provide is a close fit for a child and a pet. Both need you to survive. This need for worth being met by the actions of replaying dynamics with a child—it's well illustrated by some of the BPDM variants by Lawson (Skip's summary here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.msg587882#msg587882)).

Under another lens, the child worships the parent by their pairwise role as care-needer. Therefore, we can immediately see the potential use of the child as a source of validation is monolithic (from the act of giving parent-worship). So then we now see the BP gaining a massive supply of validation, and their "cultivation/building of the relationship with a pet" seems to us their effort to "worship" the supply. Simply, the BP appears to worship the pet because they get a supply of something their self is often craving: validation.

With a pet, the BP gets to play this game of being needed for 15 years +/-, because a pet can't go out and be self-sufficient. Of course, you can tack on ideas that pets can't be assertive like humans—so they'll never learn to combat the BP on civilised terms; and this list can go on. This is similar to White Feather's idea that dogs don't require interpersonal skills to give their owners comfort.


From the spouse/partner perspective—my UexpwBPDgf wanted 2 young dogs. They were at 3 months each. Both strays from the shelter. I told her I wanted 50% effort from each of us—basis was that we were both working adults. According to my calendar, I did about 98% of all the work on both of them.

I think it's a good example of how both of us treated our relationship.

She wants to enjoy the relationship's benefits—but her deficient capacities caused her to shirk her responsibilities. I wanted 50% contribution from her, she gave 2%.

I want to enjoy the relationship's benefits—and I was willing to tolerate doing the extra 48% of her share. I wanted 50% contribution from me, I gave 98%.

I learned that it can be painful to look at the proportions we put in. I learned that we don't pay attention while we are working at X task because the present realities benefit from the non having the ability to function at whatever point in time—i.e., I can't have an anxious episode about how crumby my situation is while my dogs need me to be stable and calm so they don't give the vet (and I) a hard time at the clinic. I learned that being exhausted keeps us stuck repeating patterns that aren't good for us.

Regarding mindfulness, I learned that stepping back requires presence and calmness of mind—i.e., an environment that fosters self compassion. Imagine perhaps a quiet place by the lake. But in the enmeshed relationship of being with a pwBPD, imagine being immersed in the lake, the currents are strong, and you're treading water—tough to get presence and calmness of mind.

Regarding our own motives—part of what I learned was I didn't care about my self enough, and I expected some kind of reward value of being in a relationship with someone I perceived as societally attractive. I couldn't see how that was fair on me or my planned children being in these relationships with a BP when I had a good great chance at getting out.

On the PSI board here—how this would help me is to understand the spouse of the BP, and I'd also add that if the spouse-figure did things that you didn't like, accept it as such and don't jump to finding excuses for them (as the child-figure). Look at what each of them did with a clean set of objective eyes and do what you need to do.  

Enjoy your weekend.

Turkish thanks for the comedic relief. Hellspawn   I'm glad Lilly has a home.


gotbushels, we are very thankful for the validation my MIL gets from her dogs. When one died, we thought she would be devastated, but she went out and bought a new dog within two weeks. The dogs have filled a massive hole for her and given her something to fuss over, something to adore her and need her. I've read a few articles on BPD service animals. As long as the animal isn't being mistreated, or (as in your case) you're not using others to take care of your animal, it seems there are many positive benefits.

Sounds like you learned a lot through your experience with your ex. It is interesting to consider the many ways a pet can highlight/reflect positive and negative aspects of ourselves and others. My husband and I don't have any bio kids together but he takes time to train my dog and love on her. We watch and repeat what he does.