BPDFamily.com

Hi again. Im stuck here.. in my thoughts and dont know what to do here.. i feel am going crazy and need support. It feel like am dying inside.. i have so much trouble of handle the pain, the loss and the emptyness- it kills me. What are my thoughts then?.. i cant get rid of the feeling that it's my fault my ex uBpd just broke up for good and disappeared.. i cant get the thoughts of that i should have teied better, listened to her pain, her fear, her jelaousy.. and all this what if.. it litterly kills me. I feel no joy at all do things, my life seems meaningless. And i dont have many friends to talk to.. they all are tired of me not just forget about her and why i dont move on. Appreciate life again. Things i liked doing before. The thing is, that i have never enjoyed being alone, do things alone, i was so sick and tired of it, but i somehow was used to it. But now, when i finally found the love of my life, and someone to spend and share my life, my love, my thoughts with- i finally felt i was "home". With her, although her negative sides with breakup/makeups, her rage, accusation, fear, jelaousy, there was the other part also. All her love, huge heart, compassion, her intelligence.. all of it, both- made me feel calm in my soul. She was the right one for me. And now she is gone.. and am lonely again. But now the loneliness its unmanageable...it is not like before... before i could handle it- now.. it just kills me... litteraly. I want to go to her, knock on her door, hope she will let me in, so i can just hug her, say all things am saying here.. tell her i will never ever leave her, tell her how much i love her and want her to trust my words... but i cant do that. Am too afraid she will hate me for that..i am afraid of being rejected again... my heart tells me to do this one last thing, to show her that even though she abandoned me, even though she said so much harsh words with hate.. i want to show her that i am not going to love her less.. its her own pain speaking..but my mind tells me its wrong.. i dont know how to move on...?...

Hi Yoke,

I understand your pain so much   

Your description of your feelings of loneliness, hurt and raw pain resonate with so many of us. 

It seems that you are actively grieving right now.

The solace from this grief will likely not be found with a disordered ex-partner. 

What does your support network look like?  Personally, I would have found it difficult to cope without the support of a therapist, support group, this website and my friends.  Do you have good supports in real life?

Also, and not to minimize your pain, shortly after my brutal discard, I rescued a kitty.  I can't tell you how much having a pet around helped during my loneliest days.  I'm not sure who rescued whom.

Hugs to you 

Warmly,
B

Yoke you did not cause her to have BPD traits.  Her instability was hers well before you two met.  I know her leaving you hurts but there is very likely nothing you could have done -nothing.

As an example mine raged at me because of my past girlfriends.  I was familiar with this phenomenon, it is called retroactive jealousy.  The person suffering from this literally feels like you cheated on them -they obsess about people they have never met.  Hell!  Some of these relationships happened before she was born.  But the feelings are real to them.

So as a result I had the deepest compassion for her.  I listened and I validated (ok... That is a therapy word.  At the time I was listening and telling I was sorry for her pain. I acknowledge her feelings as real).  I learned SET when I was a very young child because of my relationship with my mother support, empathy and truth. 

Apparently (and inadvertently) I did 'everything right' in our relationship.  I literally never even raised my voice to her.  I was consistent, calm and patient -always.  I made myself ever available to her in case she was frightened so she could talk to me rather than cut herself --- AND WE FAILED.

 


These parts are inseparable from the lovely parts and it is this dysfunction which lead her to leave a kind, loving and compassionate person such as yourself.  Yes mine seemed like two different people -but they cannot be separated.  She is a single emotionally unstable human being -who because of this instability is incapable of having a healthy relationship at this point in her life.

If you are able to get out and go to a coffee shop.  Just sit and be around other people.  Get out of the house for a bit and see 'real life' going on. 

I know how hard this is I really do and I am so sorry for your sadness and grief.  Yoke it does get better -not by friends saying 'snap out of it' but by grieving the loss as you are doing.  The only way out is through.

Maybe watch a movie you know and like (not romance...)  I went to a silly movie days after my break up and for about an hour I lost myself in it -it was a nice vacation from the maelstrom in my head and heart.

Just so you know you are not alone, nor are you crazy...I have the EXACT same feelings you have. It’s excruciating. Unlike anything you have ever felt. Plus, you can’t stop the thoughts in your mind.

I went back as you are contemplating. I said everything. I supported.  I listened. I was vulnerable.  I loved. We made life plans. We vacationed. I trusted.  I was thrown away out of the blue and replaced immediately after 5 months. (This was the nineth time I was abruptly left). The only place it got me was right back where I started, starting the entire grief process over again.

If you can stay away, you WILL move through this quicker. And you will move through this. This pain is temporary.

@Wicker Man, @Hopelessbroker, @Baglady.. thanx. Maybe it gets better, but when is the question and will i manage it? It has gone almost three months now and it feels not better at all. I do go out, i do watch movies, i do see friends. But i am not happy no longer. I dont enjoy life and what it gives me. Am like a robot, just do daily things, wake up, take a shower, go to work. Sometimes i see friends for a coffe, dinner, swim, drink a beer. Just do go out clear my mind for a while. But as soon as i get home, when am alone..- those thoughts of all of it comes back immediately.. and i cry. How can an grown up woman in her 40 'th, wich u had an almost 9 month relationship with, someone u are engaged with, someone you said you loved so much- just write a textmessage and breakup by that?  How can she just walk away and never turn around? Date someone new three weeks after the breakup? How can she live with that without feeling she has totally destroyed the partner?   And the main thing here- how can i just forgdt this? How can i move on? How can i ever be a normal person after this, so cowardly way of breaking up..move on..I dont think i will ever get over this pain completely..it will always remain somewhere inside me.. like a dark shadow..  For me, this is so hard to live with.. the pain, the no closure...the wonderings...

Hi Yoke,

I feel your pain and so many of us here do. If it's possible for you to seek a therapist, please do so. Also keep posting here and start writing a journal, it's a good way to get your thoughts out of your head. Like Wicker Man said, the only way is through, there is no easy way out. But we can do it!

Thanx @cleareyes.. i go to rherapy.. thanx

Yoke, I'm so sorry to read how much pain you feel and how difficult this breakup is for you. It will pass, I am sure of that, and in my experience when so much pain is triggered it can take quite a while. Wishing you so much strength and courage.

@kittykay. Thanx a lot!