BPDFamily.com

*mod note: This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337496.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337496.0)


Yes well, I am still here (you  :cursing, as Steve McQueen once said drifting on a sack of coconuts in Papillon. I've been reading here all day, not sure what to write. I guess this is an update of sorts.

So we have had some productive moments, my partner and I. Despite being holed up in this bedroom 24 hours a day, we have been working on this business of ours 15 hours plus a day. It has been quite an  experience. We have had a few sales online and this gets us excited and boosts the confidence. There have been a few heated debates about the best business decisions regarding pricing mainly. There is also a bit of paranoia on her part about people spying at our work online stealing ideas or even placing an order so they can analyse us. Whatever...

Two or three days ago things began moving south. She spent a day in bed and did nothing claiming she was sick. Later that night she picked up and began woking with some new enthusiasm about a different business tangent. Then the following morning she was snapping at me. I noticed she had written some 'notes' at her desk about how much she hates living with me and my kids. By the afternoon she was in bed supposedly sleeping. I wispered to her I was just going to the shop for some soy milk and would be taking my son with me, so as she need not feel threatened with him here. She leapt out of bed and put her boots on. I asked what she was doing and she said, "Nothing; just putting my boots on".

I went to the shop and returned but she was gone. Her Son arrived moments later and asked if she was around. I told him she had disappeared. "Any idea when she might return," he asked? I said it could be 10 minutes, or ten hours. He added, "...or ten days". He said he'd go look around the local parks. About half an hour later she returns with him. She climbs through the bedroom window, grabs her toothbrush and leaves. I ask what she is doing and she says she is helping her Son move house and adds, "See ya!"

I have had a good run lately. She would disagree no doubt. I am back to the usual silent treatment. I have heared nothing from her since. She may turn up randomly and act like nothing has happened. Who knows? I am not getting much sleep. As far as the business goes, she has left me to keep the show on the road. She may not even be aware of what she is doing.

Even though I am feeling pretty miserable and lonely, I have made no attempt to contact her. I could ring her son, but I don't think I will or should. I am thinking it may be more productive to not let on how she is impacting me. It is all about her really and she may not even care. I am kind of thinking that the best thing may be to just ignore her little 'episode' and keep working on what we were doing before she left. I would pay little attention to a spoilt child having a tantrum, so maybe she needs to be treated the same?  Knowing her, she will get sick of her son's girlfriend as she does in no time at all and return to tell me all about it.

This is just crazy :cursing:. I really wonder how much longer I can endure this for. I would love to have a 'normal' relationship. Being liked by your other half three days a month is  :cursing:

I'm sorry to hear that she's disappeared again, but am glad to hear you've had some positive energy and sales with the business.  What can you do to feel energized and in control of your life to help pass the time in a positive frame of mind while she's away?

RC

Hello Radcliff. Nice to hear from you again. This time I did not chase. Yesterday she arrived here in the afternoon. My eldest son started slamming doors as he was clearly annoyed she was back. I suggested we go camping for the night which once we set up the tent and ate, she calmed down.

It is a difficult situation here. I have a 27 year old who moved back home 3 or so years ago and has sunk into a comfort zone of doing nothing because Dad does it all. My youngest son, 18 and autistic, is a lot more capable but he does not like my partner. I feel quite stuck in the middle.

I rang my sister yesterday and she suggested that when my partner returns, in a day or a week, I should react differently. Just pretend she has been gone ten minutes and just got out of the bathroom. I am beginning to think this may be the key. I doubt I can change my partner. She is incredibly stubborn and to date there is nothing I can do to get her into therapy or stay on medication which makes a massive improvement from my perspective. All I can do is change myself. I have to learn how to cope. If I stop reacting to her disappearings, maybe the frequency will decrease? She needs to know that if she is using this as a punishment of sorts, it will no longer work. She may simply need to get away due to anxiety from time to time. She rarely tells me she is going. I will just have to accept this is the reality and not let it bring me down or destroy me.

Do you think I have this right? It is about changing what we can possibly change; ourselves. Is this a key part of being in relationship with a person with BPD? Is this what Radical Acceptance is?

I think you're on the right track!  When she leaves, she's saying, without words, that she needs space.  She'll take as much as she needs.  I like your sister's suggestion to not react too much when she gets back.  Maybe as if she'd been gone for the afternoon -- warmth at reunion, but within the realm of daily routine.  Hopefully with that, it will remove any reward dynamic, and her absences will become simply what she needs.  You've come a long way from back in the day!  Are you in a more peaceful place than back then?

Are there any opportunities around your relationship with your older son?  You said you're doing everything for him, which invites the question... ;)

RC

Radcliff, I appreciate your response. I am on the rollercoaster here today, unfortunately. I am in a better space though than I was months ago. A lot has happened in the past few days. I will update as soon as I have privacy to do so. Yes, it is one of THOSE days... again!

Hello 2020,

I think we are getting better with age, and added mileage,

Like an SR-71, or the “Millennium Falcon”... the “heat” of repeated use, repeated beat downs, and conflagrations... only makes us stronger and stronger.

“All is quiet on the western front tonight”... “veterans of a thousand psychic wars we are”...

Fare the well my friend, you are not alone...

Kind Regards, Red5

Red5, thanks for the SR-71 reference

2020, I'm sorry you're having one of those days.  Keep us posted when you're able.

RC

Thank you Red5 an Radcliff for the support. I wish it was just the 'Falcon' I was dealing with here. I could thump it and make the jump into hyperspace!

So basically what happened was this... We were eating in the bedroom the other night, as we do. This is something which has happened over time with my partner. No communal cooking goes on in this household anymore. Sometimes I need to set up the camp stove in the bedroom because she thinks she'll get food poisoning from the kitchen. As we begin eating I hear a banging noise on a wall. I ignore it at first. Then again louder and louder. I quickly leave the room and knock on my eldest son's door across the hallway. He opens his door and yells he is sick of it. He says he has nobody in his life anymore and wants her to  :cursing: off! She starts yelling at him. All  :cursing: breaks out. He yells, "You are an EVIL, EVIL, EVIL B :cursing:". I then lose it and start yelling at him. As you can imagine it all goes south from here on in.

I try to take control, somehow. I tell my partner we need to talk. She is furious. I get the car keys. Somehow she gets into the car with me and we drive to the ocean, about half an hour away. She is yelling about how abusive my children are. I make desperate attemps to validate, but in the back of my mind I am trying to recall what conversation we were having which set my son off. Was she telling me how useless and pathetic he is? It is hard to recall...

We sit in the car in the dark for 15 minutes watching waves in the headlamps in silence. I begin to leave and she is yelling she is never going back to the house. I am kind of hoping this is true. I end up parking around the corner from home and notice my son has left. His younger brother tells me he took a bag and his guitar and walked off. I suspect he has gone to stay with his friend. I get the camping gear, pack up the half eaten meal on the bed and return to the car. It is now midnight. My partner is not talking to me. I tell her we are going camping and drive to this campsite. We set up the tent and go to bed. She is fuming.

The next day we wake up and I tell her we need to go back to the house and mail off some orders from our online store. We get back and do that. She comes into the house via the bedroom window and goes to bed. I lay down next to her and to my surprise she wants to be intimate. The day progresses reasonably well until she tells me she is moving out. I ask her where and that is when she completely goes off the deep end. She is furious I will not move with her. I tell her I cannot afford to move but understand that things are difficult here in this house.

Basically, since then, about three days ago, she has refused to eat although she did eat something last night. She has pretty much been on strike as far as the business and work is concerned. She was raging at me all day today whilst I tried to keep busy. Her son turned up with car troubles about half an hour ago. He rang first and when she got on the phone she told him I wasn't talking to her!

Oh, and there is another bit too I left out. The night before last she did one of her famous disappearing acts again and came back rotten drunk. She got on the phone and told all her relatives what an A-hole I am. I have never met most of these people. She has 14 siblings! Just as well I don't care what other people may think.

Yeah it is a real struggle. The good part is I am more prepared for her to move out and it isn't such a threat anymore. She causes so much drama. It may be better that we are in seperate homes so if things are not good, we can have our own space. I spoke to my son on skype last night and he understands. It is just other people don't have the patience of a caretaker lol.

Thanks for listening to this. She'll be back soon and the mood in the room will become rather solemn...

That sounds like a tough couple of days, I'm sorry to hear about that.  Did you ever figure out what upset your son?

RC

Hi 2020,

Just an observation, there is a lot of focus and energy on your partner, what about your kids?  Can you put yourself in there shoes?  How might things look from their perspective?

Panda39

It's been a few days.  How are you doing?

RC

Thanks Radcliff and Panda. I have been trying to reply here but I just don't get any time alone to do so. I appreciate your comments.

So, things have been going along quite well here with any potential dramas being extinguished before they escalate. To be fair I think we have both tried not to allow things to escalate or provoke each other. This morning we woke up with my son's tutor at the door. After speaking to him and returning to the bedroom she bagan the sarcasm. I tried to ignore it which may or may not have been the best tactic, then she accused me of saying something two days ago which was not true. I asked her if she was sure I actually said that? Her response was 100% sure! So I then repeated what I actually said and remarked she was only 50% correct. After making a coffee she disappeared out of the window and has been gone for three hours now.

The positive part in all of this is, we did have a lengthy period where we were both working together with minimal incidences. The other thing is I am not going looking for her. I am DETERMINED not to look for her. In fact, something is shifting in me where I will no longer react in the way I did even a few months ago. If she does not return tonight, then I will not go running to the hospital looking for her. I fully expect her to return in a drunken state and go straight to bed.

That's the update. I will spend the next few hours reading here and arming myself with knowledge. I will not be drawn into her quagmire. Thanks for listening. I hope you are all doing ok.

EDIT: Sorry, I didn't really answer your questions. I think my eldest son has just had enough of her. She comes across as very rude and is vocal about how my kids are to blame. He returned on the weekend but has been laying low. My interactions with him have been minimal. I guess things have been damaged between us. I might be able to understand my partner and her episodes, but he has had enough. It is a difficult situation.

Well, she did return drunk as I anticipated. She got into bed for a while and I asked if she wanted to talk to me. She told me she hated me and we are over and that she wanted to be left alone. I echoed what she said and let her be. She then got out of bed and rang her son and told him I was holding her prisoner. She arranged to meet him in a park and then started blaming me for making her into a 'homeless hobo'. I said I understood she was upset and found it difficult to have a discussion with her when she had been drinking. I said we would have to do this tomorrow when she was sober. She did not like that at all and started yelling at me. I said I won't be spoken to in this manner and she left. I have not seen or heard from her since. I am not going to go looking. Not much more to add at this point. I'll see what unfolds tomorrow. If I don't hear from her I will just do my work and get on with my day.  :wee:

Hello all. I am updating again here. Still no contact from partner and I have not gone looking for her either. She will be at her son's house I'd say. I do not have his phone number but could look it up if I wanted to by checking the phone bill here. I don't want to do that. My partner has no phone. She knows the home number here so she could ring but has chosen not to.

Today I am tired. I don't sleep much when she disappears. I am reading about Karpman Triangles on this site and starting to see what is possibly going on and equiping myself with the knowledge and skills to best manage these issues. She is clearly acting the victim, I am the persecuter and her son is the rescuer. This will run its course. She will make another triangle at his house in the next day or so with her son and his parner whom she can't stand. Then she will come back here and tell me all about it.

I am having a lightbulb over the head moment. It is all about triangles. I will do my best to move to the middle. I will update here again as this develops. Thanks for listening.

Great that you are reading about triangles!  Just to be a pain, I'll remind you about “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0)  :(  Congratulations on all the progress you've made.  You are not running yourself ragged chasing her like you did when you first arrived here.  It's wonderful to see that.  Keep reading, try to sleep more, and keep us posted.

RC

Thanks Radcliff. JADE is the first technique I found here. I have been trying to impliment the SET (Sympathy Empathy Truth) part as well. I can't get much past the S...E... before she starts yelling.  lol

I rang her son on Saturday night and left a message. She rang me back half an hour later. She seemed fine. Said she had been sick, but apart from that was acting like nothing had happened. Sunday morning to arrived back here. I made coffee and she told me how awful it was at her Son's place; how his home is sterile, like a nursing home. She said she hates his girlfriend, and never wants to go there again. I just nodded and using other words, reflected back what she was saying.

She has been quite angry to be honest. She has been refusing meals and coffee. I Made a really nice soup last night but she sat on the bed eating stale corn chips instead. As far as I am doing, I am going on with my life as usual. It is Monday morning here... I made a coffee and she has already vanished. I think the key is, not to be drawn into the drama. Not that easy though is it? I guess I'll get better at this. The fact she has worn me down over the years has brought on this new "I don't give a  :cursing:" attitude. Sometimes I think I'd just like a peaceful life with someone calm.

When my wife and I were dating, I was a great cook, after we got married she began to criticize what ever I may have prepared.

She would cook as well, and sometimes I would, I never ever said anything about her cooking...ever,

Towards the end of our time together... I was often in ST jail, so when it was like that, I would prepare dinner for my son, and I would have the leftovers...I would even offer her a portion, but since ST was in effect, I would be ignored.

She would sometimes go for takeout, or she would do as you describe 2020, she would grab a bag of “crisps” from the pantry and eat that, even though their would be ample portions I’d have cooked in the kitchen sitting on the stove top.

I think is a victimhood thing, also shaming and blaming...

“got to make a big scene, to play the part of the poor abused partner”

... the entitled victim martyr... control and punish...

After a while, like you 2020, I grew to have an attitude of despondency...ie’, DILLIGAF

Others here have told me I was withdrawing from my wife, effectively emotionally abandoning her with this attitude... my “T” told me that this was “survival mode” behavior by me?

Yeah, I cooked... but she would turn her pretty little nose up at my fantastic pot of chow... curl her little lip, and pout... very juvenile behavior...smh,

I crave normalcy... and routine, sustained good nature, and a happy zero stress environment in my home, she could never provide this to me for very long, without a total meltdown about every eleven days.

I started to have a “wtf is it now” attitude... and I know by doing this, I was indeed making it worse : (

This type of “fog” in the home, over continued time, will be bad for both your physical, and as well emotional, health.

Hang in there 2020, Red5

You know what Red? Today I just don't know if I can 'hang in there', or could be bothered. Yesterday her attack was relentless. As I tried to work on this online business we started in June, all she did was sulk in bed in the other corner of the room, and tell me how  :cursing: I am.

I tried SET, just agreed with all the BS which came out of her vile mouth. I was very kind to her and listened and supported her. And I got worse than nothing in return. She did her usual routine of disappearing and drinking, then climbing back in the window and yelling at me that we are over. Somehow I kept drafting these sewing patterns and getting through what has turned out to be a massive business commitment, of which she is doing nothing except sabbotage, which she did last night when she deleted all of the items for sale from the website. I put them all back up and have now changed the password to access the site.

Red, this is a joke; a comedy/tragedy which is played out in the middle of the night. This so called 'business plan' was her dream, and I polished the suit of armour and have been working 18 hour days to accomplish what? Her 'dream'? Or is it a sick little game to see how high I'll jump? Today we woke up and had four orders. All we need to do is get to the post office and our day is done. She has decided to disappear again because of some misunderstanding I cannot even remember, and it only happened an hour ago!

I need to start looking at tending to my own dreams. After years of not being able to work, I have shown myself I actually can run a business and make something of my life. I just have this huge weight around my neck and it makes moving forward all the more difficult. I am seriously at the end of my tether today. Is this really worth the effort? I am beginning to think this site, this BPD Family, is here because WE are mentally unwell.

I will march on towards the inevitable...

That's awesome.  You are acting instead of reacting.  That's a lot of growth.  It's huge.  Take some time to yourself to recharge.  Keep us posted on how you're doing.

RC

I’ll Echo RC !

Yup, this is a big sign of your abilities newfound and polished here... like the pilots knee board emergency procedures... after a while it becomes reflexive... and automatic.

Now for the next part, and it sounds like your also starting to learn this part to the muscle memory system as well...

You know that you can’t change her, only she can do that... her behaviors are of a serial nature... repetitive... this is her go to, this is how she self soothe believe it or not... after long while, I have come to the conclusion of the same as you are now... I was, for a very long time, Mrs. Red5’s emotional teething ring... ouch !

Only until I decided to not be that for her any longer...

Unlike this ten week old German Shepherd puppy I’ve adopted... Mrs. Red5 is not likely to ever grow out of her constant need to knaw on me, or else the closest person to her...

I read a short story a while back about a person on a hanging bridge... who met another person with a rope... and the other person says... here, hold this rope... so the alter person obliged... and the second person... after they had given an end of the rope to the alter... took the remainder of the rope... tied it off around their waist... and then lept off the bridge and fell down into the ravine below... only being saved as the the alter was still holding onto the other end of that rope they had obliged to take...

Now... here is that alter person,  now desperately hanging onto a rope that they have agreed to hold onto... and at the other end... is the other person... hanging on to the other end of the rope... still dangling hundreds of feet above the sharp and deadly rocks below... and all the while... this dangling person is is now screaming at the alter still up on the bridge... don’t let go!, I hate you!, dont let go of that rope or I’ll die when I fall...I hate you!

So, as the alter there on the bridge... desperately holds that rope... growing more and more exhausted... and perplexed as to WHY and HOW they have come to be in this  predicament... the sun is going down, it’s starting to rain and thunder and lightning... it’s becomming dangerous to be out on that bridge...

But what to do, there is not enough rope to let out to safely lower the other down to safety... and they seem to be too tired or confused to even think about climbing back up... as they did jump off the bridge on purpose anyways...and they are still screaming like a banshee...’I HATE YOU-DONT YOU LET GO OF MY ROPE!

...whiskey tango foxtrot?

So what do you... and I do?

How long we going to stay there... by the bridge railing...our strength ebbing away slowly... desperately hanging onto that damn rope... with a crazy person dangling at the other end far below...

They seem far too heavy to haul back up and over the bridge railing...

A conundrum to be sure... and what did we think was going to happen when this person asked us and the handed us the rope end to begin with...

I’m still holding my end of that rope too 2020...

Still holding on...

Keep Posting!

Red5   

Really good Analogy Red,  I think this is why Non's need a good support network to help manage the rope, whatever that means.

I think stale corn chips are not complex, unambiguous. My SO when she is like this will start picking at food like she does the relations in her life.

Even if it is a small step you are moving forward.  My father in law had similar challenges with his first business, his SO sabotaged, told the kids he was the problem .  Ended up a few years sequestered on the couch completely withdrawn,  worked a few dead end jobs to get by. Business two he hit a rough patch, he found someone that believed in him,  told him to persevere, he also found, hey, I can run a business, and it's something he actually enjoys doing, was for him alone, he's been doing it last 10 years. It's not without its ups and downs, and none of his kids want anything to do with it, but gives him inner sense of self worth that was lost with the first go round.

I did a pilot business with my SO during recession, didn't know how long my job would last, SOs reliability was a major factor and source of resentment.  Job was a poor fit for her.  Found she needed something straight forward,  highly structured, no ambiguity. Fortunately did not quit my wages job, but was tough.

2020,

One final thought, don’t forget which end of the rope you are on. You are on the bridge, she can tell you you are on the other end, or you put her there, find people to remind you which end of the rope you are on.

I love old movie analogy's…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAdwasXRJhs

Take Lieutenant Brubaker (USNR), from the old movie (clip), "The Bridges At Toko Ri", circa 1953… starring William Holden and Grace Kelly... and many other note worthy's...

Brubaker is the Air Group Commander's (CAG) wingman, and they are returning from a reconnaissance mission… they return to their ship, far out to sea, low on fuel, and the weather is getting bad… CAG lands first, and misses the arrestor wires, and crashes into the barricade… thus the flight deck is fouled for a conventional landing now… Brubaker is "waived off" by the Landing Signal Officer (LSO)… as the flight deck crew desperately tries to clear the deck so he can land his plane… all the while he is running lower and lower on fuel… and may have to ditch his plane into the ocean…

The decision is made by the "Air Boss"… to place the crash crane called "Tilly" between CAG's crashed plane, and the rest of the aircraft spotted forward, in an attempt to bring Brubaker aboard before his engine flames out from fuel starvation… if he misses the arrestor cables, and his hook doesn't catch, he will crash into "Tilly"… its risky, and scary… but his only choice besides crashing onto the increasingly dark and stormy China Sea out of fuel  …

So the ship radios Brubaker… "Bluejay 209, do you wish to attempt deck landing, the deck is pitching badly"… Brubaker radios back… "Roger, I'll come aboard"… what guts?… what bravery?… or is it his one and only viable remaining choice… as crashing into the sea at near dark in bad weather is unthinkable…

So he lines up, and "Beer Barrel" the LSO guides him over the ships fantail, and to the waiting arrestor wires… and he manages to catch one, and lands safely… almost completely out of fuel... wow !

… this is like us, in our bpd relationships… after we become aware, and learn, and understand more and more… it is a good thing, (yes)… but we aren't going to change anything, we are not going to change our partners, no… our predicaments… (they are) "it is what it is"…

But as time passes, our experience increases, "flight hours"… we become accustomed to the never ending behaviors, and we don't seem to react as badly to them as we once did (tools)… over time, we become seasoned veterans… like Brubaker flying his Panther Jet off the aircraft carrier… in bad weather, in and out of almost constant danger…

We use what we have learned in the past, to get us through the present… and providing tools and insight to handle the future (?)… even though nothings changed, we however react differently…

Brubaker could have ejected, but those older seats were dangerous at low altitude, and airspeed… he instead chose to take his chances, with the crash crane "Tilly"… and he came aboard smartly with "Beer Barrels" help from the LSO platform… he survived to fly another day…

This is what we do for each other here, on this site… we report in to the ship, low on fuel, battle damaged… beat up, hurting, with a spinning compass… desperately hanging onto that damn rope … with our borderline partner dangling at the other end… "bring me back aboard Beer Barrel"… "the deck is pitching badly, I'm almost out of gas, and I don't want to crash into the sea again"… "NO wave off!"

Hang in there 2020!

~ Red5

Thank you all for the replies! I am in the trenches today and have not had time alone to respond. I appreciate the time you have spent relating to this dire situation! I will respond fully ASAP... Hope you are all well. :)

We'll be here when you're ready.

RC

*mod*

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339572.msg13076121#msg13076121

Thank you.