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 :help:  As some of you know, I am the target of an emotional black mail cam paign from my uBPD H.

We have been married for more than 20 years, and he is emotionally enmeshed/covertly incested with his children from his former marriage to a uNPD XW.  It is very unhealthy as his adult children themselves emotionally blackmail H.

The last two days have been nothing short of H*ll for me.  For a short while (H was on medication), H was doing well, but he started really dysregulating over the last few days.

He said he felt like there was nothing more between us. (This may be true.  H's emotional abuse of me over time took its toll) and felt like I did not love him any more.  He is upset at my depression (over a number of things, including his BPD.)  He says we are no longer working toward common goals.  (This also may be true, as I have nothing to look forward to in a life with a hostile and angry uBPD H.)

I first noticed just how violent H's dysregulations were starting about 10 years ago when we were on vacation.  Something triggered H, and he got in my face and hollered at me inches from my face.  He was in full rage.  I had never experienced rage like that except from a uBPD parent as a child when I was hollered at, slapped and sent to my bedroom to contemplate my "misdeeds."  I knew something dreadful was wrong with H, and I wondered why I was so miserable being in such a lovely place among the lakes and the trees.   I did not know what BPD was.

Over the weekend, H has become more and more coercive and hostile.  He is now making blackmeal threats to divorce me if I don't comply, namely getting over my depression and managing my business affairs so he can retire.  He is sleeping on the couch now and says he won't come back into our bed for an indefinite period of time, presumably when he sees enough progress in me to do so.  He made a big show of putting locks on the door of his den, which I always had access to (if only to use the pencil sharpener and grab a paper clip.)  Exasperated, I slammed my hand onto his desk, frustrated and begging him to talk things over.  He grabbed my wrist, put his face close to mine and screamed, "Don't you every do that to me again!"  I pulled my hand away.  He had never before made physical his anger at me.  He had screamed in my face number times, so close I felt the spittle of his rage.  No physical contact until today. 

I have not felt like crying since our national park vacation over 10 years ago when H raged at me, but I do now.  I feel so utterly hopeless and would almost welcome a divorce as the pain will be over and H will no longer be in my life.  It would be a clean break.   I tell myself I have to be strong.  I know H is out of his mind with a mental illness and has no clue what is going on.  (He dissociated when slamming pots in the kitchen, later asking how they got dented.)  I know his sick and twisted FOO. 

We are both 60.  I don't want to be in my 80s and have him black mail me like this when I am old and infirm.  (This likely happened to his M from his uNPD F, who, even in my presence, made sarcastic comments about his own W in front of her under the pretense of joking around.  It was extremely uncomfortable to watch.  His W just smiled as though her H was doting on her.  It was creepy.)

I need to retake the MOSAIC inventory and rethink my R/S.   

Hi dear friend...
Are you still awake? 

Gems

It may be wise to consult a lawyer to protect your rights should he go through with his plan. He could do something like transfer money out of a bank account. I think it's important to protect yourself- whether or not you want a divorce- from his angry actions.

Do you see a counselor for depression?

Of course, threats aren't the way to "get over" depression and his idea isn't going to work. I hope you have help for yourself though, so you feel better for you.

You are not responsible for his retirement. He needs to be able to manage his own finances to do that.

AW, you've been able to tolerate your relationship for a while, but now it seems like things are getting amped up. You've mentioned that you've researched your rights should he initiate a divorce, and now the threats to do that are sounding more credible.

What is your next step at this point?

And I'm very sorry that he doesn't seem to understand how depressed you've been.    

Cat

Thank you.  I am making a consulting appointment with a family attorney this week to see my rights and where I stand.  His impending retirement is driving him nuts five years from now) because he fears the poverty his parents lived in thanks to his uNPD F reckless spending during his working life.

I am strategising how to deal with this emotional black mail.

H is spending half of a week on a fishing trip with some of his old military friends. These men shared both combat and brothel experiences during their time in the military.  I dread H's upcoming birth day.  Last year, one of these men sent him a box of what can only be called "stag party" sexually-related items that embarrassed me to look at:  refrigerator magnets in the shape of sex toys and genitalia, beer mugs in the shape of women's breasts, etc.  This was clearly inappropriate for his friend to send, considering H is a married man; the friend, in his 60s, never married and lived with his elderly mother until her death, so the man clearly thinks there is nothing wrong with this bachelor party mentality.  To his credit, H did not display them after I made my objections.  

I have made contact with a family law attorney in my state and am scheduling a consultation so I know my rights.  I am also rereading, "Splitting," by Bill Eddy.  

This will be a much needed break for both of you.

Glad you are seeing a lawyer.

If he is given some "interesting" birthday presents, he can keep them in his locked office.