BPDFamily.com

Quick Background. I've been in a relationship with a BPD for two years. In this two years there have been highs and lows and she has distanced herself and or broken up with me a few times in this time frame. They were never over any issues or deals that would break up a normal otherwise loving relationship.Something seems to happen every few months that triggers her and she ends up splitting me not remembering anything good. After she cools down for a few weeks to a month she works her way back into my life only to repeat. I've worked on myself and my self esteem and love her dearly when she is herself. Being kind and passive doesn't work. I'm ready to be more assertive about my stance and my limits but trying to acknowledge her feelings and set my limit. I had a long day at work and I didn't respond right away in the way she would like. Now I'm being split again and she's been very distant the last several days:


I understand that I made you feel unimportant on Thursday and that you feel I wasn’t there in the days before. I appreciate your concern for me, my comments about “returning to myself” are purely around me getting of the medicine and its side effects it’s had on me. It’s something I shared with you in advance as a significant other talking through something that had an effect on me. You have a lot going on and I’m not liking this familiar feeling of distance. We have been here before and I don’t fully understand why. So I’m going to give you a couple of days space for both of our good. I’d love to hear about the new job and I’m here if you need me but that is all up to. I have my limits too. I love you and will be thinking of you.

Hello

There's a hint of passive aggression there if I'm being honest.

You can achieve everything you say in your message without her needing to read about it. What reaction are you hoping to get from her getting this message?

Also, you mention medication side effects. in what way is that affecting your relationship?

Thank You for your response and I agree.I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive but some help sites said that setting firm boundaries helped when trying to communicate and I may have been misguided in the attempt above. It was not sent and we are currently in a holding pattern so I've been gliding until I get a chance to express how I'm feeling. I do not want it to spiral out of control.

The side effects have not effected the relationship at all. There had been days when I was extra tired or dizzy getting off the meds but they did not effect my presence in our relationship. We had talked about it in advance to so she would know what I was going through. The domino that set this rift was that last Thursday I was tired because I got woken up by work at 3AM( She also was aware of this). Later in the evening I was falling asleep in front of the TV and I wasn't as responsive to her texts or able to pickup on things as normal(even when I was getting off the meds). She seemed okay that night and then all of the sudden on Friday she expressed that I wasn't present Yesterday, the day before that or the day before that. That is not true outside of Thursday and I have a message from her on Wednesday on how thankful she was for me and my part in helping lighten her mind with stress she was dealing with financially and with work.

I tried to explain this to her and then she mentioned me saying that I haven't felt myself for "months" it was a two week cleanse and now I am experiencing the familiar feeling of being split. I'm here because I love her and I want to make it work. When she splits this is extremely difficult. This has happened on several occasions where she cant see any of the good in me and our relationship until I am gone. Then one to three weeks later she remembers all of the good again and works her way back into my life. I'm not perfect but I'm well aware of the issues here and am very loving and attentive to her.   

With that said after more help from BPD resources I was thinking something more like this.

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I care about you and how you are feeling. I can see that you are upset and understand how frustrating it must be for you. I took a step back and did some searching and I better understand. I need and want to be more aware of your feelings about things even when I sometimes do not agree with some of the points that get brought up in the moment. I now see that difference.

I appreciate and understand your concern about how often I was saying that I didn’t feel like myself over the last couple of weeks. However, my comments about that were around the physical side effects of me getting off the Zoloft and not my state of mind. We talked about it ahead of time and while I was going though it because I wanted you to understand me and what I was going through.

I have been present, interested, engaged and a big supporter in my excitement for you and your new endeavors in school, work and everything else. I’m not perfect, but I do care….a lot and try my best. I look back on our texts, phone logs, etc and I see is love, happiness and presence. Remember the times this has happened before and how bad it felt later? I Love You and I don’t want that to happen again.