BPDFamily.com

Hello- new here!

To me, family is everything. So when my partner and I moved out of state for work, and his mom, who was in poor health, needed more assistance, our decision was a no-brainer. She had already been through so much, and we didn't want her to be alone if she was in her final days, so we offered her the opportunity to come with us.

And she did. She left her small town Florida home of 57 years and came with us to NY. We knew it would be an adjustment for her. NYC is nothing like where she came from, but we were not prepared for how truly difficult things would become.

At first, we did not know what was happening. There was constant chaos, and we were never really sure how each day was going to play out. Everything was contingent on her mood at any given moment. After 6-8 months, things started to level off. But then, things would get worse again. And we would go through this cycle over and over again. Every day was a new adventure and many ended in tears. We tried to be supportive and loving, but her anxiety grew. She wouldn't leave the house and became dependent on us for everything in spite of her health improving. Fast forward 3 years later, and it feels like we have been on an insane emotional roller coaster ride.

My partner and I married a few months ago and around that time her mood and anxiety levels changed even more than usual- It was like rapid fire from moment to moment. She cried all the time. And yelled. And was convinced we were going to "ship her away." When she was good, my partner and I were still anxious. And when she was bad, the household would fall apart. We're suffocating always.

We eventually realized things had gotten out of control. They had been the whole time, so i think we were finally just exhausted by it. We spoke to a therapist and it was suggested that perhaps my mother in law had Borderline Personalilty Disorder. Being me, I began research immediately. The therapist suggested Stop Walking On Eggshells. I'm halfway through that and I've read everything I could find online. Honestly we always knew there were some issues that needed to be addressed long before we moved to NY, but my partner and I kept thinking part of the chaos was due to normal mother-in-law/daughter-in-law issues. Besides, she refused to ever see anyone. The more I read however, it is like someone had written a book and countless articles on our exact experience. It is like someone is recounting stories of our day to day interactions.

We now lay somewhere between feeling immense relief and also a new sense of anxiety and sadness. There is a reason for the chaos, but with this information comes a new set of anxieties. Boundaries need to be placed and new rules need to be reinforced. Space needs to be carved out for just my husband and I otherwise we will lose ourselves in the process. She doesn't know any of this is coming, we don't know how she will respond, nor do we know where to begin. But this is where we are at and it has been a relief to know we are not alone.

Hi Spindle0516,

*welcome*

Moving from FL to NYC must have been a huge change, even if she was in an urban environment in FL. I moved my mom from the mountains of California where she had lived on 5 acres in the forest to the Silicon Valley.  While we are like strip malls compared to NYC, the change for my mother was abrupt and hard for her to fathom. 

What kinds of boundaries are you and your husband thinking of trying? We have communication tools here, some of which are from that book, which can help.  The most basic is SET:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

The discussion on SET is linked at the bottom. Tell is what you think? I look forward to hearing more. 

T

Thanks for the feedback. I will be sure to read through the information on the link you sent. My husband and I need to have more conversations about what specific boundaries we need to set- in a perfect world, we would like for her to move out and get an apartment herself. We know she is more physically capable than she even believes herself to be, so we will probably start with not doing things for her that can she physically do herself. It just gets tricky- how do you draw a line between just helping each other out as a family vs pushing someone to be more independent. How do my husband and I navigate doing things for each other, but then not do the same thing for her? On some level, it just feels mean. We will be seeing a therapist again next week and we plan on talking to them about this very issue. We need her to see that my husband and I are a separate entity, that the two of us are married and that I did not marry the two of them. We have spoken to her many times about developinging a life of her own. We have tried to get her to see that her social life can go beyond the two of us. Intellectually, on some level, I think she understands this, but when we try to push for this, it turns into a huge fiasco and she just cries and says she doesn't understand where we want her to go- she sees it as us kicking her out. We need our space, and we will never abandon her, but eventually we may have to force her to move out and for her, this would be the most hurtful thing and would be seen as the ultimate betrayal.

Welcome Spindle! I hope you find the support you'll surely need.

I'm fairly new to this group and I'm also working through issues with a uPBD MIL. Two major differences: (1) our marriage therapist has opted not to mention BPD to my husband yet, as he's extremely and desperately defensive of her. He isn't ready to see anything wrong with her behavior. I'm trying to trust the T's professional judgment and I don't mention it either, so I'm still alone with my research and processing (which is why I come here). (2) I got a bad feeling about her almost from the beginning. She wanted more than anything to buy a house with us when we got married. I dodged that bullet when she realized any MIL suite would be subpar compared to her current house. Now I'm navigating the constant low-level pressure of her moving in eventually. I've very clearly said no, but I get threats of "you do understand that means I'll spend every holiday with her, and I won't get to spend time with you because I'll be taking care of her remotely."

All that to say, it sounds like you and your husband are on the same page.  Bravo. There is strength in that! Don't underestimate what you can accomplish together when you begin to prioritize your relationship!  


Yes to all of this. It has helped me to research (as you are), prepare for the extinction outbursts, attempts to guilt me and my husband, anticipate his by proxy manipulation of me, extreme moods from desperate to angry, and expectations that I will rescue her or my husband from her.

If we can ever have the conversation, when he's ready to see what's happening, I'm going to encourage my husband to research senior care options. Right now, he believes that he alone is the only option for her care. I also want to set positive goals to remind ourselves what we're working towards (ie, protecting our marriage, learning better ways of relating, changing generational patterns, making sure our kids learn healthy ways of responding to BPD defenses). That way, when things get negative, we have a positive reminder of what we're working towards.

We're here to listen to updates and thoughts anytime, Spindle. Keep up the good work.

pj