BPDFamily.com

Hi guys,

I just talked to my ex uBPD - and she's coming tomorrow to get the last of her things. When I spoke to her on the phone she told me about how wonderful her life is and how great everything was - while I was hurting the whole time. She seemed completely moved on so fast! She wants to be my friend and seems to always keep very close relationships with her ex's. She had little to no regard for my pain (which was probably a blessing.)

Is any of this typical? That she would move on so painlessly?

Please let me know your experience. I am in a lot of pain feeling the finality of it.

-FarewellTransmission

I am wondering why there are no responses to my post.

Is it because my experience is so typical and uninteresting?

Or is it because it doesn’t resonate with you all and it doesn’t seem like BPD behavior?

Best,
FT

Yes, it is typical.  It is likely that she was grooming someone to move on with before your breakup.  Having close relationships with ex's allows her to have a steady source of recyclable mates.  Best not to get caught in that if you can avoid it.  Also, it's impossible to tell how much or how little pain she's experienced moving on as pwBPD process that in a very different way than people without BPD.

Regarding a lack of responses, you've had one now in less than 24 hours since you posted.  That's timely, in my opinion.  Most people don't live on the forum.

Thank you for the affirmation that it seems like BPD behavior. Sometimes I think I am the one who is crazy - so it helps to hear someone else relate.

Lot's of people develop crushes on her and some she keeps really close. I imagine that she had been grooming people are entire relationship. There is at least 1 that I know of.

She just postponed getting the last of her things because she's too tired. She keeps acting really friendly like everything is perfect and wonderful - and sharing things even though I don't reciprocate.

On our first breakup she sent out a mass email about me telling everyone in our community that comes to our events that she needed rescuing and what a bad guy I was. I am trying to find a line between being clear and stern and having boundaries yet not pissing her off again so she starts trying to turn people against me.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be huge for me.

Thank you.

Hi FT

Any idea on how you feel about her wish to remain as friends? I know this is something she would like- but what do you want?

How do you see yourself having a relationship in future with her? I say relationship in the broadest sense; including what you have already described "friend", or "close ex", as much as having very limited contact, up. Beyond this, a complete detachment of any contact and out of your life. Something else?

Each end goal will require different navigation.

its a common part of lots of stories here. it happened at the end of my relationship.

one of the things that i realized later in my recovery is that my ex and i were on very different pages toward the end of our relationship, and this can certainly be even more true for someone with bpd traits. it wasnt at all obvious at the time, but the signs were there. what felt like a very sudden detachment from me actually happened in stages, over time, and she moved back and forth...she had doubts. but at a certain point, the safer, easier thing to do was to go all in on a new, budding relationship.

women especially, tend to grieve relationships in stages. so its likely that part of what you are seeing is a person who had on some level grieved the end of the relationship already.

the person doing the breaking up is prepared for it. the person broken up with feels blindsided. it hurts. but being on very different pages, she wont be in any position to acknowledge your pain or help you through this.


are you thinking she will do this again, or is she already?

Hey FT, Yes, it's typical.  I doubt her life is as wonderful and great as she relates, because she is still suffering from BPD.  Those w/BPD have a fear of abandonment, which may be why she moved on so quickly, while keeping you on the back burner, just in case.  Suggest you be grateful to be out of an unhealthy r/s.  It's painful, I agree, yet leads to greater happiness. 

LuckyJim

Read the thread on gaslighting or any of the many related threads here - you'll find that "crazy-making behavior" is a trademark of BPD.  Many of us have questioned our own realities when fresh out of our relationships.

Navigating the situation starts with navigating your own emotions and needs.  You have to figure out first what you want and what you're willing to tolerate going forward.  Personally, I had to go completely no contact and remove myself entirely.  There was no other option.  We weren't married and didn't have children so that made it logistically and legally a lot easier.