BPDFamily.com

Hi all, I haven't posted here in a while. I've had nc with my ex-pwbpd girlfriend a little bit after the breakup.  We were together for 6 years. Since then I've been with someone new and wonderful for nearly 3 years now.  I've managed to get a masters in psychology and currently doing a masters in health psychology. Not my focus, but I've had a look at bpd literature, and I find very little discussed on their victims. Anyway...

Every now and then I get incredibly angry(mostly angry) and sad when I think about the past. It happens every now and then. When it happens, I think about all the times I let the abuse happen and I think about how she tried and did manipulate me after the breakup. After the breakup, I went to my parents and was doing ok, but she knew exactly what buttons to press. She send me naked pictures of herself, posted pictures of her talking to guys on Tinder, and all various ways to get me jealous. At some point, she broke me. There's was quite a bit of manipulation going on. I even sent her money to help with the rent :p This was the most painful experience of my life and then I wanted her back. This back and forth lasted a while, but after I found out she was with someone new, whom she was dating for QUITE some time now, I started nc straight away. She's still blocked on Facebook and anywhere else you can think of. Since then, I've got in touch with my anger and I guess I have 6 years of repressed anger to take care of. In truth, I want her to suffer and be miserable. I want her to call me so I can tell her how much of a horrible person she is. I'd never call her or see her - it's a waste of my time, but I still have this anger towards her. My partner knows about her and she looked on her Facebook. Apparently, she married to someone who looks a lot like me. Eh, poor bastard.

I was curious if anyone else still gets angry for how they were mistreated and manipulated?

Wow congrats!  |iiii

I'm sorry for the horrible things that you have gone through. I just wanted to say that anger or feelings for someone is a sign that there is an attachment. I would suggest to create a goal for yourself to detach from your ex.

I am dealing with the same thing. In a few months it will be 2 years since she left and I went no contact. I recently posted that all I have left is the anger and bitterness. I also find myself wanting her to contact me so I can tell her all the things I held in for so long. But then I am reminded that it would probably cut her very deep, and I honestly don't like hurting people, so I'd probably never do it anyway because I'd still protect her feelings - to a fault like I always did during the relationship. More "walking on eggshells."

I guess I dont feel anger at all, it has been 1.5 years since no contact. Feelings of repressed anger came out of nowhere about 4 to 6 months after NC, then became gradually less in intensity and frequency.

Asides from that, I think the closest I get is if I get a trauma memory I can sometimes feel a pang of a mix of emotions, but I relate it to just momentarily re-living those past events.

I think the key factors are: she has been out of my life for so long. I do stuff each day to keep myself happy, progressing, have learned more about what happened and took it far less personally. Dont look at her facebook, so there are no triggers there if it 'appears' she is enjoying life I can sometimes interpret it the negative way that I am still trying to recover from it and she seems content. It is stuff like that I learned annoyed me, so I just dont do it.

Youve done well and achieved stuff to be proud of since you left her elfguy. So have I and that also has helped dampen down bitterness. I know for certain I would not have the lifestyle I moved on to if I had stayed with her.

Anger can also be a symptom of depression from what I have heard. Perhaps as I managed the blues, it will have had positive benefit here too. I just wrote the relationship off - cashed in the experience cheque and resolved to learn a lesson and commit to never going back for a recycle. Trying to see the benefits also helped, it is harder to feel anger for her when I associate the experience as something I leveraged to propel me to try new things in life I was not able to do or lacked the motivation to do whilst in the r/s.

Hope any of this might help.

Thanks, but I'm not sure if there's still an attachment, at least in the sense I might think you mean it. If, for instance, someone is suffering from PTSD, does that mean they're attached to a person? I'm not sure. Obviously, something needs to be resolved, but saying it's as simple as setting goals may not be appropriate.

Well done on the NC. I too only have anger and bitterness towards her. However, if she called I'd probably speak my mind. I'm tired of being the nice guy all the time and I enjoy being a bit of an ass now and then. Thanks for sharing :)

yes thanks. Indeed, I think it's reliving the experiences. I remember when we broke up, I saw everything in rose tinted glasses. After some therapy, I saw how much she hurt me. I was repressing all my emotions for so long, I had no idea wtf was going on. Of course, life is much, much better now and I'm glad it's good for you too. Though, to deny this anger or try look at the good side would be, to me, another form of repression. The whole reason I got into this mess was because I ignored my intuition and tried to focus on someone else. Eventually this anger will go, in time. Though it's nice to hear others too experience this. Thanks, it helped :)

My, how this all hits home with me. In hindsight, I have realized how manipulative and controlling she was, and how she intentionally hurt me at times. I think the worst part for me was that she lived with me, and at the slightest thing she would threaten to leave and actually start "packing." I'd talk her down and it usually worked. What that did, though, was instill a certain level of fear and distrust in me where I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The first time she left was abrupt and I didn't try to stop her. She had one of her freakouts where she was out of control. I even asked if I could help her with anything. She left and then sent me an email apologizing that things didn't work out and how it would take us a long time to get over the breakup, etc. I just responded that it wasn't what I chose and that I hoped she'd find happiness. That was somewhere shy of the 1 year mark.

One day after that she called me sobbing, apologizing and not wanting it to end. I told her certain things needed to happen if we were ever to get back together. I asked her where she was and she told me she was at her female friend's house where she used to rent a room. I told her she needed to find her own place and we had to work on things before she could come back, which is what she wanted. About 4 months later she basically moved herself back in without even talking to me about it, though she would stay with me half the week so it wasn't totally unusual. I did tell her that there would be no 3rd chance.

She was good for a while, but she started doing the "packing things up" routine again, and I told her if she left it was over with, which would really set her off in an emotional downward spiral. I had my suspicions about where she had gone that first time she left, so during one of her tantrums I mentioned that. She blurted out that she had lied to me and she had actually gone and stayed with her ex-boyfriend. It was then that I knew it was over, that I could never trust her again. She swore up and down that she never slept with him, that she only stayed there because she had nowhere to go.

I think it was all BS. I think she knew she was going there before she had her freakout, and that the freakout was intentional so that she could leave. I believe that once she went there, she realized that she didn't want to be with him and that I was of much higher value to her which is why she called me sobbing and in a panic. She knew she made a mistake. I don't want to talk myself up, but I don't honestly believe she can ever do better than me. I am realizing more and more each day how much value I actually have. I had lost myself in the relationship, and started to feel like I was the problem and there was something wrong with me.

Thanks for the reply and talking about your ex made me upset. We all have worth, especially their victims. They specifically target good people, so they're less likely to get hurt. They also grind us out and spit us out, because there is so some much manipulation, by the end, that we can't tell what's real anymore. I truly believe, at some point, they want to hurt us. When I was with her, she told me about her horrible ex, and how she made him cry numerous times at the end. They broke up and then she got back together with him, only to dump him again and make him cry. She did the same to me. It started on the 5.5+- year mark and she was insisting to get married and have kids, as usual. I managed to grow a pair and said, "I may never want to marry." I usually said the relationship was unhealthy, and if we ever wanted to get married, but let's see what happens, we'd need to be a good place financially, emotionally and settled. What I said set her off inside and she cried. Then. for her, I became the devil incarnate and she started to change. After coming back from seeing my sick father, which she didn't care about, I asked her why she was acting so different. She started criticising me continuously and being apathetic. I asked her if she would like to break up. She said yes, so I started packing. I knew deep down I couldn't leave any of my stuff with her, especially from other experiences I witnessed, so I moved everything to a storage unit. On some level, I was so happy to finally move on, but it was weird. For some reason I couldn't leave, because I was afraid I'd hurt her.

When I left, I left a house with her 6 cats(2 kittens that were just born), 1 dog(all her pets), her best friend stayed there and her mother. How it got to that was another story, lol, of me supporting her through family drama hell. Anyway, I was doing ok at my parents place. As I said at the top, she continuously pushed buttons until I felt I needed her again. Sending nude pictures, showing screenshots of talking to other guys, asking for stuff, saying she's going out to parties, asking for help and playing the victim. As I felt I needed her, she became more distant. She was using the same tactic that she used to hurt her ex. Then, she blocked me. It was like a wound I had never experienced, whatever happened. I was crying for days, couldn't eat, sleep and was walking in circles. I had to see a therapist. She finally unblocked me and started talking. The first few conversions was about how she wanted help with rent(in a sort of indirect way), asking for what gift she would receive for her birthday, and talking about odd things. She was enjoying herself and I felt to stop this pain I'd need to be with her again. At some point, after breaking me continuously, seeing me grovel and just having a good ol' time. She knew she couldn't keep the charade going, so she told me she was seeing another guy. It had been going on for a while, and I think since I became the truly bad guy in her eyes. I think she met him when I bought her acting lessons, because it was another bloody career choice she cherished. Though, I'm sure she was cheating on me for quite some time, if I think of numerous examples. Anyway... From then on, tons of therapy and I had to understand wtf emotions were and why I was important too. I also found my parents weren't so good with emotions either. It took some time. After the NC for, about, 2-3 months, I wrote an email to her(I blocked her from everything else). I was still confused why she did this and why, after all the promises, it turned out like this. My email to her was generally neutral and asking for clarification. Her reply was harsh, cold, callous, blaming and spiteful. My last reply to her was the nice guy, again, and even somewhat grovelling. It was a goodbye email in in the most pathetic, grovelling and nice guy way. I recently had a read of it and it sickened me. How could I by so nice to someone like that? Well, she knew exactly what buttons to press, but I still had a lot of emotional growth to do and still do. So, I'm glad you got to stand up for yourself in the end.

She is an evil conniving bitch. I feel sorry for anyone who gets in her path of destruction, but I don't feel sorry for her. It took a bit of practice but I stay FAR away from anyone like her. If I get the slightest hint someone is like her, I stay far, far away. I've met a few and it's like they're drawn to good people. I have nothing but contempt for her. After all I did for her, she wanted to hurt me. I understand that pwBPD are in a storm themselves. They don't truly understand what's going on with them and have built a defence mechanism around themselves to protect themselves. However, I still have my own F'ing feelings. I say, F them. Their victims are far more important. It's true pwBPD can be helped with therapy, but I don't see that happening if their victims are enabling them(not purposely, of course). Now I try to live in the moment, whether I'm an asshole or a nice guy. This moment i'm pissed off.

Thanks for telling me and sorry for the rant.

how frequently do you get angry about her/the relationship elfyguy? you say every now and again but to your best recollection how often is that?

Hey, maybe average 2-5 times a month. Sometimes several months go by and I don't think about what I went through and get angry. Sometimes, it's a few times a week. It's mostly dependant on something that reminded me of her. So, for instance, I found something in storage that belonged to her the other day. I thought it was my girlfriend's possession, so I showed her. She denied and made fun of the situation. I did too, but it still brought up bad memories and consequent anger with those memories.

and how long are you angry for during one of these moments?

About 5 - 35 minutes. It really depends how much focus I put on it. I've learned to focus on my emotions and learn from them. So, sometimes I stay with it and sometimes let it pass. Right now, I feel like being angry.

What do you mean when you say that you either choose to stay with an emotion or let it pass? in my experience i either feel an emotion or i don't. it is not a choice in the moment. i can only control how i behave amidst those feelings. so it is confusing to me to hear someone say that they feel like being angry. what does feeling like feeling angry feel like? describe the feeling in which you feel like having a feeling.

in a way it does really depend on what we choose to focus on. why focus on things like being angry when we know that in some sense we have a choice in the matter?

it's something to think about.

I'll rephrase. I feel like experiencing my emotions. Sometimes, when I feel sad, I FEEL like I want to stay with it and focus on that feeling. Sometimes, when i'm upset, I query myself why and don't try shrug it off. I'm, NATURALLY, good at staying with good feelings. You know, since I could live 6 years with someone so messed up and only focus on the good feelings. I don't need any help with that. I'm actually a very sensitive person and I experience powerful emotions. In general, I was very bad with emotions and took the tough guy approach from social and relationship upbringing. Since staying 6 years with my ex, I was in metaphorical emotional prison. My life was solely bent for her happiness and this helped distract any negative emotions. For me to choose and stay with someone like that I needed to be, in some way, emotionally damaged in the first place.

So, when I choose to be angry, or focus on any other negative or potentially negative emotion, i'm attempting not to distract myself from it. I do not mean that I am literally choosing to be angry. I am choosing to experience it as much as I can. Even though it's unpleasant, it does not mean it's bad. It's part of the human experience. I can, quite easily, distract myself from these emotions. There are a ton of ways, especially in this technological era. Though, in my opinion, that would be a disservice to myself.

why choose to focus on negative emotions when you say you have the option to distract yourself from them? non self-destructive distractions are one of the best ways to diminish these feelings over time. how would it be a disservice to yourself to learn to focus on what's really going to make you happy in the long run?

you are on the detaching board. do you want to detach?

The whole point of focusing on negative emotions and why they happen is to come to peace with them, for me anyway. To me, emotions and memories do not just go away. I agree that one should not dwell on them, but it would be worse to ignore them. When I'm happy, I feel happy. When I'm sad, I feel sad. You seem to think that if one experiences anger or sadness, then it's self destructive and if you do other stuff then it's non-self destructive. I could argue that dwelling on any obsession is unhealthy or some kind of irrational thinking loop. When there is a loss, sadness comes. When someone is wronged, anger manifests. I think these are natural responses. It's a disservice to myself, because these emotions are a part of me. Understandably, it would be unwise to let strong emotions guide actions, but I cannot ignore them or repress them. Sadness passes. Anger passes. Even happiness passes. I've repressed my emotions far too long.

My goal is not to detach, as if that's a thing. My goal is to become apathetic and/or accepting of the situation. Obviously, something is bothering me. Perhaps because it was such an abusive relationship. So, in some way I'm still reliving the experiences, because I shoved the bad experiences down my throat. To repress these feelings, again, would not resolve them. They would, in my opinion, just make them lie dormant.

Why is anger such a taboo for you?

Like you, I wondered how in the hell I let myself get into this situation. I never groveled or anything, but I do remember starting to blame myself and taking all the responsibility for the demise of the relationship. Looking further into my past, I have realized that my own mother had some shocking BPD symptoms, as well as one of my sisters. And another sister is a full-blown narcissist. She is wicked. These women emotionally abused me the entire time I was growing up, and I think that I became programmed to accept that sort of behavior, and it's NOT ok. My past gf before the BPD ex did not have any sort of disorder. She was a gem. This past one is the first time I've ever had the misfortune of dating one. Never again.

My parents don't have BPD, but they have a strange relationship dynamic that I only started to realise during therapy. It was this dynamic that helped me think the relationship with my ex was somewhat acceptable. They are lovely and kind parents.Though, It's interesting to see how things get from A to B. I think pwBPD consciously, or not, prod to see how far they can go.  Nothing is ever their fault.

You're right - it's not ok.

elfyguy   :hi:

Congratulations on getting that Master's. Well done to you and your partner on the relationship. This is fantastic news.


Re the anger, I can relate. I've been out 4+ years now. Variously in the last few years, I felt a similar way you do, angry—but for me it felt a bit disconcerting. It felt odd to be angry. Core shame?—not really it wasn't really shameful for me to feel angry. For me, I did some research, and this quote, gave me some reason why I felt the feeling of being unsettled with my anger.

'Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.'

My thinking went—a bit like Yoda's advice to Luke—anger leads to hate, hate leads to engagement, engagement leads to relationship, then before you know it, you're in relationship with a BP.

Re anger, another key quote was (paraphrased) "we're angry with whom we're most intimate with". That scared me. It implies we're intimate with the most horrific of people. So moving forward...

I appreciate what you mean by wanting to feel angry. I think it's a very powerful emotion, and it's a very empowering emotion—in this way, the chemicals in the body somehow feel good. I think that's consistent with what we know about anger today.

Shortcut all the theory—what helped me was to investigate my anger and sit with it for a while. Very much in the way you've done with valet here.

We know that all emotions have some role to play. Anger is supposed to protect us. Fight or flight—those 'reactions' are supposed to help us win: e.g., fight→ self-protect with violence→ win (hopefully)→ survive; flight is self-explanatory. So I found that my anger seemed to be protecting me from women like my ex. I was at least partially angry because I had an incentive to protect myself from getting into that relationship again. So it felt that anger to me, was a 'protective amulet' that people sometimes use worry for. I.e., if I worry → it won't happen. If I feel angry → I won't date someone like that.

---

So then how to get out of that situation? It felt to me like the fading of my anger, decreased the emotional protection I had against my ex, and others like her. So can I keep my feelings of protection up without the anger? Can I improve on acceptance and self-regulation, to not even be in a position to have anger come up?

So I had to find lasting ways to know I'd never date someone like that but without the anger in order to keep the self-assurance in my mind that I will never go there again. I found ways to not have to internalise the possibility that I'll date someone like that. Keep it outside the mind and heart, if you would. E.g.'s:

* praying a lot. Why—I can pray any time, and my faith helps me.

* do self-care with the focus on building self-esteem. Why—because emotionally vulnerable and low-esteem people share magnetic relationships with unhealthy others. ↑ self esteem = ↓ pd-people in my life? I'm sold.

* collect things to help me instantly know I'd never date someone like that again. I still do this kind of thing in year ~#4+ out from my relationship. This year, I saved this page (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337295.msg13059193#msg13059193) from this site onto my desktop. The title is "telling an uBPD x they have BPD - great story to why never go back". OutOfEgypt's response is why I saved that page. Of course, I have pages of notes titled psycho b*tch around my devices and files so I'm never short.


Hopefully this sharing helps you find your apathy, resolution, acceptance of what happened. While distraction as a tool has merits and is professionally used—I think this other way you can approach your anger lets you get your cake and eat it. I.e., you get to experience your anger, and go forward and past it to a better place. It gets easier. I tell you this from the immediate evidence that while I had a 50+ page essay related to self protection in year ~#1, I only felt compelled to save 1 pdf this year rofl.

Enjoy your weekend.

I amend this. The above should read:

 ↑ emotional maturity = ↓ pd-people in my life? I'm sold.

Reason is that emotional maturity often goes in-hand with self-esteem, but they aren't the same thing. You can of course have a high self-esteem person, simply because he happens to esteem his self very highly, but also be in truth self-fragmented or emotionally immature. A most popular case on the board is NPD (high self-esteem, low emotional maturity) attracting a BPD (the pd). I'm still sold because I assumed self-care can go in-step with emotional maturation, and self-care toward those ends is enjoyable.   |iiii

Very kind of you, thanks. You have some good advice, though, I think anger is important. If you don't mind, I'd also like to copy a few quotes :)
If Aristotelian virtues are a real thing. Then the virtue of thing is always somewhere in-between. For instance, someone who is brave is fearful on some level and knows fear. You cannot be brave without fear. Similarly, I think a normal response to certain stimuli will illicit some anger. The virtue is, how much? We've seen in tons of youtube videos people overreacting, but, in my opinion, the victims of pwBPD don't express their anger enough. I think they push it down because, for one, they're always trying to placate the pwBPD. This reminds me of a quote from Aristotle, " Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not within everybody's power; that is not easy." I agree that excessive anger may stem or be more regular with people we're intimate with, but anger is still part of the human condition. I've always thought of anger as expectations not realised when the perceived desire could have been otherwise. Indeed, in Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's 5 stages of grief, she points out that one of stages is anger and is a normal aspect of loss , in whatever shape the loss happens. Perhaps, for me, the loss is my time and self respect for time I spent with her.

The Yoda analogy is admirable for anyone, however, I have to quote James T Kirk, from Star Trek :) "They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. [to Sybok] I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!" This is a scene from The Final Frontier where Sybok asks Kirk if he would like his (emotional) pain taken away. The breakup with my ex was the worst experience i've ever had but it was also the best experience. There was so much character building during this time that no amount of time in my past compares to it. There's a quote from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross that really struck me when I was down. Here it is, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” I find this quote true and it made me cry once. I remember, I used to be quite passive aggressive before the breakup. Now that I express my anger, I rarely resort to that. I express my anger and sometimes by saying, "I am angry, and this and this may be why" Expressing anger to people does not mean someone has to yell, shout or cuss at someone. Sometimes, you can talk through it.

Indeed, I've also found my anger subside as the years go - it becomes less important as time goes on. Like you, it's not as important as the start, but every now and then I get some sadness, anger and frustration. You must have been pretty upset to write a 50 page essay, so well done on your anger there. Tops to ya and thanks.

Hey there Elfy

I agree with you. For me anger and sadness are things I need to feel for a while. When I’m sad I want to be sad until I’m not. It usually doesn’t last long. Same goes for the anger. I need to feel those emotions when the come up in order to “burn them off” like excess fuel if you will. Hold it back or subdue it and it becomes explosive.

 Closure is very important to me. In order for me to get closure I had to tell her how I felt and express my anger. I sent her one final text after she told me she had met someone. It was not a nice text as I pulled no punches and probably hurt her feelings. It basically destroyed any chance of us ever getting back together.

Not the textbook way to communicate with a pwBPD but at that point I didn’t care. I was done meeting her needs. I needed my needs met at this point.

I assume you got no reply, right? One of my biggest regrets is not sending a final email to my BPD exgf.

Hi Crushed,

No she didn’t reply and I didn’t expect her to. It was a pretty harsh text but I needed to get a lot off  my chest. Also so I could be sure I  would never text her again and would be 99.9 percent sure she would never text me.

However,

The next day she included me on the invite via work email for a baby shower she is hosting at work for an employee. An employee that I’m friendly with but not friends enough to be invited to a baby shower. Especially in light of the text I sent her.

She just sent out an email reminder of it for tomorrow.

Hey elfyguy,
  I'm two years NC, and I'm two years into my divorce. My divorce is complicated, and I won't go into it here because I'd end up co-opting the thread.  lol
  I have residual anger, meaning that normally during the day I don't feel all that angry, but then something can happen--something can remind me of my STBX or I find out something new about the reality of my marriage, my Prenup, or something else--and then I do feel angry.
  For me, the anger helps ensure that I won't get into a relationship that is as harmful as this one has been. I think it keeps the  red-flag front and center, and I think that's helpful.
  That said, I also feel sad or happy at times regarding the marriage.
  Honestly, now that I've written all this down, I realize first that I'm in touch with all my emotions regarding the marriage and, for that matter, my life.
  I can still feel sad about my mother dying more than fifty years ago. I use all the emotions regarding the marriage or anything in my work (I'm a writer.)
  Okay, I think maybe I need more coffee. It occurs to me that this post has become quite circular.
  I think there may very well be a twinge of anger for me and possibly you for the rest of my life. A "twinge," by the way doesn't refer to the intensity of the anger rather the duration.  :hug: :hug:
TMD

I LOVE this. I used to tell my son as he was growing up and he'd be afraid of going to school or starting something new or whatever. And I'd tell him he was brave because he was feeling the fear and doing it anyway. That's bravery to me.
He'd argue, tell me no he wasn't brave. No. People who were brave didn't feel afraid.
Very gently I'd tell him he was wrong.
Thanks for this thread.  :hug:
TMD

Yes, I think so too.

Yes I think so too. I'm familiar with the idea you mentioned about appropriate anger.

Yes, there's often a lot of placating the pwBPD by the caregiver. Personally—I think there's more just trying to stay afloat sometimes rather than be angry. Anger is pretty tiring too. It's quite off-putting as well. There's the old shortcut that I'm sure quite a few of us nons here are familiar with—when we see someone doing a lot of something, e.g., physical abuse, anger tantrums, over-drinking, spousal abuse, it seems quite natural to try go the "immediate opposite" direction to whatever negative thing we're perceiving. I can see a similar thing with the anger—e.g., the BP is so violently angry, therefore I need to be excessively giving/complicit/peaceful because "I'm nothing like that".

I'm more familiar with that kind of reaction in a family system, but my experience was a bit resembling that, looking back. If the relationship was like a boat, then my ex seemed to bring a heap of aggression to the boat of the relationship, and there wasn't any more room for me to have my say. A lot of things seemed to be that way.

Of course, here on detaching/learning, there's a lot of people who have heaps of anger. And probably appropriately so if you look at it from the Aristotelian lens. I think it's a difficult one to manage because anger is often more destructive than constructive—and yes while detachment involves destruction of the togetherness connection in a way—it's important to have some bottom line for ourselves for our anger and move forward in whatever areas of grieving we're each at.

Moreover if people aren't following a grieving stage framework (many people don't)—then it's easy to get stuck in the anger/attacking area and not go on to the constructive things like introspection and creative action.

Same here. I think the more years out—the more these feelings are like passing tides. Glad to be of company.  :)

we have a quote here:



it is a thing  *)

we detach from the person, from the relationship, from the wounds. its a process of five stages.


i remember after my breakup some folks suggested i was victim. personally, it made me feel disempowered, and small. it made me feel like a sucker. and it didnt really fit...like others, my relationship was as toxic as it was wonderful. the best of times, the worst of times  *). and ultimately, something that in spite of our best efforts, ran its course.

at 3-4 years, why invest in that idea? what does it mean and represent to you? does it not increase your suffering?

Hey Coldknight. I would have liked to end it your way.  :)

Thanks for the reply. I'm glad you're doing well and are in touch with your emotions. Indeed, I find it quite useful as well.

I remember, I was at a beckon, her best friend was at her beckon, her father and her mother. Anyone who wasn't was her enemy. She was angry so much of the time. It's interesting how they need the attention of everyone around. Anger is an interesting emotion. If it leads you, it's destructive, but it's also gives a ton of energy. The first year into the breakup, I used to punch a punching bag at the gym. Now though, I just talk about it and try feel it. Glad to be of like minded company too.

*mod*

This thread has reached the posting limit and has been locked. Part 2 is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339035.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339035.0)