BPDFamily.com

Okay - so I know I have issues with setting boundaries - because I don't want her to be mad.

But she can tend to ask me to do things just because she doesn't want to.  How do I gently say no, or ask if she could do it?
A simple situation turned into huge conflict.  She needed to drive the kids somewhere, and also to take home one of their friends.  We have the next 5 hours free after that, so she definitely had time to do both.  I had been cleaning the house, doing laundry etc for a few hours and was going to eat and take a shower.  She asked if I could drive the friend home. 

It's only 15 minutes away and I guess not a big deal, but she was going out anyhow and could have just taken her.  This was once a HUGE issue, where she asked me to do things all the time, things that made me feel like her assistant.  It has gotten MUCH better - but - in a case like this, I just wanted to say, would you mind taking her?

Instead - I said okay sure, but obviously my body language or facial expression made it clear I didn't want to.  So she started hurling questions at me - I felt attacked, it was so awful until I just stepped away but the stress was very high and I was upset.

I'm reading again about SET - but how does that apply here?  What to do when she's hurling questions at me and she's getting so angry?  I don't know what the sympathy part is - is it "You must be upset that I'm saying no"?

Help me figure out how to replay this one and what I should have said to de-escalate it?

Thanks!

you dont need a technique for this.

dont say yes if you mean no.


you wont be able to deescalate everything. for a lot of people with BPD traits, "no" feels like a rejection, or at least a frustration...and people with BPD traits feel everything strongly, blow them out of proportion.

dont get blown over in the process. realize that shes just blowing off steam, and will get back to baseline eventually.

the key is what you do when she gets back to baseline.


how did things go when the two of you discussed it at that time? in what ways did it get better?

ideally, you want to revisit that conversation and build on it, in a loving and constructive way, in a time of calm.

This is something that I realized I needed to pay attention to and work on in myself.  I had the same tendency and still sometimes catch myself.

As once removed said above, "no" can be a trigger, but bear in mind that if you're saying "yes" verbally but making it clear in tone, body language, or facial expression you are annoyed by the request, that can be a trigger as well.  It can honestly feel like a game or a passive aggressiveness to even non's, so imagine that BPD sensitivity - especially when they are in a mode of *looking* for complaints - can exaggerate that.

Looking inside myself, yes... I was sending that non-verbal signal as a way to signal my annoyance.  I understand why, but being honest with myself, I realized it's not a mature way to handle things.  If I'm saying yes, I should say yes and leave it at that.  If I'm inclined to say no, I should say no.  If it's something to address, it should be addressed later with words, not non-verbal that can cause fights.

On that note, if I'm really really being honest, I think sometimes I used those non-verbals to start fights as a way to be able to voice it.

I grew up with a mom who has control issues.  I've been married to my uBPDw for 19 years.  I've realized how both of these situations have affected me, including resulting in dysfunctional mechanisms of my own in response.  When you can not address things safely in a healthy or direct way, it's a tendency to develop manipulations and unhealthy ways to counter their dysfunctions.

Something we can do is watch ourselves and work on ways we feed back into the patterns of how things play out.  We can't change them, but can change how we respond.

really good advice Witz_End


this is very true. people with bpd traits can be highly perceptive about these things.

Thanks.  It's sometimes easier to see clearer when it's not your situation.  I can become lost with my head jumbled in my own.   *)

Sorry Omega1 that I don't have any real advice to offer. I can definitely relate though! From the beginning of our relationship, my wife has constantly tried (and often times succeeded) in getting me to do things for her.

I'm fully aware now that I should've set boundaries in the very beginning. I do now, but it's hard. She's very good at being manipulative and giving me guilt trips when I don't give into her demands.

Sometimes it's big things, sometimes it's small things. I can fully relate to feeling like her assistant. There are so many things she is capable of doing on her own, but for some reason she always akss me to do them for her. Even when she can clearly see that I'm busy fulfilling my own responsibilities and obligations, she has no problem dumping hers onto my plate. I've pointed out to her numerous times that I would NEVER ask her to do 99% of the things she asks me to do for her daily. It's a lost cause. Good luck! At least you know you have support here.