BPDFamily.com

My uBPD ex and I are both members of overlapping dance and meditation communities. On our first breakup she had sent out messages to 100 members in our community about how she needs help and what a bad guy I am.

For most people, it ended up making her look bad. However, a minority who have a victim/rescuer mentality seemed buy it and pull away from me.

Now we've broken up for the final teams and it she seems to have no interest in ever dating me again, which I think is the right move. However, she keeps, in subtle ways, reaching out to me to be my friend as if nothing's wrong. And we just had our final breakup a week ago! I have told her I need some space and time away. However, she will come up to an event without me looking at her and kiss me on the cheek. I am not sure if she sees how much it hurts me. She also has had a lesbian friend (who used to be my friend) who she used as a rescuer a lot in our relationship and cuddled and was incredibly flirtatious with, expressing attraction to her numerous times. It seemed like she was grooming her our entire relationship. When we were are a dance last night, I saw her kissing her right in front of me. It was incredibly painful. Does she know she's doing this?

I also hold a weekly meditation group - and she started a women's group and scheduled it on the same night as my group. I am ok with less people showing up - but she made a point to tell me that she didn't do it on purpose and it was the only night they could have it.

She is soo charismatic - when I see her getting her hooks in people, this gross feeling comes over me and I want to stay away from those people. I feel like unless I can get over that, I will get very isolated with my community.

So my question is - is she doing all this on purpose? Is this innocent behavior in her mind? Is she trying to destroy me? I don't know. Feeling a bit helpless and obsessive at the moment.

People with BPD are often manipulative, sometimes knowingly, sometimes not.  I've often joked that if my ex knew how powerfully manipulative he can be, he could wreck even more evil or use it for good and bring world peace.

How productive are those thoughts?  Will knowing her intent change her behavior?  Not likely.  Your behavior is all that is in your control.  I can't imagine sharing a social circle with my ex.  That must be difficult.  However, some distance from it might help as well.

In any case, if you can identify your own values and needs and stand by them steadfastly, it really doesn't matter what she does.  Live your best life, and the rest will take care of itself.