BPDFamily.com

New here. Feel lost and confused. Hoping for some help and direction.

My wife of 9 years has BPD+PTSD as diagnosed by her therapist. Her behavior covers the range...radical devaluation, hypersensitivity, mood swings, impulsivity. She lies a lot, and for some reason has a tendency to steal as well. She has been caught shoplifting a couple of times, and i can't even begin to explain the impact that has on our immigration status on this country. Very stressful.

Recently, i found out she had an emotional affair. I tried my best to get some affair recovery or marriage counseling going, but she refuses to engage, fearing it's too one sided. She has no concept of the pain im in.

We're on the door of a divorce now. She's moved into a friend's place, and we're trying to figure out custody of my 3 year old in the meantime.

I wanted to ask if anybody else has stealing as an experience with a BPD. But i think i'm just looking for general advice on what to do. Should i end my marriage? How will it impact my child, assuming we do 50-50 custody?

Very lost and alone right now.

I'm so sorry.  You seem to be in a pretty difficult situation. 

BPD is characterized by impulsiveness, so it doesn't surprise me that there could be theft involved.

Before you make any decisions, you should consult a lawyer.  They can tell you what to expect if you do decide to divorce in terms of both custody and splitting the assets.  You may also need to talk to an immigration lawyer to know how her actions, and any potential divorce, might impact your status in the country. If there is a possibility that she might be deported, but you are allowed to remain - well, I'd have a whole lot of questions.

Having more information may help you to make a decision.

In the meantime, do you have a therapist?  Dealing with a spouse's emotional affair is hard.  Dealing with a dysregulated spouse with BPD can be hard.  Being the parent of a 3-year-old can be hard.  A therapist might help you deal with all of those feelings and help you feel more centered.

We're here for you.

We have experience with immigration situations.

Who is the citizen -- you?

What are you trying to achieve -- green card or citizenship?

Thank you for the support. I will talk to both the divorce and immigration lawyers. What's heartbreaking is that she was on a waitlist for DBT therapy. Would have started in a few months and i was very hopeful that this would improve her condition. But we couldn't make it that far. Does anybody else have any positive experience with DBT?

My immigration status is waiting on green card for both of us. Her GC is dependent on my application. Our priority date is close, but not current yet.

Yes absolutely, shoplifting is a sign of impulsiveness.  My exbpd would shoplift all the time and when I called her out on it she would say I don't love her.  I always found out that when she shoplift she would regret it afterwards.  Impulsiveness is a part of BPD.

Is your child staying with her?

I'll contribute a perspective here... Beware of you trying to be too nice or too fair.  How so?  You may want to treat her with every accommodation possible, she's the mother of your child after all.  You may also want to appear super nice and super fair to others, you will feel like you have to sacrifice yourself to protect her from herself.

Well, those impulses are typical for us reasonably normal people.  We may think that will have an impact on how the officials and professionals view us.  Our experience has been that such noble efforts generally fail and even backfire.  There's a truism here, The person behaving poorly seldom has consequences (or at least delayed) and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.

So, while not telling you to ignore here, your focus needs to be on yourself and your children.  Sorry, due to her sabotaging behaviors your spouse has to be lower on your list of priorities.  BPD is an overwhelming behavioral disorder, whether she will respond positively long term to therapy, much less recover from it, is quite iffy and you can't count on long term improvement or even cooperation.

While you do want her better and all the possible positives, you have to face the facts.  She may not choose to take a path toward recovery.  Thus you need to accept that "it is what it is" and deal with your "what is" and not depend upon what you wish it to be.

Thank you for the responses. I'm trying to take care of myself. Her moving out has helped me regain some clarity of mind.

We're not legally separated yet. It's unlikely we'll be able to do that until our Green Cards get approved. In the meantime, she wants 50-50 custody of the child. He'll be staying with her next week. Given that she's living with her friend right now, this makes me nervous. I'm also worried about long term consequences on my son, as i don't think she'll be able to handle him without getting triggered often. But i don't see i have much of a choice. I would rather be able to come to reasonable arrangements, instead of making things worse by going to court.

Hi sadmanwithkid, welcome!


Anything in particular about the friend that makes you nervous?


Do you think she'll get a few days into her week, and then call you to pick up your kid?

If she does, I'd highly recommend that you get your kid, and then document what happened.

Just that she lies pathologically so i'm not even sure who she's with. She was in an emotional affair, and that could still be ongoing for all i know. It's the ambiguity that makes me nervous. She's probably out of town with this guy.

Maybe i'm overreacting. Right now she's looking for a place and has asked me to look after the kid for another week. Which is fine by me, except that my son misses her and was hoping to see her soon.

I will create a document of behavior if you think that will help going forward.

You don't have to agree to whatever she demands.  You can defend your position with history, facts and documentation, right?

If you're trying to avoid court for now, I can share with you the professionals' position.  For example, if she fails to return your children then the police will likely try to pressure you both to allow exchanges.  However, without a court order they probably won't actually enforce anything.  Their stance is "Resolve the immediate incident and then tell the parents to fix it in court."  They may default to mother, pleading to you to give in.  But the fact is that you two as parents have "equal but undefined" rights to your children.

However, officials are often more willing to act on allegations from mothers than from fathers.  So beware.  If she has a pattern to rant and rage at you, especially over parenting, then you would be wise to quietly record those instances.  While courts are reluctant to listen to your proof that you weren't the one misbehaving, the police may be willing to listen before taking action against you if you are accused.

Another thought... She may claim all sorts of bad things about you if things get worse, hoping the professionals will side with her, but understand that just because she may claim you're Mr Evil Personified to her, that does not necessarily impact your parenting rights.  In a general sense, your parenting is not necessarily connected to your marital relationship.