BPDFamily.com

uBPDh is a classic "black and white" person, which means when I have some responsibility in escalating stuff, 100% of the blame would be shifted to me.  Unfortunately like in all relationships, I always have something I could have done/said better in the situation, which makes me constantly "in the wrong"... 

Because of that, it seemed to H that however he reacts to my responses are justified, and it's because "I made him" and "left him no choice".  How do I respond to that?  Because I can't really lecture him that "you have a choice in how to react"...

Different people work in different ways. I know with my uBPDh, it sometimes works if I ask questions. (Not when he's in a rage, but when he's in a more subdued dysregulation.) I'll own up to what I may have done, "I'm sorry. That wasn't the right thing to say. I should have said this." Then I move on to sort of vague questions of "I guess you couldn't have done this instead?" Usually it kind of gets his mind back on the tracks and he returns to baseline.

I stay calm and keep any trace of blame or accusation out of my voice when I do this.

But that may not work for everyone.

My partner is exactly the same.  It's hard to frequently be blamed and not have them take at least some ownership.

I agree with Ozzie about owning up to my part first.  However, once I do, she often jumps on board and blames more.  I TRY to stay quiet.
Then at some point later, not then, I ask if she can think of anything else we both could do differently next time, because I want to keep working at it.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't...but I admit, over the last 4 years, she definitely owns her stuff way more than she did in the past.  Baby steps...

Thanks.  I think my uBPDh is more like Omega1's partner... I always try to own up to my part, but he usually thinks that I'm not owning up enough (like, not 100%, ok?)...