BPDFamily.com

Another incident - wow I'm so tired...
I am devastated by her cruel actions and statements.  If I could learn to somehow roll with it, the incidents would dissipate faster.  But I cry, and cry.  I feel so hurt and so sad from the things she says and does.

She's mad about work today, because I didn't spend time with her.
I texted to tell her some stuff because she was busy too and she was mad I didn't come downstairs and talk to her. 
So she ignored all my texts, one of which was about a job interview and that felt bad.
So I came downstairs and she was mad.  Then I addressed her being mad and she started yelling.
Then she said she wasn't including me in family dinner.
Why do I get soo upset?  How can I manage this better?

...and now I just feel so sad, and a bit scared to even speak to her
I guess that's where 'walking on eggshells' comes from...

But I feel pathetic, I feel like I'm a loser who is scared to talk to my partner...
Where is the strong confident woman I used to be?

It's exactly the walking on eggshells.  It is not easy at all and I've been there with the tears.

In fact, I even burst into tears once after she gave me all sorts of praise because I knew (though didn't know the name for it then) it was idealization and meant nothing because a couple weeks or a month later she'd be saying the opposite.  It was late at night, she had fallen asleep and I was sitting out in the living room.  I just... broke down.

You wonder where the confident woman in you went.  It's the control.  It's the stifling.  It's the keeping you off balance.

We were asked once which of us was more dominant within the relationship.  She looked at me as I warily looked at her.  A comment was made by someone that they could tell I had felt emasculated. She was shocked and asked "Do I emasculate you?"  I confirmed, but gently, and she never asked how or said a word afterward.

The point of the last paragraph is that... they really don't realize.  In fact, they'll blame you for being less than you were before recognizing their role.  In her mind, I am the more dominant figure in our relationship because she is blind to the dynamic from her end and its effect.

I'd suggest something that I am still working on, myself.  What saps the confidence is how it is allowed to affect you.  If she does that ridiculous move (it really is) of excluding you from family dinner, how would you feel if you were able to detach from the emotional response and hurt and look at her and say, "Okay.  I'll take care of myself," (in an un-emotional tone, not as a jab back) calmly walk out, grab something at a carry out place and enjoy some you time eating it on a park bench watching the sun go down?

Empowered a bit?  Yes, because you chose to just find another way to enjoy the time.  The choice was the power.  The choice is also a boundary - if you exclude me from dinner, I will just go take care of my own food without a fight.

She may not be happy, but what are the options?  Fight your way to the dinner table through her wrath?  Cry in the room and scrounge for leftovers later?  Or... take the opportunity to just go be your own person and take care of yourself, independent of her and unaffected by her manipulation?

I'm so sorry for all the sadness.  It's miserable, and sometimes it feels like there's no way out.  One important tool is called "self validation."  Our ability to tell ourselves that we're worthwhile.  It's a vital survival tool in situations like the one you describe, though as you read what I'm writing I understand the possibility of actually becoming powerful at it may sound tough to attain. 

I bet you have some ability to self-validate, some ability to take control of the situation as Witz_End is suggesting, even if your successes seem small compared to the challenges being thrown at you.  Can you describe any small moments of peace and empowerment you're able to claim?

RC