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I have only accepted recently the negative aspects of my relationship with my mother...
At times she seemed one opposite to the other, my mom has extremely wonderful aspects, times she has been the best mother in the world- affectionate, encouraging, sweet as can be. But as many of you have probably felt there were times she also became the exact opposite.
I have been in denial about her negative behavior for a long time, ultimately believing I could fix it or her... always holding on the good trying to outweigh the bad in my mind...however since coming to the conclusions I have; I believe for my best well being I will have to cut her out of my life. I have become extremely depressed & have begun having suicidal idealization. (I am going to therapy currently). I have become a parent in a sense to her & I feel it is my job to make sure she is taken care of despite all she has done against me...I know that she is MY parent & she is ultimately responsible for herself...
However, I was hoping in all of this if anyone could offer any solutions to relationships they had had, struggled they had felt with maybe the same or similar situation I have...I haven't put myself first in a long time & I know I must to gain my mental health back...however I feel so torn down that I don't feel confidant in my own strength anymore in this regard.  :help:

Hi.

Are you looking for help with going no contact or for help with strengthening yourself and separating from your mom and learning tools that can help you cope better?  Or something else?

The latter.

LostDove   :hi:

Accepting negative aspects of a relationship can be difficult. When we realise that a person whom we have a relationship with has a character or traits that are inconsistent of our expectations of them—then the disappointment can be difficult to feel.

Yes, with the BP in my life, there are times where I've experienced these two seemingly opposite personalities. Of course experiencing that inconsistency with a person over a long period of time can feel very taxing—we're struggling in a way to relate to someone consistently when they're expressing themselves inconsistently.

You aren't alone. I think it's quite common for some adult children of BP's to feel like 'parentified' children. When I once expressed this to a friend of mine, she seemed to not have a clue what I was talking about (she came from a FOO where parent issues didn't seem present to her). So me too, I've felt alone because I think a lot of people can't relate—they don't have these experiences. I encourage you here that you aren't alone. Lots of people have gone through this. There are a lot of great ways to improve your life from here.

Me too, I thought I could fix more than one person for many years. When I let it go, thinking and feeling through things in as rational and as moral a manner as possible, it improved my quality of life tremendously. So I share that hope with you too.

It may not feel like it now, and I haven't got advice on what you can do in this moment (keeping a theraputic relationship is a very good thing)—but I share with you a bit of understanding that gave me comfort.

When I was 'adjusting' my relationships with the BP in my life, and other people that fit a similar bill—I did feel angry and sad. I appreciate that it can even feel depressing and being drained of strength. One thing I noticed was that the feeling was similar to not getting what I wanted from a relationship. I felt pain because I was saying goodbye to the image of what I had of this person. I seemed to derive a lot of 'good' things from that image. But it was a false image in the sense that it didn't fit the reality of what the person more accurately was. My thinking went like this—I wouldn't have the relationship I thought I had with the fake healthy person I wished I had. Saying goodbye to wishes is of course painful.

Instead—looking forward—I'd have a relationship with a BP/unhealthy person. In that case, it's a much better mind's eye view/position to approach the relationship because (1) I wasn't going to expect things the other person couldn't give and (2) I wasn't going to be as vulnerable to manipulation from a person of whom I had a false image of. I found comfort in that, and I share that with you.

So it's a bit like an infant teething. In the short term, it feels really very crumby. But in the long term, the infant gets to use their teeth.  :)

I'm in a similar boat, a year ago I realized I couldn't keep the relationship with my uBPD mom as it stood, it was toxic. I had been parenting her for over a decade. In the last year, I've been going to therapy and learning some techniques - self soothe, don't justify myself, validate her emotions and set limits. I've gone from daily 30 min phone calls and in person visits weekly where my husband and I were fixing her house, mowing her lawn, buying her groceries... etc. Pretty much doing anything she requested. Now, down to 10 min phone calls every other day and structured visits (set amount of time with agenda, no house repairs) once a month. It has definitely helped. The more I detach, the more she is taking responsibility for herself.
If she blows up on the phone, I don't call her the next few days and let her stew. She needs me more than anything, so I know she'll get over whatever crazy argument she cooked up.
My advice (if you want to keep contact), set limits and figure out what you can handle and when. Stay firm! Your health and well-being should always come first.
I keep thinking about how on a safety demonstration on a plane, they say put your oxygen mask first before helping others. Same thing here, in my opinion.
 It takes me a lot of mental energy before and after phone calls and visits, and self soothing after. If I'm not in the mood, I don't bother.
Good luck! We are here for you!