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Can BPD cause a change in sexual orientation? I'm having trouble finding another explanation for my ex's behavior during and after our recent breakup. I [F/30] was with my ex [F/31] for 5.5 years. This month she left me for a man (he was a mutual friend). He started calling her his girlfriend on social media one week after she broke up with me by ghosting me. She never allowed me to call her that (she fluctuates between "she" and "They" in terms of gender and hated being called girlfriend).

The thing is that she's really really gay. She's shared a few fantasies about pegging/dominating a man, but has never been sexually/romantically attracted to men, ever. I'm Bi and she was always vocally disturbed by the idea of me being attracted to men. Either she has been lying about who she is for the eight years that I've known her, or she flipped from being gay from one day to the next. Some other reasons why I think it might be BPD:

-She initiated at least 30 silent treatment/breakup/block/makeup cycles throughout our relationship.
-Breakups usually happened for reasons I wasn't aware of until after she came out of the cycle. She'd tell me it was something that I did or had done, which I never could have guessed would have angered her.
-For example, she broke up with me and blocked me almost every single time I stayed with family for a few days. She'd tell me that she thought the relationship was over once I left, so she just ended it to be sure.
-Would not allow me to fall asleep before her because she felt I was abandoning her. Similarly, hated me for sleeping in because she got anxious being alone while I was sleeping.
-Could not be alone in a room.
-Hated when I was a few minutes late.
-One of the first things she told me about was her mom abandoning her/leaving her alone in the house when she was little.
-Takes care of her mom now, who I'm positive has BPD.
-Frequently said she felt "sad and empty" in the middle of our conversations.
-Did not believe in forgiveness.
-Mirrored her family's behavior anti-affectionate behavior often. For example, after her Gma started saying "Thank you" when my ex said I love you to her, my ex then started doing the same thing to me.
-In the moments where we finally communicated, has told me things like "I am unable to understand myself while balancing understanding you and us" and "It makes me want to leave and quit and abandon everything and hurt you as much as humanly possible bc I can’t let go of clear painful moments in the past."
-I tried contacting her several times after she ghosted me, and after I sent final closure e-mail, she finally responded and told it was an example of "my prolonged emotional and pyschological abuse" of her. I know I was clingy, but I also know I never abused her. I tried really hard in the relationship and was committed to communication, growth, and being there for her.

Hi oakleaves,  :hi:

*welcome*

I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you here. I am glad that you decided to join us, there is hope. Some of the traits that you’re talking about sound like BPD, as you probably already know we can’t diagnose someone only a professional can do that. What we can look at are BPD traits.

A pwBPD lack a sense of self and don’t know who they really are or what they believe in, they can cycle through different friends that they generally wouldn’t hang out with, they might change professions and goals often. To your point though yes they can change their sexual orientation as well.

Adding to what Mutt said about the lack of sense of self (which, oddly is not one of my wife's traits that I can tell - at least not in the usual)...

Even with non-BPD cases, there can be shifts in sexuality.  I've heard several men tell a story of being in a hetero marriage for years before realizing they were gay.  I would imagine they struggled with it and attempted to suppress it for at least some time, possibly out of love for or commitment to the woman they were with (even if that love began to feel less romantic).

This is not to say that is the case here.  Who knows?  It may be a phase... perhaps she thinks she shifted hetero or perhaps she'll settle somewhere in the middle...?  But, the point is that human sexuality, even for non-BPD's can change or other aspects can awaken.

So, is it possible?  Yes.  When you add the impulsiveness, lack of sense of self and general complexity of a pwBPD... I can see those factors playing in.  But, it does not mean it has necessarily changed permanently or swung a full 180 degrees.  She may be feeling it out still.

Remember growing up and people acting "grossed out" by thoughts of sex or being with someone else?  Did it mean they weren't thinking about it back then?  Sometimes it can be a "doth protest too much" scenario.

You said something at the end there...


Do not buy into that hook, line an sinker.  Yes, sometimes us non's can lower yourself to points where we respond to manipulation or such in kind.  It can happen.  Like violence begets violence, if a person does not hold to their values, abuse can beget abuse.  So, honest introspection may help.  BUT...

...and this is a very serious but to consider...

It is very typical, from what I have read and personal experience, for us as the non's to take too much of the pwBPD's projection to heart and start to believe ourselves to be the problem much much more than we are.  It can sometimes feel *we* are the crazy ones or the manipulators or abusers when we are not.  It's a serious mind game.

Bear that in mind and do not fall into the trap of taking responsibility for what is not yours to take responsibility for.  Easier said than done and I'll admit to falling into that trap myself.