BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

 this will be difficult for me. Also sorry for my English, it's not my native language. Also it is difficult to write about 40 years of live in a few paragraphs, so only what's important follows. Feel free to ask if anything is missing/unclear.

 I am highly introverted person (INTJ personality, you can call it schizoid, but somehow I seek close relationships). My mother had enough problems with herself, probably unable to meet my emotional needs (up to 3-5 yrs). I remember many helpless traumas with my father. Later, he was simply using me (and my mum, other people as well) to improve his self esteem (game where I was bad, once I had a dream I called in my dream journal "You are supposed to fail"). This his behavior continues even nowadays, but at least I can recognize it now. I had strong interest in science, but this was never enough for him. My parents were always fighting, I was like "rescuer" for my mum. I would say a bit pleaser attitude. The childhood was not so bad as I described it, there were many positive things, however I am trying to focus on my introversion and deficiency to defend myself, which has roots in childhood.

In 15 I started working, in 20 I set up my own company, got degree, in 22-23 I built my own house and left my parents. And met a girl. She was completely different compared to my previous experiences, she was very spontaneous, energic, sensual, ... etc. Also she is a nurse, at that time it looked like she wants to have a meaningful carrier. However, after approx. 2 years many problems started. I started avoiding her,  I felt digust (?), sex was horrible. I felt alienation. She wanted a child, I did not, she blamed me for many things in our partnerships, it was very manipulative and she was/is very anxious (but I did not understand that). My fault was I did not solve this, honestly I did not know how - I was the faulty one, but was not able to repair myself. After 9 years I think I genuinely wanted the child (not with her), but I "made" it. After birth it all went completely wrong. I was not good father, I know that. Not sure if it's apology, but she was putting me off, blamed me. This is where projective identification clearly happens, we also have many events where "I am (even nowadays) one to blame for", but I do not feel guilty - I either helped or tried to help. Some years after our son's birth she started to have panic attacks, got meds, psychological treatement. After some time I have decided I cannot bear this anymore and said her this is the end. I felt huge relief, but it started huge crisis, because she did not accept this. Our son became a weapon. We started partner therapy, ended with no improvement after 6 months (her decision). Another crisis, with help of her psychiatrist I "forced" her to therapy.

Our therapist tried to help us to relate more (and she felt I want out, but I was stuck), but that did not work. Then she recommended us to break up, which is what we did (this is 2 years ago), she was still living in my house. 2 months later she had another panic attacks. At his moment she instantly became "the good one" as I knew her in the beginning. Back to partner therapy, she started also individual for her anxiety. After 2 months everything was back "normal", all improvement lost.

After another 6 months I said I want to stop partner therapy as I was feeling the therapist is pushing me to the relationship, but not helping me in any way to emotionally survive. Also I felt I do not want this anymore, to be a more and more evident victim. So this ended, but I visited the therapist couple more times, where she told me "you do not need her" and also give me explanation to some of my childhood rooted issues (mainly "not being good enough to get love").

After end of therapy, I tried different strategy on my own, without professional help. Whatever she was doing I ignored and tried to make her happy. e.g. I came to her 20 times and offered a bike ride. One time she agreed. Then I showed her romantic view, talked about exotic country, blah blah blah a lot of effort to improve her feelings ... and switched her into positive mood, we had sex, she was happy. Like black and white person. She was VERY happy, but her demands were only higher and higher ... which lead to you know where (remember I am introverted). So this was clearly not a good way, so I decided to simply start building healthier boundaries against her attempts to revert them back (this summer). Not to allow her to have me in "always bad, always failing" position. I started improving our (my) house, building another smaller to have more space, etc. My explanation of what happened next is that her reality started collapsing, now she was not able to show me like "he is the black sheep" to other people.

Also I found a way how to stop "Berne-like" games "you are bad" (you are driving too fast/too slow/wrong way/..etc type games). As I was improving myself in this she started giving up earlier and earlier, but she still tries sometimes.

She moved to son's room (like many times before, in fact after birth it was the "default", only therapist forced her to move back to bedroom).

Since then I felt only that she hates me. Some days (say 1 in a month) it was opposite, she even asked me to have another baby. I said no, hurted her and reverted her to hating person. Later she told me she wants to leave me. But she said she cannot leave due to very high rental cost. I offered her financial help, she declined. I found her an apartment in her price range, she declined. This week she told me she wants to leave again, but unfortunately the apartment she chose was already rented (not sure if it was just another game).

I do not think she's BPD (does not meet diag criteria IMO), however there are many traits.

- her father left the family in 2-3 years. I think grandma was abusing whole family, she probably learnt "everyone is to blame for my live" coping mechanism  from her

- to me it looks like if she is to be happy, I must be miserable. If I am OK, she is miserable. We played zero-sum games (only win-lose, almost no win-win).

- I failed to build many things for her or family once she moved in. E.g. kitchen took very long time as every solution I offered was bad. We still do not have cabinet in hall, after all games when I told her I will pay for it do it as you wish ... she told me "No, so as everyone can see what person you are".

- anything I do positive has to be turned into negative, I started to do housekeeping/building/repairing things/etc in secret, which worked quite well

- many many games to kill my self esteem, even leading to sentences like "Are you proud of yourself?", "... you hero", etc.

- I am always the one responsible for all faults

- Silent treatment

- we have no emotional closeness (but I can have it with other people to some degree), I think she is hiding her true self. She was constantly saying "you don't know me", "you cannot read my mind", etc. (I wish my closest would understand me) Also in restaurant we were not able to speak.

- For many years she was limiting my influence on son like if she wanted to have him for herself (and she is "parentizing" him in my opinion). This still continues (he's 7), but as we do not do anything together I can do a lot more as father. Also her view of father role or what is family is a bit weird for me.

- It is VERY VERY difficult for me to build any boundaries, in many cases she found a way how to cross them ... resulting in my black/white behavior (e.g. not going with her on vacation at all, etc.).

- I see generally black and white thinking, she is even saying "I want full relationship (how she wants it) or nothing".

- when she leaves for more than 2-3 days, I feel relief, I start making our home nice. When she returns I feel constant anxiety (I think due to "walking in minefield"/"walking on eggshells")

- when she switches herself from bad to good and wants to get closer to me she pretends "nothing happened" (and later she hurts me again exactly the same way). She was complaining that I am not forgetting, have no ability to forgive.

* NO suicidal attempts, NO self harm. Mostly anhedonia or depressive days, NO mood swings within hours (takes significantly longer)

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I am far from perfect partner or father, I know that. I have problems with healthy boundaries, the distance must be "not close enough" in order not to get hurt my "fragile self". But I can imagine true close romantic relationship, where I can allow very close intimacy. Now I am also not helping it by repeatedly rejecting her and refusing to "return back to old days".

My question is if anyone has experienced anything similar, any hint is appreciated. I am also trying to figure out:

- what the relationship is offering to me, any unconscious function ... ?

- why is it so difficult to break it (codependecy?)

- why am I still trying to "fix it", to "help her", why am I worrying for her ?

- I am not 100% sure if her intentions to leave are genuine, in case it's just another game, how would you end it? Please remember there is 7 yrs old son ...

Sorry for long text and thanks for reading

I’m sorry that you are dealing with such a difficult relationship, but I’m glad you found us. I’m moving your post to the Bettering board where you will learn strategies that will help.