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This is my first post on here, so here it goes. I have been together with my high-school sweet heart for 8 years now. When we first got together in highschool, we were infatuated with one another. Then, after being together a while, I started noticing unusual paranoia from him in our relationship, mood swings, emotional instability, etc. At the time, I didnt really know how to word what was going on, or how to understand why one day I would be "the greatest thing that ever happened to him" only to be "stupid" and "a lieing bitch" the next. I spent the next four years pursuing a degree in psychology while he worked to support us. Our relationship has not been easy. I think the fact that we both overcame large life obstacles together was a big factor in keeping our relationship strong.

That being said, over the last 8 years, my SO has made a lot of improvement. I think in part because I understand him so much better. I am able to point out when he is being paranoid or irrational, rather than getting into days-long irrational arguments with him. We have been through his mood cycles so many times, that we both sort of know its a cycle, even though its still just as real to him in the moment. Lastly, he now is at the point that he recognizes that there is something wrong and that he wants help to get control over his mood. He saw a psychiatrist for the first time last month, and the Dr prescribed him an SSRI + something to calm him down. He is trying to really get a grip on his emotions.

Here is the thing, though. Ofcourse I am glad that he is becoming so much more healthy. I am supportive 100%. It has been hard for me though, over the last few months, as the cycles i have learned to expect & cope with have seemingly stopped. For years it has been distinct, reliable cycles of "I hate your guts" or "you are my whole world". Its been possible for me to bear & grin the negative cycles, with the hope that if we keep working on it he will eventually have control over his behavior, and because i always knew I'd break through to what I perceived as "the real him" that was the passionate, deeply loving, best friend I fell in love with, at the end of the negative cycle. Now it is something different. He is distant, maybe more of a normal relationship, but still struggles with "I hate your guts" moments and paranoia . These moments are not in cycles of days but instead are an hour or two daily before he recognizes he is being irrational and just goes back to being flat in affect. I guess i am just having to readjust. I am really struggling to just have seemingly lost the infatuated side of him all together. It was addicting and wonderful. It hurts when I seek that side out only to be rejected.  I feel worn out dealing with the "I hate you moments" without any "you are the greatest thing in my life" moments to look forward to.

Has anyone else gone through this? Is this just a long phase in its self? I'm not even really sure what I want to ask, I just feel down and lost and unsure of how to go on from here..

*welcome*

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling.  A simple way to look at this is that your relationship together has undergone a huge change.  It's a lot to adjust to.  Be patient with the situation and yourself.  It's normal for it to feel completely disorienting, and it's normal to be discouraged.

You're rebuilding the relationship with a whole new set of circumstances.  You mentioned that perhaps it's more like a "normal" relationship.  I don't know about you, but when I was deep in a relationship with a pwBPD, I wasn't really sure what normal was ;)  In any relationship, it's important to find ways to make it stronger, and to find strength from it.  You might be interested in reading the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman.  Don't worry about the title -- he studied successfully married couples, but his findings are relevant to any long term relationship.  It might give you some ideas about where to put your energy to strengthen your relationship, and how things might look in a world without big cycles.

Can you tell us if there are moments when you feel a good connection with him?

RC