BPDFamily.com

I have learned a lot from reading various posts and threads over the past few days. So very many things resonate and now make sense when looked at through a BPD lens. Thank you.

I am trying to understand why being in a car is such an explosive trigger for my BPDh. If I were to list his Top 20 rages over the past 18 years (so many good ones to choose from!), I'd say that over half occurred while he was driving and I was a passenger (also a couple of good ones when I was driving).

Twice when I have been with him, people have called the cops on him over road-rage-type incidents  (once a guy honked at him to let him know he was going the wrong way in a parking lot and my h got out of the car and physically threatened him; the second time, we got rear-ended [not at all seriously] and he jumped out of the car and dragged the driver out of his). Most of the other Top 20 would be classified as the typical BPD rage, rage, RAGE directed at me--the rage that has been so  damaging to our marriage.

I would appreciate any insights on what might be going on inside his brain when he gets behind the wheel.

I can't claim to know, but am happy to make up an answer  :(  It seems like driving is a trigger for many folks with anger issues.  I imagine it has to do with several things.  When we're driving, we're piloting our vehicle in our own little bubble.  We want to do what we want, and are insulated from others, so recognizing them as equals with feelings, needs, etc. may be difficult.  Since we usually can't see their faces well, we don't know what they're feeling or thinking, and may fill that information void with the worst assumptions.  It seems like a perfect setup for thinking that the other person is a threat and we are a victim.

RC

Hi Ophelia  :hug:

Are you familiar with the definitions of abuse? One of those listed is also this kind of ‘ road rage’, it is actually a violent act, potentially very dangerous and a sign of lack of impulse/ self control.

Now,  of course you are not responsible for his actions.

How could you make improve your and your dear ones security? Any boundaries you could establish?

Hi Vincenta

I had not read/identified road rage as part of the definition of abuse, but now that you mention it, I can absolutely see how it would be given the terror it elicits and the potential for serious physical harm.

I have tried countless times to establish boundaries around his driving such as, if we are to do a road trip, trying to get him to agree that he does not go more than 120 km/hr on the highway. These conversations usually take three tries--the first one is for the incomparable RAGE to come out when I bring it up, the second one is to start the conversation partly before the RAGE starts and then on the third try I get somewhere.

No, we don't road trip often for that exact reason. I avoid getting in a car with him at all costs but there are of course times when it's not avoidable. Then I find myself on edge the whole time he is driving which he picks up on and hates and triggers an outburst at best, a rage at worst. It's so stupid as I type it but so utterly hopeless in real life. Any suggestions?

This is a challenging problem.  We can't use boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) to control someone else's behavior.  We can only control our own, such as when you decide not to go on a trip with him when you don't feel safe.  We can invite others to healthy behavior.  Sometimes they'll accept the invitation, sometimes they won't.  That "sometimes they will and sometimes they won't" is not something we want to hear if our safety is at stake.

Can you tell us more about how it goes when you're trying to get him to agree to drive at a reasonable speed on a road trip?  What do you say, and when?  What does he say?  Are there calm times when he's more approachable?

RC