BPDFamily.com

Hello guys :hi:

so my ex boyfriend (we both have BPD) of 1 year which always lived with me broke up with me 2 weeks ago.
He was gone for 1 month for his job at the summer camp, we texted everyday, sending each other pictures of something we saw that day, our dog, him at the beach. It was pretty normal.
Then he told me he bought me a citrine bracelet to fight anxiety, depression etc.

The next morning he told me he wanted to talk about us... that we weren't evolving, i'm too impulsive and he wanted to stop everything.
He told me he needed to think about it till he came back.

When he came back he didn't say a thing for 2 days.. it was so awkward and we were so sad it was horrible then one night he asked me if he could stay at our place while he was looking for a new place... (he hasnt done it yet). I said yes and started crying... i didn't cause a scene. I just asked for a hug until he fell asleep...
Thats how i knew it was over. He deleted our relationship on facebook the next day and then everything went back to normal (almost).

He's back to his bubbly self, we started talking more almost like in the beggining, like we're not exes. He still sleeps right next to me, makes us food, buys food, goes to the same parties as me.
When i come back from work and go for a nap he leaves his computer and goes to nap with me. He makes jokes, touch me sometimes. Pokes my nose.
We had sex since we broke up, it was wonderful. It was like nothing happened. He told me we shouldn't do it but we did it anyway because we wanted to.
(but he asked me if i was keeping him for sex and i said NO. Obviously. I asked him if thats what he really thought and he told me yes then no. He asked me if that would be enough for me and i told him i didnt want to talk about that because it would make me sad BUT i think thats what he wants..)
The next morning i woke up to him petting my leg. Since then we had movie nights, he went to buy pizza for us at 1am because he was drunk and all bubbly.

But this weekend we went to the same party and at some point he started yelling for no reason (there must be one but he didnt tell me) and threw my beer in the trash because i "always do stupid sh*t and i'm f*ck*ng everything up" i told him about it the next morning and he didnt remember anything.

That night i went to sleep on the couch but he told me to come back because the couch would "destroy my back". Since then we're normal.
Nothing crazy, nothing bad but we don't look like exes TO ME.

It's only my opinion though. But i want him back. I want him to come back to me and try to make everything better AGAIN. We can do it.
I know i'm SAD sometimes and i sleep a LOT and it probably doesnt help him either and makes me look like a burden but when i'm good i'm GREAT.
I just need patience. Just like him.
I'm patient with him. I love him. I want to help him.

He's a very nervous and angry person when he splits (which he does a lot because he drinks a lot), i'm more of a quiet BPD.
He only told me once he loved me so maybe... he never loved me and only likes me as a friend. I don't know.

But i know we can make everything better.
At one point, right after our break up i told him i would see a psychologist (i cant pretend i'm fine all the time, certainly not after the break up) and he told me it was great.

Yesterday he went to spain for a week and i miss him so much i can't function without him.
I only sent him a message telling him to "have a great week because he deserves it!" and thats it.

I wont send anything until he comes back, i don't want to be too clingy since we're not together anymore.

I need advices... please. I've been crying so much since then.  :help:

Hello ebichu!

Sorry to hear about your situation! You should find good help here. Do you have your own therapist? Both of you having BPD must be really hard. You both got formally diagnosed? Have you been through DBT? What things have you tried to do to talk this through with him?

I don't have my own therapist yet but I plan on seeing someone because it's becoming too much and I need it..
Yes we both did!
I haven't been through DBT.
I just sent him a message 10 minutes ago (I know I said I wouldn't send anything but...) telling him we should talk when he comes back. That our relationship needed it as much as we do. That things are going to hurt but we NEED to talk about this situation to grow. I also told him to have a great week and that I would always be there for him.
I hope I'm not going to frustrate him when he comes back

So I sent him a huge message telling him we should talk about our new relationship bc it would help each other I guess.

I told him I would let him sleep in the bed and I would take the couch but he said no blabla the couch isnt good enough we will put a second mattress next to the bed.

I don't PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing know. And he seems a bit cold idk (he's always cold by messages though so I don't know...)

I'm PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ing lost.
I just don't know what to do to get him back without pressuring him.

Hi ebichu-

Welcome to our community and I’m sorry that you’re having sadness and confusion with your BPDbf.  I also have a few BPD traits, although my T (therapist) said I do not qualify for a diagnosis.  I actually noticed these traits in myself through my studying and trying to improve my relationship with my BPDbf.

It’s been an amazing, though challenging journey.  Today was our 6th anniversary.

It IS very difficult when one partner seems more invested than the other partner; but then the partner who expressed disinterest is giving VERY mixed signals.  No doubt you’re feeling quite Confused.

Ebichu-  I would use caution with how much intensity is used in text communication.  I’ve found that there is a huge margin for error, missed tone and misunderstanding in text communications with my BPDbf.  The primary thing we use texting for now is for love messages, brief greetings, and what time he’ll be coming over.  If I see he’s moving toward a difficult topic in a text, I ask if he would like to talk on the phone (he knows I won’t address hard topics via text).  What are your thoughts on this?

Finally,  I encourage you to explore our site and read about the communication tools.  Not only will you see how these will help with improving things with your BPDbf, but you’ll see how these tools and methods would make YOU feel more heard and understood in a relationship.  I found that when I learned how and began to validate my BF, he actually began to validate ME... that feels good.  He is also learning empathy.

Another important lesson for you to read is the 3 minute video on “Ending Conflict”

My friend, I’m glad you’ve joined us.  However, Please keep in mind that the vast majority of our members have partners, ex-partners or family members with BPD or strong BPD traits.  Many of our members are in pain from the dysfunction of their relationships, so use caution NOT to take what you read in posts personally.  Most of our members’ partners and family members are in complete denial of the diagnosis, traits and the sometimes hurtful behavior.

There is a great deal you can teach members; and also learn.

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes