BPDFamily.com

I have known my BPD wife for 7 years. There were signs in the first year that I overlooked, again and again. Now, we are married, we have a 4 years old daughter, and life around her is living hell. From her first words in the morning to her last at night. She is constantly trying to upset me and finding ways to keep me in a stressful state.
I started meditating, journaling, running, reading, seeing a therapist, it helps me somehow. We have not had any intimacy or sex in the last 4 years. We sleep in separate rooms. She has not worked in 7 years, watches a lot of TV, takes care of our daughter when I am not around, does the minimum for the house and has some form of shopping addiction. I realize that I will never make her happy. She drives me nuts most days by playing my weaknesses and fears. She is anxious and stressed all the time.
She says that she is depressed but does not do anything to get better. She tells me that I am the one with BPD or sociopath issue...

Last week, we had a brief disagreement that put her in a state of acute anxiety. I was calm and firm, pointing that nobody could help her but herself. She left the house very agitated. I went to bed. The next morning, the cops came to pick me up. She said that I kicked her and showed a bruise on her thigh. I spent the night in prison and got out the next day. I have to hire a lawyer and fight my case to stay in the US (I have a green card).
I am tired, I want to get away of this toxic relationship. I am worried about our daughter that started acting out, especially when we are bickering. She is spending our money. She is a fighter and can make my life miserable.
I do not know where to start to get out of that situation while protecting my daughther, who I am afraid, will develop psychological issues by watching her mother and our broken relationship.

I'll give you some advice, when those accusations start you better cover your butt 24/7. Turn on your phone location, put security cameras up and make sure you communicate with friends and family by texting which is logged. If you have a way to prove that you're nowhere near your wife if an accusation occurs you will be fine. It's hell having false allegations made when they assume the victim is telling the truth just to be on the safe side. Go get a protection order against her asap if you feel it's necessary and if she threatens you document it and tell the police you want to press charges. This is the beginning of a slippery slope that I've been on. Vindictive malicious behavior is domestic violence. You might want to look at the national center for domestic violence and see you are probably a victim of several forms of it. It's nothing to take lightly.

What is your living situation now? Does she have an order of protection, with you out of the house? Is she allowed to contact you, and has she done so?

The best outcome would be for her to recant her accusation so that the charge is dropped.

Do you think she is regretting what she did? Or will she play this out?

Thank you for your messages. It is great to connect with people who have lived what I am living. I was able to stay in my house for nearly two months after the false allegation, she did not ask for an order of protection. It was very slippery and at some point she threatens to call the police again, and I got scared of going back to jail. I called the police first and asked them to come. I realize now that I should have asked for an order of protection myself. I did not know it was a possibility."Vindictive malicious behavior is domestic violence." I wish i saw your message earlier SadtimesAZ.

After that, I have never stayed with her by myself. My dad stayed with us for a month. Then, at the pre-trial, instead of asking for dismissal of the case, she said she was scared to live with me and a bunch of other lies. The judge issued a conditional release order or no-contact order (not a DANCO) in which we have to live separately and not talk to each other for other things than finances and our daughter. Since last week, I spend time with my daughter during the weekend and she is with her mother during the week. I am glad that this order is in place because it is protecting me. I have another hearing in January. My case may still be dismissed, as I think the prosecutor understands that he has a weak case. I trust that I will win in front of a jury.

In the meantime, I must be careful because she is trying to make me break the order. She called me a few times and texted me when she should not. She does things that I disapprove like getting a dog for our daughter or pulling money out of our joint account.

Now, I hired a family lawyer, and I am filing for divorce. She needs serious psychological help and possibly inpatient care for a while. I am scared that she will pass her BDP traits to our daughter (4 years old). I am asking for full legal and physical custody as it is in our daughter's best interest until my wife seeks the care that she desperately needs.

Please let me know if you have any advice going forward and things I should prepare for as I start the divorce procedure.