BPDFamily.com

Two months ago, while my wife had kicked me out of the house until I fulfilled some ultimatum, I got myself an apartment to escape the verbal and emotional abuse that was taking place in front of the kids.  Shortly after that we filed for divorce.  I had always stated that if we are going to work this out, it will take a long time, I want some physical separation while this goes on.  I had hoped we could arrange parenting time with our kids without a court order, but after several occasions of me coming to pick them up and her changing her mind about me picking the kids up, I proceeded the legal route. 

We both submitted parenting plans, but since I moved out of the house, she held me to the one she put together which gives me every other weekend and Wednesday nights.  I don't get them for the whole weekend just overnight from Saturday to Sunday.  I also can't have them overnight at my apartment.  She will leave and I will stay at the house with the kids.

Well, this Friday I get a text from her stating that the nesting arrangement won't work.  I now have to return the kids by 6:00 on Saturday and I can pick them up again at 9:00 on Sunday. I am still not allowed to keep them overnight at my apartment. 

I feel like she is poisoning the kids with me. I used to have a great relationship with them and now the tell me they hate me several times when I see them.  If anything starts to go slightly off, they two older ones will call their mother and report what is going on.  If they see something at my apartment, they feel belongs at the house, they will try to take it.

She has them seeing a counselor, but she is taking them to see the same counselor that saw us as a couple.  The same counselor, that even after I showed him documentation of the abuse she was putting me through, he still proceeded to see us together. He did not like to label actions as abuse because it gives the other person in the relationship to not put any work in and he believes if both people put effort into the relationship, the abuse will subside.  He is now seeing our kids about the divorce and I fear he is only emboldening their mother's hatred.

We have our first mediation session coming up in about two weeks.  I'm hesitant to file an emergency order to get more parenting time, because I was afraid of raising emotions heading into mediation and derailing it, but after this weekend, she seems to already be on the war path.  I fear mediation will not get us anywhere and I will just continue to wait to see my kids and they will just continue to develop contempt for me.

The other thing I wonder about is if the long term, I should just let her act this way.  I mean, it seems to crazy to me and others around me, that when she finally gets in front of a judge, the judge will look at her actions and say "WTF?"  Like let her continue to show her cards.  On the other hand, when I can have longer periods of time with my kids they start to like me more.  They hate me the most on the day I pick them up from their mother, but the more time I have with them without their mother the better things start to go between all of us.   

Is there a court order yet, even a temporary one?  If not, then don't agree to her unilateral terms.  Without a court order stating otherwise, you both as parents have equal but undefined rights as parents.  In short, that usually means the police won't step in to force an exchange.  Sure, they beg, plead and pressure but if parents don't reach agreement then they'll likely do what my police said before leaving... "Work it out or go to court to get an order."

By the way, I agree with your stbEx, nesting doesn't work in our high conflict cases, at least not long term.

What would happen if you don't agree to return the kids at end of day?  As in, they're with me Saturday, I will keep them and return them Sunday evening.  (My court was generous, I had 72 hour weekends ordered, from Fri 6 pm to Monday 6 pm, except for holidays which had priority over the regular schedule.)

Feel free to ask your lawyer or your local police what would happen in such a scenario.  They may agree in general with my explanation.  Of course, doing so could get an overreaction from your stbEx and she might say "Then no more visitation!"  And you may be stuck there in legal limbo until you get to court for the divorce's temp court order.  (My ex had to admit she blocked all father-preschooler contact for over 3 months but all the magistrate did was say "I'll fix that" and order the prior schedule activated again, still with her primary and me alternate weekends.  No consequences for her and no make up time for me.)

She's not the boss of the parenting agreement, Wilkinson. Anything you get from a judge will be better than what you're getting, so it's good that you are willing to file something with the court.

Are you reading Dr. Craig Childress, Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak, and Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids? Most of us are presented with some type of parental alienation and the key to offsetting it is to respond with the right skills. All three of those authors can help you help your kids figure out where their hatred is coming from.

Sometimes I see H's kids express disdain for him even when he's doing something loving. I haven't read this in any of the books but one thing I notice is that they respect him less when he is a doormat. The more accommodating he is, the more disdain they have.

Lately, when they behave in ways that are disrespectful, he will say he deserves to be treated well and they have to scramble to figure out how to respond. They weren't raised to respect him so he has had to teach them what that means. His ex wife is BPD, and so is my ex.

My ex was less successful with PA because I had majority time. I noticed my son felt safer with me when I grew a backbone. I had to choose between opening the door and letting my H barge through the door (with then S11 in tow) during a psychotic episode, or leaving my son outside the door and ordering H to get back in the car.

At 18, my son remembers that day as me protecting him, which is not what I would've thought. He insists he was on the inside of the door with me, which is not what happened.

I think that day made an impression on how he sees me. Strong and certain and firm and no BS = safety for S11, no matter which side of the door he was standing on.

What does your lawyer advise?  Filing an emergency temporary order or waiting to try to fix the problem in mediation?

I'd probably err on the side of filing for an emergency order.

I am not, but I will now.  I struggle to find the right balance between standing up for myself and not letting the kids be used as pawns.  One of the things she used to do a lot is punish the kids for my compliance.  I remember one day when I wouldn't hand over her phone for her to look through, she told my daughter (9) that her friend that was visiting had to go home because Dad wouldn't give her his phone.  She tearfully looked at me and begged me to give mom my phone. Now why me handing over my phone has anything to do with whether a guest can stay is something that is very perplexing, but it seemed to make sense to my wife and my daughter didn't question it. 

However, I will consider your comments about making sure to stand up for my rights and what is right.

My lawyer advised the emergency order. I said OK.  This happened yesterday, I assume I will hear back today or tomorrow.