BPDFamily.com

Mod Note:  part 1 of this thread is here   
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339485.0;all

Things were calming down yesterday, or so it seemed to me. I proceeded to write him a text message and he responds to written information in a more favourable way. The the t went close to what Ff wrote about “owning it”, I apologized at the end. No acknowledgement was made of my apology. Today he stayed home to assist with surveillance system, the technician arrived 4 hrs late. The entire time I was berated for screwing up the time of the appointment. In the morning I was commenting on s11’s clothes choices when ubpdh interjected into the conversation and said “don’t listen to your mother, never listen to your mother, she doesn’t know what she is talking about and she has no sense of style”. I just walked away with my son in hand, but my mother who overheard him starting chastising ubpdh, saying “don’t you ever tell your children not to listen to their mother or disrespect her in front of them, you can’t do this, it’s simply wrong. If you disagree, do it in the privacy of your bedroom”. As the day progressed I became the Teddy more and more, him snapping at me or commanding me to do something for him. Finally, we have agreed to go to pick our furniture, again. I know. Once we were there I realized that he was taking adderall which is a stimulant similar to cocaine without making him high. He was extremely rude, obnoxious and patronizing in front of the store clerks. He disapproved of everything I have chosen and we went home empty handed. He kept on saying “how could you bring me to the store when x,y,z doesn’t meet my criteria?” Btw everything he noted and required before was on par with what I offered to him. I felt completely gaslighted. He also critiqued me looking unkept, although he doesn’t allow me to leave without permission. I was so upset, felt gaslighted that I could not find the keys from the car for about 5 minutes feeling out of touch with reality and feeling like I’m loosing my mind.
I just can’t stand him, I hate the very essence of who he is. He is a terrible person, I’ll, twisted and antisocial. He isn’t able to have a normal conversation or see anyone except himself. I want to tell him off. I’m afraid we will get into physical fight because this feisty  side of me is coming to surface. I want to take the kids and leave him alone in this house. I want him to feel the pain he is inflicting on me

Snowglobe

I'm sorry your are experiencing pain.  My hope is you can focus on self care and evaluate the true source of your pain.

You are responsible for your choices.  You have chosen this path in life with him knowing full well the pain that has come with it and will continue to come with it until something/someone changes.

We all seem to agree that he isn't going to change.

You chose not to change and instead chase after the bitcoin.

Are you ready to examine who is responsible for your pain?

Please don't attempt to share any more feelings with him.  You are correct that another assault will be the likely result.

Best,

FF

You've been here before -- wanting revenge.

I will ask what others have asked.

When you now find yourself in the very situation you wanted and created, and your H is no different than he was 2-3 months ago -- what will you do to take responsibility and accountability for the life you now own?

If it isn't the life you want, and H isn't going to change, what must change within yourself so that you either live well in the current situation, or live well in a different life?

Or stay miserable, in pain, and abused.

Your choice.

I feel the same way about my uBPD H.  After more than 20 years of marriage, and knowing he is BPD, I feel very little for my H.  I care for him as a person, but I see him as a pathetic emotional, angry child lashing out at me.  I have no more respect for him as a man or a husband. 

I also feel the way you do about your H.  I secretly rejoice to hear of one of his mis fortunes, or that of one of his uBPD and uNPD children. 

You are becoming angry now that you are aware of your H's mistreatment of you.  This is normal.  Please read this is Bancroft's, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"  Anger over abuse is normal and will help you move forward. 

Hi Ff,
You words are sobering but likely true. Be that as it may, the bitcoins are not the only reason for staying. It is my codependency on him that I took for love when I was young. I did not have healthy and consistent relationships with either of my parents. When he came into my life, and stayed, for the first time I felt that I was getting an approximation of what family is supposed to look like. Then, we tripped the wire. His poor coping skills and my trauma’s exploded in turbulent marriage. I don’t blame all on him, it’s both of us. Actually, there are five of us in this marriage. Me and my mom, him and his mom, and his bpd. Alone, neither of those present risk significant to impact or end the relationships. Together it’s hard to maintain

I'm sure you have secondary and tertiary reasons for staying.  I get it these things are complex. 

What's important for you to understand is that over a period of many months you thought through your reasons and picked finding (and getting) the Bitcoin as your primary reason.  Specifically rejecting other well thought through avenues for your and your children's life.

You've thought it through, now carry out your plan and experience the rewards of the detailed planning you have done.

Best,

FF