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I'm going through a divorce with my uBPDw.  We have four kids ages 9-15.  I moved out and I have had them over at my apartment several times, but she won't allow them to be there overnight and I'm batting that in court.  She has poisoned them against me.  The won't talk to me anymore, they tell me they hate me, and it feels like she has them on the offensive for her.  They are looking for evidence that I'm a bad guy. 

Well I guess, they convinced themselves enough.  I found out there's an investigation with the Department of Children and Family Services.  I don't know exactly what was reported, but I can tell you nothing inappropriate happened between me and my kids.  It's a smear tactic for her to "win" the divorce. 

While I'm confident in that the truth will clear this up, I'm not confident that the truth will be uncovered.  She seems to have the kids convinced they are in danger with me and they see everything I do as putting them in danger.  For example, I had a wood project I was going to finish in polyurethane with my 10 year old.  I put a plastic sheet on the table and we started working on the project.  My 12 year old started video taping it narrating that we are messing with chemicals on the surface which we prepare and eat food.

I have not been contacted by DCFS yet.  I don't know what to do.  I want to protect my kids, but she seems to be hell bent on "winning" whatever you want to call this.  I'm struggling to wonder if fighting for my kids is really in their best interest.  She does a good job of taking care of the kids on many respects.  As long as she sees me as her enemy, she leaves the kids alone.  However, the more I fight for them the more she uses them against me, which hurts them to, even if they don't know it yet.  I can't help but wonder if I just stop fighting, will she stop weaponizing them.  Are they better off if I just let them go, but remain open to them coming back when/if they choose to because fighting the legal battle only seems to make things worse.  I feel like she would damage them psychologically to whatever extent she has to, to defeat me.  If I just forfeit, maybe she'll leave them alone.

You want to be able to say to your childrenn, some day in their future when they have a better and more objective view of their mother, that you did everything you possibly could do to spend time with you and provide a healthy family relationship with them. They may not know how what you are doing --later they need to know you fought for them.

So no, don't give up time or custody thinking it will make it easier on them. They need you.

Hi Wilkinson,

It sounds like you are experiencing parental alienation tactics.  You do not want to give up your time with your kids.  My Partner experienced it as well during his divorce.  Spending time with your kids is important to counter acting the affects.

I was actually just reading this article from Psychologytoday a few days ago on Parental Alienation and thought it was pretty good. Here's a link if you want to check it out... https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201909/parental-alienation-what-therapists-need-know

There is a link within that article to a PDF about 17 parental alienation strategies and  some ways the targeted parent can respond.  Your 12 year old recording at your home and reporting back to mom is one of these strategies. 

Here is a link from this site on Parental Alienation as well... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=104479.0

My partner experienced the kids spying and reporting back to mom, the kids refusing to see him, the kids making false allegations of abuse...it's very tough to deal with.  I would definitely talk with your attorney about the DCFS accusations. 

Panda39

"Divorce Poison" is a must read for anyone who has the other parent turning the children against them.

Yes, and also the work of Dr. Craig Childress, as well as Bill Eddy's "Don't Alienate the Kid's".

Man I miss my kids so much.  Since she filed the report with DCFS, she won't let me take the kids because she says they aren't safe with me and will only do so once the pending investigation from DCFS is over. 

This Sunday it will have been three weeks since I last got to spend time with my kids.  My lawyer is reaching out to the clerk's office to coordinate a date for setting a petition for temporary relief for custody.  Who knows how long that will take.  A week from Saturday my oldest has his first Homecoming and I don't know if I'll get to see or talk to him.

She blocked me from the family calendar so, "I couldn't use it to stalk them," using the calendar and she could feel safe. 

Have you made contact with DCFS? Are under any sort of restrictions from them?

The day after I found out she called DCFS, I contacted the office and left a message with the investigator.  That would have been on an Thursday.  Monday, the investigator called me to ask what happened during the alleged incidences.  Today is Thursday. 

The investigator said they did not put any restrictions in place for the investigation, but told my wife when she asked, she will have to do whatever she things is right.  She thinks, I should not see my kids.

The Saturday after she told me she called DCFS, I went to pick up my kids because I was supposed to have them for that weekend.  When I rang the door bell, she got upset and just said, "NO".  Shut the blinds and must have taken everyone to a different floor.  I sat on the porch for a while.  Rang the door bell maybe two more times.  Tried calling her a few times and texting.  Eventually the police showed up.  There is no court order for or against me seeing the kids so they didn't have anything to enforce.

Hang in there.  Seems like big control tactic.

Best,

FF