BPDFamily.com

Good grief. BPDD(19) has hit the roof 5 times today. She can go from laughing at Snapchat faces she is making and sending and calling me descriptive swears that will curl your hair in the span of a second.

She tells me what a horrible selfish mother I am, how I let her be abused her whole life, that now since I’m back from 3 months in hospital after being critically injured that I’m not a mother and I don’t properly love her.

She has said she is too afraid to commit suicide and I believe her but if I engage with her in the Red Zone it will escalate. Thankfully I am not taking the bait today. I know her triggers are the birthday, her lack of friends, her depression, a breeze from the east and the cats footsteps three floors away.

We all have hard, I didn’t craft hard for her and throw her in it. Everyone who knows us says I did everything I could.

Birthdays and holidays can be especially triggering for my DD19. It’s when her expectations collide with her stark reality. Actually, I suffer during Christmas for the same reason. The reality of the day never comes close to what I create in my dreamscape. If you can, stick to simply validating the emotion and go back to your safe zone. The hardest part for me is not judging and not offering advice or solutions. This is academy award winning mothering for sure!

I would never have thought her own birthday would set her off. You are right, we need to perform for the kids. I have finally given up envy of parents whose kids are “normal”. I consider that progress. Of course, she turns 20 soon, so I’m not mother of a kid anymore.

Good grief this is the hardest thing I’ve had to endure, alone, for decades.

Thank you. Your words were a life line.

LolaB
You are on a tough journey all right. We all are. But I see some real strength in you that tells me you will make it. Your sense of humor is great. You had me laughing with the "breeze from the east and cat's footsteps" remark. I love that you have already overcome feelings of jealousy over parents with "normal'" children. I am not there yet. Maybe you can give me pointers. You are also deeply compassionate and yes, you have done your best as a mother. BPD rants are not objective reviews of our parenting. So where do you want to go from here? What is your next step?

Faith,

Where next? That question is a bit existential. I will go with Bagel Store. That may actually happen. I had big dreams and lofty plans and along with giving up jealousy over lovely mother-child moments I have accepted that being clean and getting necessary things accomplished in her presence is the new black.

I may write a snarky book in a pseudonym about this to humanize all parties and blow off steam. Even my dream of being published might get overshadowed by this phenomenon. Maybe I will include that concept in the book.

There i go again. She hates it when I blue sky, and it is my occupation. Oh no... she’s up. It begins.

Lola,
I adore the idea of a snarky book. I’ve actually been planning my own-full of irony with a lot of existentialism, irony and jaw dropping, knock your socks off reality. I thought I could weave in and out between my dreamscape, my defeated perfectionism, my horrible use of sarcasm and the nutty reality that is my life with 4 struggling young adult kids here in my home. I was thinking about using some kind of title that was “holiday themed” as literally 90% of any celebratory day over the last 5 years has had a major crisis attached to it. I’m chiming in her bc I appreciate using wit during a crisis. You are funny.
I have to be very careful using it around DD who does not appreciate my sense of humor if she’s even a tiny bit dysregulated. I keep my satire to myself mostly.
Hang in there and don’t let her pull you into the mud.

Sounds good. Bring me a pumpernickel with lox and cream cheese. Take care of yourself.

Peace, Faith, anyone getting a kick out of our sharing, that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? Failed perfectionism. Bullseye. Wow is that insightful. 4 YA kids at home? Olympic Gold to you my friend. And a scale that always registers you 10 pounds less.

 I’m probably repeating myself now but I was nearly killed in a car wreck under two years ago and I have unique perspective on why we are all here. 

On the other side, we are all one. When we come to earth, I think the point is to experience separateness but for me it is to reconnect with as many souls as I can until god finally lets me back home. That’s just my writer’s version of what “the other side” is. It isn’t about how it looks. It’s about how it feels. Like home. Like love.

I now have a family of clever parents of BPD kids I wouldn’t have had if this wasn’t my trial. I’m grateful for you. Be comforted. I’m praying for you and I know The Guy.

Lola
I am another one who is convinced that all souls are connected including the hurting souls of people with BPD. When my son's life became horrible I cried out to God "Why me?" and felt the answer that loving him through his journey is part of my journey. I can't imagine everything you go through with your daughter and your own health but I can imagine a lot of it and I feel empathy toward you. Many of us do. We are here. We are connected.
Hugs
Faith

I know The Guy too and I’m praying for your weekend w/DD. You, too Faith and your DS. This journey is just a hair short of impossible, but I wear miracle googles all day everyday and I do see them -everyday!

Thank you for your prayers Peacemom
 I like what you said about this journey being a hairsbreadth from impossible. We get through it by God's grace.

Lola, I pray for you and your daughter too.

Many thanks to the wonderful parents on here and adding their insight. First of all, a holiday-themed book about your family insanity is brilliant (PeaceMom?)! Don’t tell anyone else and just write it.

The truth is that is must be very hard to live trapped in an acutely sensitive body. Hurt or bad feelings are as painful as physiologic pain, it just can’t be measured yet. There will be treatments for this someday and meanwhile there is patience, love, faith, and bonding with other families. If we make those things our goals, life won’t hurt us so much. At least it won’t hurt for me so much.

I have a suggested title for your book... Merry &~@$ Christmas From the (last name)

Lola, that title is just right! I’ll get busy with my notecards. I kinda picture it like the Erma Bombeck of mental health struggles.

I thought about you writing how terrible it would be to live in their worlds, Dr. Shari Manning explains about their compromised bodies due to the stress and how it manifests in illnesses. She says PwBPD tend to live with a lot of physical pain that most folks around them aren’t even aware of.

Reading that was another lightbulb moment for me bc DD19 just seems sickly a lot of the time. When she was 17 she was in the E.R. 4 times one summer for horrible unexplained body aches. We thought she had lupus, but she didn’t. It was heartbreaking because she went from being a gymnast and competitive cheerleader to a teenager that was in bed for an entire summer. She has never gotten back that athletic ability. 

Sad stuff and I’m sure many have seen the toll this PD takes on their physical health.