|
Title: The unsent letter, Part 2 Post by: AskingWhy on September 29, 2019, 03:02:27 PM This is from another thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339616.0 This is yet another unsent letter to my uBPD H. Dear uBPD H: You don't seem to understand your abuse of me is getting our marriage nowhere. When we married, I was under the impression that I was to be your life partner. All of your children were under five when we married. I had no idea they were to be the central focus of your life. I expected to be your significant other, not just a source for s*x while all of your love, attention and resources were lavished on your children. Within a few years, I knew "something" was wrong in the marriage. My own FOO, with a uBPD parent, kept me in the dark about what was normal or not. So here I am, 20 years into the marriage, and totally aware of what your rages, withholding affection, control and emotional abuse mean. You children were the recipients of very costly gifts (including your S's numerous bouts of in-patient rehab) while I received afterthoughts of trin kets and crumb gifts. Know this: I am not in a position now to divorce your, nor can I control that one day you will make good on your countless divorce threats over the years. (I am preparing for this by consulting a lawyer.) All I know is that I am angry at all the hurt and misery you have caused me over the years. Anger, as we know from Lundy Bancroft, is a result of awakening to the abuse, and a beginning of change in the abused partner. (Moving on, divorce, or coping.) You have name called, threatened divorce on an almost weekly basis, preferred your adult children over me, pouted and given the silent treatment, and withheld love over the years. I went from love (being love bombed by you, I thought you love me), to confusion and hurt, to anger and now awakening. I want you to know I really don't feel much for your any more. If some misfortune befalls you, I am indifferent to it. Had a hard day at work. Meh. Daughter not get the job promotion? Gee, what a shame. Grandchildren suspended from school of emotional dysregulation problems? Whatever. I am no longer invested in our R/S. Anything you say to me (threats, hate speech or words of "love") really does not affect me any more. Again, whatever. Whatever. Whatever. I loved you once. Or, at least, I loved the person who presented yourself to be. I believed you wanted me as a life mate, a helper, a soul mate. Now I am only a source of income, a source of s*x when you want it, and a punching bag for the rage you still feel for your adulterous uNPD X W. Not surprisingly, I am depressed. I don't do much around the house in the way of housework, I find it hard to sleep, and when I do, I want to sleep all day. Thank goodness I have a T to help me move forward and keep my chin up. I hope you are happy in the abuse your adult children heap on your. They can't even be bothered to remember fathers day or your birthday with more than a phone call as an afterthought. Considering each of them benefited from your love and income when their mother kicked them out, one by one as they turned 18, and they came to live with us. They made my life living H@ll. Most of all, thought, I am angry at myself for not leaving you early in our marriage. I am angry that I did not see the R/S for what it was thanks to having a uBPD parent. All I can do now is know my eyes are open to the dynamics of life with you due to your uBPD, your dysfunctional FOO (uNPD/BPD F, codependent M) and your dysfunctional children. I stand back and watch them all suffer from the consequences of their behaviour and life choices (abusing partners, drug abuse/alcohol, for just a few). I am amused by it all. The hurt you caused me is really being paid back now in the pain you see in your children and grandchildren. In fact, I bet myself, to myself, on the outcome of each of these actions. I am not often wrong in my predictions. Life had a way of leveling things out for everyone. Sincerely, AW Title: Re: The unsent letter, Part 2 Post by: Cat Familiar on September 30, 2019, 01:55:22 PM Why aren't you in a position to divorce him? What would need to happen to be in that position?
Title: Re: The unsent letter, Part 2 Post by: Lucky Jim on September 30, 2019, 04:35:03 PM Hey AW, Why do you stay? Presumably because you get something out of it, or at least it's familiar?
What is it about the prospect of change that frightens you? You seem paralyzed by your situation. I know these are hard questions. Fill us in, when you can. LuckyJim Title: Re: The unsent letter, Part 2 Post by: Red5 on October 01, 2019, 11:46:42 AM Hello AW : )
… to quote one of my youtube "favs"… she says about the letters we write… "no hun, don't EVER send them, no… you trot it out back to the bar-be-q… read it out loud one time… and then BURN IT!… let the flames and the smoke cleanse you, and carry it away"… I like that… Please take good care now AskingWhy… and keep posting, get it out~> Kind Regards, Red5 Title: Re: The unsent letter, Part 2 Post by: AskingWhy on October 05, 2019, 04:40:22 PM Thank you all, again.
Leaving, at this point, would be complicated. A lot has to do with finances. And this is never easy. I have to just hunker down in a safe cave and deal with this until I choose to do something. Leaving a pwBPD is never easy. |