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Title: What do you say when your SO won't stop blaming you for her behavior? Post by: Olaf on September 29, 2019, 09:17:43 PM I'm trying not to take it personally, to admit my faults, to partially agree. I've read Walking on Eggshells trying to use SET and DEARMAN, but I'm totally at a loss. She won't stop saying I drove her to do these things (extremely dangerous behavior and drinking) and I have to stop triggering her.
She won't accept that I'm trying. She says I'm not making a safe environment for her. I keep trying to move out but she says that only I can help her. She says she not in control after she is triggered. But random things trigger her at random times. I think I am developing second-hand BPD because now my distress tolerance is near zero. When I say I need a break because its too much, she says I'm being defensive and nothing is ever resolved because I won't take responsibility for myself. How do you say "Please stop I'm at my breaking point!" without that being another trigger? Title: Re: What do you say when your SO won't stop blaming you for her behavior? Post by: MrsDarling on September 30, 2019, 11:54:42 PM Olaf you don’t need her permission to live your life without her drama. You can’t control whether she uses your leaving as a trigger or not. And your staying is also leading her blaming you as a trigger. You can’t avoid her blaming you. So you might as well do what you need to do to take care of YOURSELF.
I need to share a famous Mary Oliver poem here. One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice -- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voice behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life that you could save. Mary Oliver The Journey |