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Title: Contact or no contact with ex-BPD girlfriend Post by: bded on October 01, 2019, 10:03:56 AM Hi All
I broke up with my girlfriend in June, not because I don't love her, but because the relationship was destroying us both. The first 5 months was ok, we had occasional problems, but the second 5 months got progressively worse, she had frequent crisis and the stress of seeing her self-harm and attempt suicide was affecting my health and was a serious concern to her family as well. I'm pleased to say that since we broke up she has improved a lot and is now much more stable. She is living with her family again and is receiving good quality regular therapy and she seems much like the girl I fell in love with a year ago. However, we still have problems because she wants us to get back together but I keep telling her no because I am scared that the relationship will turn bad like before. I love her and I want her in my life but I'm not convinced that it will be any different if we get back together and I think it would be irresponsible to enter another relationship if I'm not 100% confident. She says I am playing with her emotions and I don't want to do that. I thought that we could remain friends and I could help her recover and control her disorder but now I worry that I am actually making things worse. Consequently these doubts are also causing me stress. I would be grateful for any advice. Should I break off all contact or can I remain part of her life and help her in some way? Thanks in advance Title: Re: Contact or no contact with ex-BPD girlfriend Post by: once removed on October 01, 2019, 05:34:35 PM hi bdad,
its a complex question you ask, that largely depends on what your goals are. i agree with you that it would not be a good idea to reenter the relationship if you dont have a solid sense of how (and what) things would be different. limited or controlled contact has worked well for lots of people who are trying to detach. it takes a lot of strength and commitment. the idea would be to slowly dial back the frequency of contact, and the emotional nature of it...change the relationship, slowly, to something more low key; and possibly (should you decide to) ultimately, fade away. if you go this route, she may sense you pulling back, and she may lash out, or accuse you of playing with her emotions, or of ditching her, or whatever; she may look for an emotional reaction or reassurance. Excerpt She says I am playing with her emotions and I don't want to do that. I thought that we could remain friends and I could help her recover and control her disorder but i think that the bottom line is really resolving whether you are done, or would to reconcile the relationship. as a former romantic partner, it is very difficult to be in the position of emotional caretaker. our article on Surviving a Breakup with someone with BPD speaks to this: Excerpt 9) Belief that you need to stay to help them. You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this. We also need to question our own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type of “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible. Title: Re: Contact or no contact with ex-BPD girlfriend Post by: bded on October 02, 2019, 07:47:30 AM Thanks once removed, that was very helpful
I think subconsciously I may be guilty of "well intentioned" manipulation. We have mutual friends and hang out at the same bars etc and I don't want to lose those things so it would be easier for me if we could remain friends but I realise now that that benefits me more than her. I think the best thing I can do is avoid contact with her and give us both a chance to heal and move on. Title: Re: Contact or no contact with ex-BPD girlfriend Post by: once removed on October 02, 2019, 01:02:11 PM Excerpt We have mutual friends and hang out at the same bars ... I think the best thing I can do is avoid contact with her it may help to do this in a way that doesnt rock the boat too much too soon. the idea is to disentangle a bit emotionally. keep things light (avoid relationship talk), and less emotionally involved. ideally, she will naturally begin to turn her attention elsewhere and lean on others. if she calls you on it, youre confused lately, youre depressed, youre out of sorts, "its me not you", that sort of thing. think slow turkey rather than cold turkey - mitigate potential damage. mutual friends will tend to pick sides. that would only escalate things, and suck all around. if possible, you want to be able to see her at the bar and get along. Title: Re: Contact or no contact with ex-BPD girlfriend Post by: bded on October 03, 2019, 09:52:58 AM Thanks, I will try this
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