BPDFamily.com

I realize this is a strange situation and any input would be appreciated.

Almost 2 years ago, a guy I had a very minor history with in high school contacted me.
We started chatting and it became more "flirty" over time. The intensity was up and down, but over the course of the year, we had spoken for hours and hours and hours and debated meeting in person, etc. We never did actually meet, although it was clear there was a connection between us. I had suspected he suffered from BPD for quite some time, and he confirmed it at one point.
Anyway over the summer (2018), things got particularly heated one night and a few days after that he abruptly blocked me on text message. No explanation whatsoever. I was confused to say the least... .Fast forward 2 months (Now mid-Sept 2018) and he texts me a bunch of apologies and basically says he wants more, etc and starts talking about getting me pregnant. At first, obviously I was really pissed off, but I chalked it up to his illness and we started speaking again. Although, I heavily implied that if he ever pulled that again, it would be the end of it.
Then come October 2018, he had become increasingly non responsive again, although I was not blocked. Of course, I thought disaster had struck and I became somewhat nervous. I called him from a friends phone and when he heard my voice he hung up right away. I texted him immediately saying "dont ever text/call me again."

Resurfaces in December 2018 telling me he has been in rehab and accuses me of a bunch of crap I never did.
Like an idiot I resume the way we were before. Fast forward to January of this year (2019) and we have an argument because I feel he was crossing boundaries and not being respectful (sexually). He freaks out and tells me to delete his contact info, etc. I was so stunned I had no idea what to say. The next day I text him and I really let him have it. I was pretty mean and then I blocked him. Again fast forward a few months (now end of March 2019) and I start feeling guilt and regret. I unblock and message him saying no hard feelings. No response.

I reach out again last month and this time I'm blocked (3rd time being blocked). At the same time I hear through the grapevine that he's back in rehab.

I'm a little shocked at his behavior and not really sure how to proceed- if at all. Is this typical with BPD? Is it just always this cycle over and over? Is there even a point to trying again? I had hoped we could at least be friends and feel badly about what I said- even though I was truly pushed to my limit. TIA.

its the cycle of conflict between the two of you.

you are both reactive. you each keep telling each other "thats it" in dramatic fashion. but it doesnt sound like either of you mean it.

its important to understand that there was likely significant damage done in texting him andreally letting him have it, and blocking him (i understand that isnt all there is to this, but it was the last punch thrown).

can this be repaired? will he reach out?

maybe. if hes in rehab, he is probably pretty preoccupied. unblocking him and apologizing was a good move, perhaps all you could do. it may plant a seed, and its possible he will reach out when things clear up, and its also possible that he wont.

i think the question is, what will happen when/if he does? in what ways are you prepared to approach things differently? are you confident things can get on a healthier, more sustainable trajectory?

What a thoughtful reply. Thanks.
What is the thought process in your experience with this blocking thing? Is is just they hate us that much or is there some sort of deeper meaning behind it (ie too heavy for them etc)

I truly meant it when I said I was done- this man has pushed me to my limit more then I described here. However, I’m sad to think I would never talk to him again and I’m not sure what if anything to do...

Any thoughts? Thanks so much.

it could be tit for tat, ie you blocked him, so hes blocking you back; it has been a go to for both of you so it may be more of that.

its hard to say. generally speaking, if youre blocked, it means things are pretty icy. it means a person is putting up walls or barriers. the best thing we can do is acknowledge that, and not push.

sometimes, the ice can thaw.

It’s been about 8 months. Does that mean there’s no hope?
I have heard as I mentioned - from a reliable source- that he’s in a long term residential type thing.

Thanks again 

i think it depends on what you have hope in. is there hope that he will ever contact you? i dont think its out of the realm of the possible. ive had people that ive fallen out with reach out to me years after the fact.


i suspect that this occupies a lot of his attention. when a person gets sober, their entire lifestyle can revolve around it for a while.

 A few other things to note...

1)I'm not single and perhaps this complicates things (feelings got involved on both ends)
2) he has a history of blocking/unblocking me (but never this long without contact, although circumstances mentioned above)
3) Should I even bother trying again? I know it's not malicious on his part... Yet, I feel that makes me seem like a sucker.

I'm honestly traumatized to some degree over this.

does he know youre not single? were you not single at the time?


it really depends on what you would want to say. youve apologized, and opened the door. sometimes, letting that simmer is the best we can do. are you talking about a last ditch effort that leaves things in his hands? what would you want to say?

I was not single then and I am not single now. I know this is coming into play somehow. Things got too intense (both of us).
I guess I would just say that id like to end on better terms? I hope he is ok, even though I know I shouldn't care after everything he has pulled.

Is this typical? It seems so unreal.

it does complicate things.

if hes addressing his sobriety, he may feel some shame over pursuing someone who was (is) in a relationship. he may feel that its not a healthy road to reestablish things.


if this is your goal, a number of us have sent a final last ditch effort, to say our piece. if you want to share here what youd like to say, we can give you feedback. i think its important to be prepared in the event that there is no response. a sort of, closure, no expectations, kind of thing.

He knew the entire time. He contacted me years after high school, he brought it to the level that it was at.
He did this repeatedly and told me that he had thought about it (me) for years prior. As I mentioned we had a very minor thing in high school. Very minor.
Either way though, would it really hurt to just clear the air? I mean it doesnt have to be a sexual thing.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out if he just hates me now because of what I said (calling him out, etc) or its just a painful avoidance type situation... Is that just wishful thinking?

its very hard to say. letting him have it and blocking him could have been the last straw in a complicated situation. or it could be something that he isnt prepared, emotionally, to deal with right now.


it really depends on what you want to say, and what your expectations are.

I would say that I am regretful (not sorry necessarily) about the way things went down.
That I feel badly and hope he is doing ok, and I'm around if he wants to chat. Reasonable right?

i think so.

Thanks
Since I assume you’ve seen plenty of this on the board,
Any thoughts on what may happen?

And isn’t the very nature of this disorder that nothing is permanent?

the very nature of this disorder is that human nature still applies.

people with bpd traits are just like you and me; do and say everything we do, just in greater extremes.


you can only know if you try. i think that it will tell him youd like to be in touch. the rest is really up to him.

i would go into it with low or no expectations. say it to just say your piece and for closure.

Unfortunately as of last month I was blocked
Typically this is because the person with bpd hates u?
Or is there more to it? I know there’s no way to tell for sure
Last question I swear! :)

Also if he is in some residential thing I don’t know what the phone/email situation would be

i dont think this is a bpd thing. i think its something the two of you have been doing to each other, on and off.

that might mean that eventually he will unblock you. its hard to say.


there isnt a limit here in terms of questions or posts. i would encourage you to focus though; learn about BPD, yes, but more importantly, how things would be different if the two of you were in contact.

if the two of you ran into the same old conflict, would it be handled in the same old way?

if youre not single, would it complicate your relationship?

Just to clarify I only blocked him the one time. In fact it was the first time I had blocked anybody ever
He has done the block/unblock on and off..::