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Title: Available Resources? Post by: Spindle0516 on October 03, 2019, 06:35:56 PM :hi: :help:
My Mother in Law currently lives with my husband and I. We have struggled with her for a few years- she has a significant history of trauma and abuse, so we have worked really hard to provide a home where she feels safe. We have urged her to seek help from a professional to help her process and cope with her history, but she has been very reluctant to do so. She has gone to see two people and always finds a way to discontinue seeing these people within a month or two. My husband and I finally spoke to a therapist ourselves because it has become difficult to manage and she suggested my MIL has BPD. I've posted on here before that this suggestion was a relief to learn about. This was about a month or two ago and my husband and I have been talking to the therapist and each other about ways to place appropriate boundaries and create a new structure for our relationship with her. We know that this is going to be difficult, especially for my husband, who has to relearn how to interact with her without enabling her behavior to continue. One of the rules that we plan on putting in place is that she needs to seek consistent professional help if she wants to continue to live with us. We are currently working on a way to have the BPD diagnosis presented to her. We believe that it is our best chance to have her get help. I know many people are often in denial about their own diagnosis and claim that there is nothing wrong with them, however we do not believe this will be her reaction. She has always had a sense that there "was something off" and my husband and I think she will feel a sense of relief. She has never been able to identify or control her mood and she is often overwhelmed by how she feels. If anything, wme believe that she will swing hard in the opposite direction- that she will feel she has a reason to behave as she does, that she really is helpless, and that no amount of professional help will make a difference. We believe she will use this as a reason to require living with us indefinitely, but it will also be compounded with feelings of guilt. Her daughter (my sister in law) also has BPD, a history of trauma and addiction. (Thankfully, my husband was spared the brunt of all of that as he was so young at the time.) If we are able to talk to her about how BPD could explain a lot of what she has struggled with and that there are specific types of therapy for just BPD, we think that may be just enough to convince her. (Hopefully?) This is really a long winded way of me asking if there are good reading materials available for us to give her as we have these conversations? She is overwhelmed easily, so I think something very simple and concise would be best for her. It takes her a while to process things, so some kind of reference for her to look at would be amazing. Also, does anyone have experience supporting their partners as they go through this process? I know that this diagnosis has been somewhat of a relief for him. My mother in law has always tried to be a good mom and has always tried to put her children first in everything she did, but BPD explains a lot of the obstacles that my partner faced growing up. I am trying to be super supportive and patient because I had a very different childhood than he did and do not understand completely what it is like to walk with your mom through this process. I know that this has been tough and I am curious what else I can do to ensure my husband really knows that he is not alone in this. Title: Re: Available Resources? Post by: Turkish on October 03, 2019, 09:22:08 PM Hi Spindle,
It sounds very stressful living with her, I've been where you are at. While your intentions are good, and "your home, your rules" is a valid view, placing a condition on her likely won't go over well. She'll likely respond in ways driven by the core shame common to pwBPD ("I'm defective, I'm unlovable, my feelings don't matter and I don't matter!"). Everyone in the home might become even more frustrated and hurt. We have a feature article that goes into much more detail: Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy) Excerpt Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen. Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust. It's not like a broken leg where the affliction is tangible, the cure is tangible, and the stigma nonexistent. While we are grateful to learn about the disorder and the pathways to recovery - for us the information is validating and represents a potential solution to our family problems- to the afflicted, it is shaming (you are defective), stigmatizing (mental illness in general, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically), and puts all the responsibility for the family problems on the loved one's shoulders. I didn't present "getting help" as conditional to my ex (who was still living with us at the time, but on her way to moving out), and she turned it back on me, that was "throwing her 'sickness'" in her face. You could continue to encourage her to seek help, but I wouldn't mention BPD. Many members here have done so (including me before i landed here) and in almost all cases, it doesn't go over well. |