BPDFamily.com

Hello over on this board. It’s my first time over reading thru. You all have popped over on the children w/BPD board and encouraged me so I wanted to jump in here. I see that you all five deep into your own feelings and struggles here. Over there it’s mainly coaching for our nutty daily lives with BPD kids.

Ok so it’s recently hit me that I’ve been having emotional flashbacks (based on Walker’s C-ptsd work). I assumed that this was only related to the last 5 years of sheer insanity with my 4 struggling young adults kids who have been thru hell and back. However, it just hit me that maybe I’ve been having weird flashbacks forever? Not just over 5 years.

Ok so that led me back to Walker’s work where he says you must turn shame to blame and get out of Freeze mode and into Fight mode against the abuser. Well, that’s where I’ve dismissed any PTSD, child of a narcissist, child of a drug addicted dad (that’s true but he was lovely) speculation. So, I was letting that stew around when I discovered the work of Dr. Jonice Webb who created the term CEN “Childhood Emotional Neglect”. BINGO! I think that’s me! I’m actually beyond excited.

She says this is an unseen problem that is completely unknown to both the child and parent yet have long lasting damaging effects. She defines 12 types of parents one subtype is the totally well meaning yet struggling parent who simply never checked in with their kid on an emotional level (Hello that’s me!)

She has a 1 min quiz with 23 questions and I answeredYes to 19 of them. I’m actually so pleased to have a name for what’s been nameless in my life. Now the repair work begins. And the best part is I don’t have to “Fight” my 80 yr old sweet, kinda self absorbed, clueless, loving mom.

If this isn’t appropriate as a comment on this thread please let me know.

Can anyone relate?

I can relate. There was a bit more chaos in my house when I was a kid, I would not say that my childhood was "loving", but there was no physical abuse or sexual abuse like some here experienced. For a while I did not realize that what I did experience was emotional neglect (there was some verbal and emotional abuse, but the neglect was the main "theme", I guess you could say). When I did realize it, I minimized it in comparison to some of the stories I have read about others who had it way worse than I.

I didn't realize just how much of an impact emotional neglect can have. I don't think my parents (or sister, who actually raised me) did it purposely. They all had their own issues and dysfunctional behavior and coping skills, and it affected me.

I looked up some of the articles by Dr Webb, and what I read really hit home for me.

Hi PeaceMom and welcome to the PSI community :hi:

A very old parrot once said that no matter where you start out at, in the end all roads lead to PSI :hug:


I am glad you finding the work of Dr. Webb has led to new insights about yourself and what you've been through. What are the main areas you think need repair? In what ways do you feel you've been affected by the way your mother treated you?


I think 'fight mode' does not necessarily refer to literally or actively fighting the abuser in the real or physical world. It does refer to asserting oneself and setting boundaries to protect and preserve our own well-being.

Turning 'shame into blame' I would see more as an internal process in which you counteract the negative ways you've been affected and in your own mind talk back to an internalized negative or critical inner voice. The real fight for our healing takes place within our own mind, heart and soul.

The Board Parrot

IAmR (btw, I am, too!).

My house was quiet because it was just me and my little brother. Mom was working, Dad left when I was small. I was too young to be home alone and it created a lot of fear in me. Then I was sexually abused by a cousin and 2 neighbor boys. Ugh -don’t like writing that here. Ugh.
After all that, at about age 12, I was fearful about the world.
I never told my mom or dad (or anyone). I suppose I didn’t tell mom because it I felt the typical victim guilt/shame and I also never felt she could really protect me.

My little brother really struggled and was mean and used to try to fight with me so I’d barricade myself in my room and call my mom at her job. That was horrible for her and me.

Yuk. Just writing all this makes me feel like throwing up. I became the kid that was invisible and would dream about horses and owning one. I read like crazy, too. I believe this is Freeze mode, there was no Fleeing, Fighting or Fawning.

I signed up for Dr. Webb’s emails and the one I received this morning is right on point about a 10 yr old girl who’s loving parents had no emotional intelligence. I’m going to get both of her books and see what she suggests as she fully believes great progress can be made.

Kwamina,
I get what you say about the Fight mode being a protective internal mindset, but Walker turned his mental Fight mode against his abusers (his parents). I just can’t do that. If anything I feel deep compassion and pity for both my mom and dad.

I will work to set boundaries for myself fiercely protecting me. This is very difficult when the person who is verbally abusive is DD19 uBPD.  She has a toxic mouth 50% of the time. I flinch and cover my ears like a soldier back from war. My protective boundary is to get the he*l away from her ASAP. Retreat. “Freeze” and withdraw to my room.
My other adult kids living here are not combative but look like deer in the headlights. “Freeze” mode. I’ve trained them well. Dang it.

I may join Dr . Webb’s 5 week class, I gotta make some changes and get my skip back in my step. However, I’m Leary bc I have no references, it’s pricey and it could just be ineffective. 

Any thoughts?

(And I thank you both for batting this junk around with me-it’s lonely in my corner)

Peacemom,

I was the invisible kid, too. I read a whole lot, almost constantly, and I was quiet. I remember taking a trip with a church group and the adults remarking about how I was so quiet they almost forgot I was there, while the other kids were talking nonstop. I was always off in my own world in my own head.

I am so sorry to hear about the sexual abuse you endured, and that you felt that there was no adult you could go to for protection. That's a severe trauma for a child to go through, especially alone. That experience alone is enough for PTSD or C-PTSD. Add to that the emotional neglect, plus your experience with your DD, and it's no wonder you are having symptoms and emotional flashbacks.

We are glad to walk beside you while you work through your past. It's not easy at all. We understand :hug:

I am R,
I appreciate the validation. Probably 60-80% of every female I know has a childhood sexual abuse story so unfortunately it is common. They seem to function much better than me because things haven’t been compounded by wave upon wave of crisis.

In my foo, being “low maintenance” was the most revered quality one could have. I have prided myself on being “low maintenance” my whole life. It’s actually a huge source of pride for me. I silently scoff at “high maintenance” folks. The problem is deep down, I’m actually very needy, but I never let on about that. Being thought of as a burden or the “needy” friend would just about kill me.

Do you feel that way too? This is right out of Dr. Webb’s book.
You are much further down this road than I am. I’m on week one of discovery. What has been the most helpful thing to you in making changes and proudly taking up space on this planet?

Hi PeaceMom and welcome!   :hi:  I'm glad you joined us here. 

One thing I think a lot of people do not realize is just how damaging emotional abuse/neglect can be.  I was sexually, verbally, emotionally and mentally abused and I can tell you it is the mind games and emotional abuse that have been the hardest to deal with and have left the deepest scars.  Many people who experienced physical abuse say the same.  The unspoken and unseen abuse is so hard to identify and combat and heal from.

Yes, he did turn it against his parents.  that is not a solution for everyone.  Like you, I did not, at least not intentionally.  I was angry though, very angry and knew no healthy ways to process it.  Even looking back now, I am not sure I could have worked through my anger any differently even with the tools I have now that zI did not have then.  I do think that the battle is and even must be more of an internal one like Kwamina stated.  As angry as I was outwardly with my parents, it was what was going on inside of me that I had to handle.  My last T once asked me about my anger.  I think she thought I was holding it back but I wasn't.  Don't get me wrong, i still get angry about things but it is more in check, less of a rage now.  I never felt the need to confront them.  It was more important for me to know and accept my perceptions and reject the lies and distortions they viewed our relationship through.  Anyway, I think we can all handle the anger and how we process things differently.   If it works for you and is healthy, then do what is right for you.  errmmm... went off on a tangent there.  :)

I can very much relate to this.  I do not like being needy or helpless but the fact is, sometimes I am.  I pushed a lot of people away for a very long time while being independent and competent.  Now things have changed for me and it is a struggle.  It is humbling to admit I need help and even harder to accept it.  Fortunately I have had a lot of practice these last several years.  it is still a battle though.  All that to say, I think it takes a lot of strength to reach out on the childrens board and to come over here and get the support you need.

Well done PeaceMom.

Let us know how you do with the material on CEN.  I had not heard of it before you mentioned it.

Peacemom,

I very much hate the idea of being high maintenance. I have always been secretly needy, very insecure, but I don't push others to meet my needs. I abhor the thought of putting someone out or causing an inconvenience for someone.

My ex used to call me high maintenance, which was so ironic to me because he was extremely high maintenance while I was the total opposite. Projection, I guess. It really ticked me off, though, because I hated the idea that he saw me that way when I worked very hard to not be anything close to that.

I grew up learning that I was part of the background, not the main attraction. I would never presume that someone would put up with me if I were high maintenance, so I tried to be the helpful one instead. I still do.

I think one of the most helpful things for me has been the ability to trace the roots of some of my "automatic feelings". Some of my recurrent emotions in many situations are guilt, shame, and fear. Tracing the roots of those feelings has helped me to identify the negative core messages that I learned in childhood. Once I realize what negative core message is driving my current thoughts and emotions, I can consciously choose to counteract that message. Many times these thoughts are part of the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking. I can identify the problem thought and give myself a statement to say over and over that counteracts that thinking.

IAR,
I’ve started Dt. Webb’s CEN book and she has pages of different emotions listed that she wants readers to start identifying with. She has daily emotional logs (3 times daily). Learning to identify and name complex emotions was never taught in my house so I am very immature in my emotional intelligence. I simply use “sad, scared, anxious, happy”.

I’m going to start the Name it, Claim It, and Explain it plan.
(Ha! I made that up to help me). I’ll let you know how this goes.

I’m seeing that my parents had zero emotional intelligence so I’m reparenting myself starting today.

Thanks for being here with me:)

 :hi: Peacemom

I'm glad you decided to come on over  :hug:


I too had this realization, it is very weird right? I thought I was stressed, i am i guess but i did not realise that i was having flashbacks until I read about them In Pete's book. I was suddenly overcome with a lot of understanding of my own reactions and why they were happening. Now I'm no expert, I'm new to this myself, I'm just trying to let you know that you are not alone here and like yourself, this is all fairly new to me.


I can believe that, all of it. I think part of the dysfunction is not seeing that its present to begin with. How can we fix things we cannot see? I think that's how a place like this is of huge benefit. To talk to others who can relate is a fantastic and very validating resource. I have said some pretty crazy things here (in my opinion) and have been met with acceptance, knowledge and power. Dont be afraid to share, to get it off your shoulders feels amazing, especially when we are not judged or ridiculed.

LT.