BPDFamily.com

I am constantly being told I'm the problem because all I do is criticize her.
I can't make ANY suggestion without her responding, "Do you think I'm stupid?" There have actually been a couple of instances where I knew she was doing something that would end up badly but I kept quiet to avoid the conflict.

Our latest fight --- she's an hourly employee --- she will regularly work thru her hour lunch without pay or clock out but work an extra hour without pay. I told her it was not fair; that she should be paid for every hour she works. She said I was not being supportive of her in her career (receptionist)(ironically she has a Masters Degree in Psychology). She's obsessed with trying to convince her new boss, who's an extreme Narcissist, that she is a valuable employee.

It's to the point now where I am afraid to talk to her about ANYTHING. If I try to discuss our relationship she immediately gets loud and starts spewing stuff from decades ago.

I have read some of the suggestions on how to validate and communicate with a person with BPD. I have actually tried to stay calm and centered and approach her this way when she rages. It infuriates her more and she won't stay on one issue at a time.

If she's already raging, it's too late.  Validation is for the times when she is NOT raging.  Boundaries and taking a break are for the rage periods and silent treatment. 

By the time her teapot has boiled over, she's not in a rational state of mind at all, and all the validation in the world (usually) can't stop the water from pouring out and scalding everything in its path - which is why you leave her alone then, not to punish her, not to change her, but to protect yourself. 

Here's what I think, when we "Nons" try to help our pwBPD and offer advice: 

We are trying to circumvent a period of upsetness early on.  We know there will be bad emotions from the conclusion of how we see things turning out.  And honestly, there is a bit of selfish motivation in wanting to just stop that train before it derails, because man it would be so nice to not have that much drama. 

Bu doing so IS often very invalidating.  Which triggers feelings of being judged, which means you don't think they are good enough and are going to leave them and they can't manage those feelings and by golly, they're going to show you where YOU'RE the one who's wrong, so take that. 

Triage.  We have to step back and look at what the worst outcomes are and how badly they will affect US, how they will affect the pwBPD and anyone else in the household. 

Decades ago, BPDH stopped going to his college classes.  I'd cajole.  When I was still in school, I did his homework, I wanted him to not fail.  I wanted us both to graduate about the same time, it caused a lot of stress and friction.  finally, I realized I had to just let him fail.  It sucked, but it didn't stop me from graduating.  It didn't stop me from getting a full-time job, and building a career of sorts.  It mostly hurt him, socially, economically (this was both of us, but he's the one who suffers the pangs of not being the main "breadwinner").  He finally decided it was dumb to be paying student loans for an unfinished degree, and went back and finished.  He was working full time by then, and it took about 12 long years for him to come around, and decide to get that degree.  I just had to keep mostly quiet and let the horse drink the water in front of it.

BPD makes things a lot like opposite day.  We could have the same idea, but if I mention it first, he suddenly hates something.  There are a few tricks around this, but they mostly involve me not caring too much if we do certain things, or how they are done.  Also, I have a friend who can sometimes be asked to be the "suggester".  Coming from me, the same idea may sound like his mom, his sister, and he has some issues with resenting being told or asked to do things by females.  I get a guy friend to do it, it's a great idea now.

As for working through lunch - here's another story. 

H had some unscrupulous PD-type bosses and a horrible set of coworkers.  He routinely got stuck working more than 40 hours a week, but was never given overtime.  He was "allowed" to bank the time, and use it for vacation or sick leave as needed.  That is, until the State audited his workplace and came down on them, at which point they blamed HIM, and claimed they never gave any such permission, trying to imply he was defrauding the State...

Is her office short-staffed, where she's the only one ther during lunch?  Is there any other issue about her staying thru lunch off the clock, than she misses out on one hour's pay?  Does it affect you other than you think it's unfair?

If this is something that you can triage to be not such a big deal, good, drop it.  Let HER decide it's unfair.  Maybe once in a while ask her if she'd like to join you for lunch, or some friends, not too often, but enough where she realizes eating at your desk sucks.  Or, be less available - hard to impress the boss if you're stopping by to bring her lunch, etc.  That may look unprofessional, having too many visitors too often.  Guess she can pack it if she insists on staying thru, or see what delivery is nearby, you'd hate to ruin her chance to impress the boss. (do NOT say all of this, especially not blatantly.)

essentially - don't TELL her it sucks.  Show her.  Gently, not heavy-handed.  Showing goes a lot farther with BPD than telling ever can. 

Save the validation and possible tough conversations for the subjects where her not following through or  being balky hurts you both.  Like if she's late paying bills, things like that.