BPDFamily.com

Things have continued to go fairly well with me and BPDh. The large family visit is almost over. There were no huge blow-ups...things have been very busy around here but managable. Some stumbling blocks:

1. As we start to look for apartments together, I've had to look more specifically at his income, and found that he is making about 1/5th of what I make. This isn't too surprising, since I had advanced degrees and work in a professional field. He just has a high school education, despite all the years he spent in college. He has goal to earn more money, but is struggling with completing assignments for his one online community college class right now. Its a bit of an eye opener for me. Academically, professionally, income-wise, we're in totally different places. I realize I need to be able to accept this for what it is and him for where he is at for our relationship to work. Its just very disappointing for me. He was with me all through graduate school and I thought we were working toward the same future. The emotional side of the disappointment is one thing I'm going to need to find a way to cope with. On the other side is the practicalities of our finances. Would it be fair to ask him to only pay for 1/5th of everything, to make this proportionate? I should I be asking for more so that we are on more equal footing in terms of what we are contributing to the household?

2. I find I've been struggling with getting my needs met. I've been sick several times lately and I have a strong desire to have him take care of me during these times. But it never really works out the way I want. Maybe part of it is that I want him to read my mind or be fully available in the moment--which are not really reasonable expectations for any relationship. For most of the past year, I have not relied on him at all, but as we move back together I find himself falling into those old patterns of thinking. I want to be cared for and nurtured. Sometimes he's able to meet that need, but its never fully enough or quite what I want. Any suggestions, other than just continuing to focus back on learning to take care of myself?

some men are better at reading this sort of thing, some are worse.

i know that it can feel good when your partner intuitively understands your needs. communication is really the bedrock of a healthy relationship, and fulfilling our needs.

why not communicate it? and if you were to, what might you say?

Those are very good questions. I think it must be part of my codependency that I have difficulty asking for specific things. I've noticed a lot with my last family visit that when I make specific requests my family totally ignores it, but then expects me to be extremely grateful for things I haven't asked for.

I've tried to ask my husband for several things in the past week--mainly more down town for me and more help with house/apartment hunting. He's been fairly responsive and has countered with asking that I give him time to do these things (reasonable). I really wanted to go to a 12-step group tonight, but it did not work out. Maybe I can directly and specifically ask that he set up childcare for tomorrow evening.